"Selling" Jesus

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Lately, the topic of "selling" Jesus has come up a lot.

I was helping with a youth retreat a few weeks back, and they had us ask the kids why someone should become a Christian. Instantly they listed of things like happiness and that it makes things easier. Now don't get me wrong, these things can be true. But I couldn't help but think about all the people in my life that had been "sold" on the idea of happiness and then their faith was completely shaken when things didn't go well. One teenager in my group had just experienced the death of her best friend. Was she happy? I asked her if being a Christian meant she was happy in the midst of this. Instantly she shook her head. So does this mean she is not a Christian? I challenged the rest of the group. Of course it didn't mean that. She is struggling so much, but she has a peace that God is in control and is still trusting Him, even on the difficult days.

So why do we try to "sell" Jesus as a great way for fire insurance, blessings and happiness.  There are tons of places in the New Testament where it says trials and tribulation WILL come in our lives. Yes, scripture has mentions of blessing and happiness for the Christian, but it never promises these things on this side of heaven.

As a young child, I was "sold" on the idea of Jesus. I didn't want to burn in hell (who does?) and I wanted  all the "good stuff" people told me about, so I prayed a prayer. I may have even walked an aisle. I honestly don't even remember the details, I was too young. When I became a teenager, I was surrounded with trials and felt hopeless many times. I realized that I had not made Christ Lord of my life, I just "bought into" the idea of Jesus. In my eyes, I was "saved" but had none of the peace that came with knowing Christ. And even worse, I didn't have the happiness and great blessings people wrongly promised came with being a Christian. It wasn't until I decided to begin a relationship with Christ that I really began to understand (as in start seeking Him for all my choices/attitude/actions instead of myself).

I've been growing in my relationship with God ever since, but I've noticed in my own sharing of my faith and in so many others we often try to "sell" Jesus as things we think people want. I shared with people who believed in Heaven and wanted to go. I told them how great my life has been since becoming a Christian (which is true, but I often left out the trials and struggles with sin) They wanted things to go well for them, so they make a choice to be "saved". Some of them to this day call themselves Christians but think nothing of their faith (after all, they are "saved") unless something bad happens. What would happen instead of approaching people with "be like me because you can have (fill in blanks)" we really explained our emptiness and selfishness without Christ. Being "saved" wasn't about my prayer I prayed, it was about realizing that I cannot and should not try to live my life for myself. I fail on my own and I need Him as my Savior AND my Lord (as in DAILY, not just at the pearly gates).

It's humility and repentance that brings us into a relationship with Christ. That is the entire reason for the cross to begin with. Jesus didn't die on the the cross just because He wanted us to feel comfortable in eternity. (Essentially, that is an effect, but not the real reason). He sacrificed Himself because we are sinners and had no way of making things right on our own. We were separated from God and He made a way. His death and resurrection is so much greater than "fire insurance" or blessings that may or may not come. He didn't want to sell "insurance"packages for a bargain of praying a prayer and walking an aisle - He wanted us to turn from our sin and seek Him daily. "Selling" people the message that they are sinners and fail on their own doesn't sound as good as "selling" Heaven. But it's the Truth. Praise God that we aren't the ones who are responsible for their belief. It is the Spirit that convicts, not us. And amazingly, the Gospel "sells" itself to those who He has convicted and called because bottom line is that it's the only Truth and the only way. We don't have to be the "salesman". We are just the mouthpieces.

What an incredible disservice we do the Gospel by leaving out the hard parts and/or trying to add our own sales pitch "act now and get this and this" type approach. Yes, a believer will be blessed, but we can't even pretend to know the ways God may work in their lives, be it trials or blessings galore. The blessings may not ever be seen on this side of Heaven.


One of my favorite songs for over a year now is Jimmy Needham's "Part the Clouds".  Needham says it much more poetic than I ever could. It's time for me to stop "dressing up" the Gospel and start sharing the Truth.

Part the Clouds Lyrics: I like, like to be liked And no one likes to hear the truth And I've seen what the truth can do So I tried, tried to downsize The part of you that's hard to tell But the layoff didn't go so well I beat around the burning bush 'Til that fire went away God was once so palpable Before the shades of grey We might as well just fold our hands If we can't call a spade a spade 'Cause we will miss the heart each time If we won't ever shoot them straight These pleasantries have shaded me And you too long Let's part the clouds and show the world the Son We think, think we're helping By giving you a little flare But it doesn't matter what you wear  'Cause runways aren't your forte You prefer the narrow road Even though it's not en vogue The Gospel looked so very cold one night as I passed by So I gave it my best sugar coat and dressed it in a lie  This living water will not quench us if it's watered down It's not our place to hide again this treasure that we've found

Our "God-given" rights***

***First off, let me tell you what this post is NOT. This is not an attack on birth control or fertilization techniques nor is it an attempt to convince people to be against abortion. I am merely using this as an example of how easy it is to claim the believe something until the issue really hits home. So even if your personal views differ, read on and hear me out. My point is that I don't know everything about these things and naively just assume they are part of my rights as an American woman. If I'm missing some info and/or wrong on my information, feel free to politely comment ***

My husband and I were talking about Christians in America and how we cling so strongly to our American rights. We desire to be conformed to the image of Christ, but we are Americans and we have certain "God-given" rights that we don't want to give up. Neither of us could find a place in scripture that promises us our rights. We discussed numerous examples, but the one that came to my mind as a female was the ballot issue in early November for an anti-abortion amendment in Mississippi that failed to pass, the personhood amendment.

A quote from a Washington Post article explained, "Mississippi would have become the first state to define a fertilized egg as a person, a measure which was aimed at outlawing abortion in the state but, opponents contended, would have led to all kinds of unintended consequences."

These consequences? A FEAR that it might criminalize birth control and some fertilization practices. Here is what bothered me. Many people who claimed to be anti-abortion did not vote in favor of the amendment because of these fears. Why?

So many Christians I know (male and female), said they were against abortion. They know what scripture says. (Not to mention, they personally would never consider abortion). But here is what happened with that issue. They may never consider abortion personally, but they will use birth control and might need fertilization techniques now or in the future. I'm not saying either of these are wrong...don't read that into my words. In fast, I haven't found conclusive info on either of those two result in harming and/or ending the life of a newborn. (I know some fertilization practices eliminate fertilized eggs, but that option is not required).

Voters against abortion (and those debating the issue in other states) did not want to possibly give up the right to birth control or fertilization techniques, even if it meant the legality of abortion would be re-examined. People who really wanted to see Roe vs. Wade overturned and abortion ended hesitated to vote for this extremely conservative view of "personhood"

In truth, the amendment would not be able to take away that right without some serious intervention from the supreme court and some scientific evidence proving that birth control ends the life of a fertilized egg. Maybe they could prove that? Maybe not...but as Christians how on earth can we claim to be against one thing (abortion) but then fear our birth control might be taken away. If by the legal battle, it is proven that birth control is indeed ending a life, would I use it? If so, why? Because it's my right as a woman? If science clearly showed that fertilized eggs were lost (aborted) from the body, then I'd have no way to take that form of birth control and yet condemn abortion.

To me, those debating the issue who were torn between ending abortion and yet feared losing the ability to family plan as desired. They desired to stand up against aborting an unborn child only in as much as it didn't affect their lives. The worst part it, it wasn't even certain it would effect birth control or fertilization - it was just a possibility. And it was only possible for a few forms of birth control and fertilization, not all forms!

As I said, abortion is not really the issue that bugged me here. The laws passed by our government will not always agree with God's word. Legal or not, it shouldn't effect my views or actions. The real issue is the reality that even I struggled with the idea of giving up rights to birth control options or fertilization techniques if needed. It is so easy to believe and seek God in one thing, but to fear to even learn the truth in another issue because I don't want to give up an option for something I might need or enjoy.

As a Christian, do I have rights? As an American, I do, but my citizenship is in Heaven. As I pursue the things I feel our my rights, I need to first seek God. It's very American to have the right to free speech, but how often does God desire I tame my tongue? It's very American to have the right to own property, but am I willing to give up that right if God calls me to? There are so many more "rights" and things I tend to think I'm "owed" as an American. Legal or not, I need to learn about what His word says about things. I need to learn a lot more about the character traits of a heavenly citizen and a lot less about what I feel entitled to here on earth!

The Green Pen Self

I haven't blogged in forever. So long, in fact, that my own blog is not even bookmarked on my browser. There are multiple reasons for why, one reason that I have realized the past months how many people from different areas of my life have access to my blog. I never blog about things I'm ashamed about, but for some reason the reality of it gave me writers block. The second being that I am "working" on a big blog. I have been "working" on it for a year now. Or shall I say God has been working on it. I'm waiting for the end of the story and it will hopefully arrive soon. Patience is difficult.

Since I'd rather not just blog about my not blogging (boring), I finally decided on a topic to blog on...The Green Pen Self...

The past years (post-college) have stretched my faith like no other. I journal every night and occasionally go back and read past entries. Sometimes it even amazes me how little has changed over the years. But the past few weeks I have had a slightly different experience.

For the new year, I decided to go back and finish a Beth Moore study on David that I never completed. I knew it was from years ago, but it wasn't until a couple lessons in that I figured out when. As I do the study each day, I use a notecard to cover up the green pen answers scribbled years ago and write in my new answers neatly in black. Then I compare.

The factual questions still produce the same answers, of course. But the questions about struggles-not so much. I am learning more from past answers than current. The study is from my very first year out of college- that first year in seminary. Each green answer is a perfect Sunday school answer. As the study examines Saul's jealousy and pride, it asks questions about my own. The "green" self says she doesn't really struggle with pride and is rarely jealous. The "green " self didn't even bother to finish the book that year because quiet times became non-existant in the seminary world. The "green" self became so jealous of friends moving on with life while she was still in school that she almost lost all friendships. The "green" self ignored all the probing questions about pride and jealousy...too prideful to even notice. And pride comes before the fall- the book remained incomplete as well as almost every other attempted quiet time material for a few years after that.

If only I could have seen that what so clearly leads up to the years of struggle I allowed myself to have. Those who know me well or knew me then no the huge trials through seminary and trying to figure out my call to teach and work with youth. God had to use such extremes to humble me- things that to this day people cannot ever believe happened. Every night as I "redo'" my study, I think back- how I wish the "black pen" self could have been there to tell the "green" pen self a thing or to.

This may not mean much nor make sense to those who have met me after this time period. But for those who knew me in the "green" years, I could not be more sorry for the way I treated others...so many great friendships were lost at my own pride . And for those who still are there, I am amazed and thankful that somehow our friendship survived...obviously through God's power and not my own attempts at friendship. More than anything, I am thankful for God's grace as He constantly draws me back to Him. I can't wait to see what else He has to teach me through my "green" self.

Spiritual Highs/Lows

Today was a really great day for just talking to students. Every Friday we do highs/lows (good part of the week, not so good part). Usually before Spring Break kids talk about partying. Somehow in the PM session, God just lead the time.
In the course of 3 hours, I had conversations 5 different students about the following.
1. Youth retreat for the weekend - one of the girls was really excited about her church retreat, mostly because of the fellowship...a nice surprise to learn she is involved in church
2. Youth groups in churches- One of my guys says he is going back to church after a run in with the police last night. Then we (him, another girl and I) discussed youth groups...the students feel youth groups for their population (at-risk areas) don't care about the youth, just babysit them. They like what they called "white" churches because the youth workers care about the youth. But they hate visiting because they are so cliquey
3.Diversity in worship - That lead to a conversation about worshiping in churches with all races and how much more amazing that would be...and that its the way God intended it to be.
4. Abortion and Emotional and Spiritual Ramifications - One student was asked to take his
girlfriend to get an abortion and is afraid to share his views with her. We talked about abortion and the emotional struggles post-abortion...very hard conversation because he is convinced she won't change her mind so he just needs to know how to support her
5. Healing and living your faith - One student acts out in school because of past struggles. He is a Christian and we talked about letting people see that in him...he asked for prayer
6. Promise rings vs. True Love Waits Rings - same guys girlfriend wants a promise ring. He didn't know what that was. We talked about purity and "why wait"
7. Waiting until marriage before living together and working at marriage instead of divorce - different group, similar topic. We were talking about my being single at my age...and somehow they were sharing how they don't think couples should live together. We talked about stats of divorce for those who live together and then how marriage should be worked on...even if hard times come - even cheating...forgiveness is important.

It was such a blessing to have these open doors and conversations, especially after a really long two weeks of really difficult students. But it was also hard to hear that the students are longing for ministry to them - for discipleship, for a prayer, and for fellowship. The need is there...I'm excited to see how God will provide...and willing to be a part of it in any way He allows.

The World is Your Stage...and Facebook is the ticket vendor

I work with teenagers. Whether in school or church settings, they have all become completely obsessed with online profiles. The church ones flock to Facebook, my school ones to MySpace. And all this leads to problems. High school drama takes a new extreme. And worst of all, the world revolves around you and your profile. I've had small chats with many teenagers and peers who struggle with this, but a recent article said it well. The educator, sociologist, and theologian in me were all intrigued.
Relevant Magazine published an article called "The Problem of Pride in the Age of Twitter" by Brett McCracken. Part of me wishes I had written this article first! But he did a better job than I could have. Mine would have been more "sociological".
McCracken focused on the idea that we are obsessed with defining ourselves via play-by-play status updates and "....communication is no longer about learning things from people or sharing experiences; it's about knowing what they're doing and how they're feeling, or at least how they want the world to perceive them as such" Enter the drama.
It reminds me of the sociological concept of the looking-glass self. It was a term coined by Charles Cooley in 1902...that's over a hundred years ago. Apparently the problem is not new. Encyclopedia.com explains, "an individual's sense of self is derived from the perceptions of others. Just like the reflections in a mirror, the self depends on the perceived responses of others; or, as he himself puts it, ‘each to each a looking glass reflects the other that doth pass.'" It continues to explain,"The looking-glass self has three components: the imagination of our appearance to the other person; the imagination of their judgement of that appearance; and self feelings, such as pride."
If these explanations don't make sense, google the term. There are TONS of web pages dedicated to explaining it. Basically, the idea is that we think the whole world is watching us. The idea is that I am an actor on a stage, and everyone is watching my life. The way the "audience" perceives me defines who I am. So I strive to present myself the way I want the audience to see me. Of course, the audience is fictional. Or is it?
In Cooley's day, the audience was almost completely in one's mind. I remember walking through high school with a bad haircut thinking EVERYONE was watching, judging. They weren't. The Internet - Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, and Blogs have finally given the self-conscious teenager (as well as everyone else) an audience. Ever freak out because a "bad" picture of you was tagged? Or spend hours posing for a cute profile pic? Written a blog or status update just to get empathy? Created a YouTube video to show off? Why? Because you want people to think of you as attractive. You want people to understand where you are coming from. You want people to see you shine.
When it all comes down to it, things haven't changed much since Cooley created the theory in 1902. Thanks to the Internet, everyone is welcome to be part of the audience. But I think most the audience still only consists of a select few. I have over 400 friends on facebook. I sometimes read updates on my newsfeed, but don't really care about most of those. The problem is that we THINK everyone cares. We insist people comment on our walls, blogs, status updates, videos, etc because we really want to know how people perceive us and that people care.
This blog will be "readable" by over 400 facebook friends and anyone who finds it via google. My pride could tell myself "All these people will be transformed by my amazing words". Reality is that only a few will read, and even fewer comment. And that's ok.
McCracken's article concluded that the problem of pride is not new to the church but "Technology has only exacerbated it. In times like these-when it's easier and more alluring than ever to be or feel important-Christians must remember that we're not called to be viral superstars. We're called to be living sacrifices. We're not instructed to make ourselves look as good as possible in front of the largest audience we can; no, we are instructed to deny ourselves and humbly follow Christ." What do you think?

Do or do not, there is no try

What horrible advice! I don't consider myself a student of Master Yoda. Although I think he's kind of cute, his "wisdom" isn't always wise. For some reason, I seem to follow his words.
Sometimes its easier to "do not" than to try and fail. I find that I will avoid trying new things. I would rather have the hope of success and enjoyment later than the failure now. If I don't try, it might still work someday when I do.
A silly example...every now and then they come up with new "low protein" food choices. (If you don't know, I have a special diet I need to follow). I will order the new product and when it arrives, admire it from a distance. Occasionally, I will examine the packaging. It takes weeks to build up the courage to have a taste.
The most recent was "low pro" hot dogs. I love hot dogs, but I am not really supposed to eat them. The "low pro" ones looked great and I was excited to try them. As soon as they arrived, I packed them away. They spent a month in the freezer. I would see them and have hope that perhaps I had found an alternative to hot dogs - that I could bring them to summer BBQs and maybe everywhere else I go. Finally, one day I had nothing to eat in my cabinets, so I gave in and tried one. It was probably one of the most disgusting things I have ever tasted! I once again had no hope of a "low pro" hot dog. So was it better to live with "hope" in suspense? Or to know the truth (that they were indeed DISGUSTING!)?
January of this year, I heard of a medicine that could change my life. I quickly signed up for the program. I was told I would try it right away. After months of insurance problems, phone tag, and misunderstandings, its now December. I might finally get to try it. And it scares me. For a year, I have had hope that it will work. I am so excited about what life could be...so much less guilt at meal time and so much more ejnoyment. In just a few weeks, I will either have a different lifestyle OR go back to my hopeless hot-dog-free diet. Somehow, the unknown seems more comforting than the truth. But I know that if I don't try, I will NEVER be able to enjoy hot dogs, pepperoni, and cheese guilt free. Do or do not, there is no try? I think not. I am ready to know the truth!

Peace

I've never wrote a blog without first knowing where I am going with my thoughts...but here goes...
Romania was a big wake up call for me. Being away from my "reality" for two months taught me a lot, but perhaps the biggest thing was how much my character had truly changed in the years after college leading up to the trip. And not changed in the good way. Changed in the snobby "I belong in the movie Mean Girls" way. Post college bitterness turned into "I deserve better". Add some people in my life who felt the same, and I had my own group to call or text me whenever I want to tell me anything I wanted to hear. I seemed to always be disappointed and worried about the future. I decided in Jan I needed to "fix" things. Over the last year, I have withdrawn from many people in my life (some good influences, some not so good). Before this summer, I found myself struggling with how I could ever stay in Texas and actually be used by Him with the mess I had here.
Then came Romania. I went from nights alone just me and God to living in a house constantly surrounded by people. I'd like to say the biggest thing I learned in Romania was something sweet about the orphans. They were amazing. But the thing I learned best was that I truly had a long way to go to get back to a character reflecting Christ. It's amazing how sharing close quarters with others allows your true character to spill out. I'm not proud of how shallow some relationships were. I am not proud of how little I did to encourage others. But I know God used it to remind me of who I was in Him in college and to teach me how to ignite that desire again.
Since I've been back, I haven't followed a different "formula" or "plan". Quiet times are about the same. My job is still demanding and really difficult. But somehow, now I have peace. The past few days, I was sick and had trouble sleeping. I began to feel a little stress. I realized that it was the first time I felt stress since before Romania. Instead of freaking out about the stress, I began to wonder, "Why no stress until now? " A lot has been going "wrong" by any one's measure. Although circumstances have not changed since this summer, my character and perspective have been transformed. I realized I am not feeling stress because I am finally learning to truly turn things over to God. In Romania,I lived without a phone and TV for two months. And when I came back from Romania, I had no computer for a month! It became normal. Now when problems arise, I don't call a friend; I pray first. The best part is that without distractions, I am able to hear God's voice again...
Work seems routine and hard. I pray. God says start a yearbook. Suddenly, I have something to love about work.
Youth stuff is confusing because I have no actual role in the youth group. I pray. Pour more into discipleship and spend time praying for students. Discipleship is going great and my students now talk to me about God in the middle of classes.
Relationships seem confusing. I pray. Friends and family bring up any topic I struggled with, within a day of praying.
My friend reminded me of some lyrics the other day..."Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer". I prayed before Romania, but not like this. I prayed in Romania and found guidance about "camp" stuff. But now I'm back in my "reality". Its amazing how prayer without TV, cell phones, or even others to distract has truly changed my character as only God can. If only I could get back those years of needless worry and pain! Obviously that's not an option, but its amazing how God is fixing my past "messes" as I take the present trials to Him in prayer.

REGRET IT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

Every time I drive up or down I-35 across the Kansas turnpike near Emporia, my eyes are drawn to an old billboard with a simple message..."Accept Jesus Christ and be saved or REGRET IT FOREVER." Most people probably think its annoying, insulting, or maybe some think its wonderful. Each time I see the billboard the same thought enters my mind (which is often because the board is on BOTH sides of the road, how thoughtful of them). Perhaps its the sociologist in me, but I always wonder how many people have truly been "saved" through a billboard like this. Does God use it to convict people? Does it cause them to examine their lives? I am not one to judge, I have no idea what God might be doing through it, but it saddens me how the message if watered down.
As Christians, we try to remind people that they don't want to go to hell. Heaven sounds so much better. Who wouldn't want to be saved from burning in hell? But what is heaven? If heaven is eternity with God, and someone hasn't ever experienced God's presence on earth, why would that be appealing? We are asking them to trade in a lifestyle that seems fun to them for an investment that to them only pays in the end. And in their eyes, the pay isn't all that great.
Since when is the gospel only about joy in eternity? What happened to the joy that comes in Christ NOW, on this side of heaven. Scripture is filled with references to the kingdom of heaven being NOW on earth and in heaven. So many passages deal with how Christ transforms our life today, not by laws and morals, but through peace, joy, and purpose. Why are we trying trying to reach a instant-gratification generation with an attempt to "sell" a better afterlife when clearly Christ offers so much more.
The problem is most of us live with the Heaven part in mind, and let the every day reflect our human nature. I can tell everyone they can have joy in Christ now and for eternity, but as I grumble about my job, finances, social situations, love life, etc...why would they ever believe me? If I am not living like my life is transformed now, then the world sees my faith as nothing but "fire insurance".
Recently, I listened to a sermon about Matthew 13, the parable of the Sower. As the pastor elaborated on the different types of seeds he explained that the seed that fell among thorns started to grow, but was choked by the thorns, by the trials in the world. I began to wonder if that is what I look like to the world. As trials and just everyday life happen, do I let my faith be choked? Is my faith still evident? I know my relationship with Christ is genuine, but is it reflected to others? I have never bought into the "fire insurance" style of evangelism and never will. I don't need to be perfect, that's not possible this side of heaven. But if I am going to be so bold as to evangelize a faith that transforms lives here and now on earth, I want to be sure that is what my life is a testimony for.

From the pages of my journal...

Tonight I spent an evening in, to work on some cleaning and organize some stuff for Romania. In my search for my power adapter, I came across my journals, my 16 journals, a record of my life from 2000 until now. Curiosity drew me in and I began to flip through the pages of each one.
I remember many times in my life where I felt like I hit rock bottom and wondered how I ever got to that point. I came across a few of those entries which were interesting, however I found that if flipped back a few months, there was the answer. I always knew I was headed the wrong direction.
My most recent struggle seemed to come out of nowhere. I flipped back to a journal from years ago, the month that I began this situation that I currently struggle with. These are real words day by day for about a month and half when my problems started. It keeps going for a year of journaling. I am amazed at my lack of wisdom and how I let myself just walk into a problem. I realized tonight that I should probably pay attention to what I have been journaling... These are my words from the beginning of a serious time of spiritual struggle:
"What fun tonight. But what danger...."
"I am making poor social decisions..."
"This needs to end. 5 nights of no journaling..."
"This lifestyle is pointless...I am in no way growing spiritually..."
"My quiet times are slowly disappearing..."
"Friendship should be so much deeper than socializing..."
"What is the point of all this? None of this will last..."
"Responsible decision making would be nice, but..."
"My mind knows nothing about what it wants..."
"This isn't working. What is the point...this is NOT drawing me closer to You..."
"I scarcely remember who I was..."
"I am scared about who I am capable of becoming..."
"This confuses me...I feel like I am becoming someone I'm not..."
"I am setting myself up for extreme disappointment..."
"What am I becoming?..."
"Who am I and what am I doing?...."
"What is this drama?..."
"Obviously, I am straying from You, but..."
"Fix me...I don't know what I think of feel anymore..."
"I don't want this life..."
"I need to be changed..."
"More church. No growth. An endless pattern..."
"I don't want to be a part of this..."
"A wasted day..."
"I left. I don't want to go back...only back to You..."
"I barely remember who I was..."
"I cannot do this anymore..."
As I began to struggle, and the same struggle filled my journal for over a year. My first reaction seeing this was that I am an idiot. How sad that I clearly knew God's direction but followed after my own desires? I know I did not guard my heart from these problems. I know I made selfish decisions that obviously affected my journaling and relationship with God. I am back on track now, still needing to grow and heal, but hopefully I will not allow myself to be so blinded again.

The second time around...

Today grades were due. I love my job most days, but this was not one of those days. My students make some really poor decisions sometimes. It is amazing how they are unable to see the longterm effects of things. Each term, students are allowed 3 absences. If they miss more than 3 days, they may come to the opposite school session ANY day (AM students can come PM, PM to an AM) or they can make up classes after school, and the last few weeks they can even make up days on a Saturday. It takes 2 hours to make up a 4 hour absence. It is really not that hard to do. Twenty four of my students FAILED because they did not make up the days. Twenty four students will lose credit this term and need to repeat ALL 4 classes. Almost all of these students would have passed otherwise.
Seventeen students failed my class this term because they did not turn in the pages that they ALREADY FINISHED coloring all term long. They needed to glue the pages to a sheet of paper and turn it in to me by Friday. They had TWO days to GLUE! They will be repeating the entire term because they had a borderline low grade and didn't turn in their coloring. How sad!
Today, as we started term 4 classes, I was confronted by at least 5 students who were confused about their schedules. They were sure they had already studied Romeo and Juliet. Why yes, they did. And yes, they did understand it and do almost all the work. However, because poor attendance choices or one major assignment not turned in, they now need to do it ALL again. They are completely crushed, but they knew this back in Term 2 when they made the choice. It is amazing how the consequences suddenly set in. They felt no disappointment when they saw the failing grade on their Term 2 report card, but suddenly they realize what it means. For those students, today is the first of many boring days sitting in the same 4 classes for the second time around. And for some discouraged souls, its the fourth and fifth time around. I like Romeo and Juliet as much as the next person, but can you imagine learning it four times or more?
Each time this happens, I am not sure how to feel. Part of me has pity and wants to bump them up to passing this time around. I want them to have at least the hope of passing. But part of me knows that they need to learn to make good choices. I really don't have any deep spiritual thoughts when it comes to my students. I struggle between being the compassionate teacher giving hope or the disciplined educator producing students who excel. No matter how I feel, all 8 of my current classes have at least one person in each for whom it is the second time around.

Perspective

It amazes me how different cultures and upbringings have completely different perspectives. Working with at-risk teenagers, I often here a lot of things that cause me to rethink my own views. I am made aware of how judgmental I can sometimes be. Today I heard a judgment from a student that I cannot get out of my mind.
Many of my students are young mothers. This student...lets call her Amanda... is a 16-year-old with a 3-month-old son. Her own mother just had Amanda and her sister taken away and put into foster care because the state deemed Amanda's mother unfit. Its easy to pass judgment on her situation, but since I know her well, I have managed not to.
Today we were talking about Romania and the girl I sponsor. Amanda said she often sees the commercials for sponsoring children in other countries and is annoyed. She said, "I don't understand why we can't send them birth control instead...they obviously can't provide for their kids". She said the "problem" will not end unless they stop having babies. Until then, media will always have to beg people to send money overseas. She was sick of it all.
I could not believe it! I can't tell you how many people in my life have said the VERY SAME thing about Amanda and her family's situation, yet she had no clue. I had no idea how to respond. I decided to tell her a bit about perspective, and as nicely as possible explain that some people feel the same way about girls at our school...that they should be forced on birth control because they don't raise kids well. She listened, and knew that this was just information, not my opinion of her at all. I'm not sure she learned anything, but I sure was shocked at her attitude and am still sorting out my thoughts. Feel free to share any of yours...

Three right turns boarding don't make a left...they make you fall :)

I just returned from 3 days of snowboarding and I am very sore...to say the least. The last time I snowboarded, I was 18. I had my own board, matching "outfit" and the whole deal. That was 9 years ago. A lot has happened in 9 years, and luckily I am not the same person I was at 18. I like to see myself as more mature and wise. However I also learned that with that can come some negative.
On my first run, I was really nervous. I was not even sure I remembered how to get off the lift without falling. That would be an embarrassing way to start the day. Everyone saw that I had all the right stuff to be an expert snowboarder and I knew I would not measure up.
I somehow managed not to fall on my face, but when I strapped my board on at the top of the hill and headed down memories came back. I picked up speed and made a sharp turn to the right - flawlessly. I began to go straight and pick up speed again, but as I leaned left I suddenly hesitated and made another right turn. I was starting to go from fast to dangerously-close-to-a-wipe-out fast, so to slow down I turned right again. At this point I was almost in the trees on the right side of the mountain. I needed to head left. So I did what any snowboarder pretending to be an expert would do - I sat down on my butt and flipped my board over so that I was headed left. I went as far left as possible until it was time for my flawless right turn. I was headed for the trees on the right again and it was time to turn left or sit down on the mountain yet again. I sat down.
Somehow the memory of the pain after my very first snowboarding lesson came back. I knew if I turned left and fell, I would fall on my knees. The pain of sliding down an ice patch on my knees had me too scared to even try. The wisdom that had come with 9 years of aging told me to do whatever possible to avoid that pain. I ended up going down the mountain backward (left foot first instead of right). I made it down with minimal falling, but cheated the entire way down.
The next day I woke up determined to turn properly. I was in so much pain from taking the easy way out - I rode my back edge the entire day and my legs were sore. I went to the easiest slope I could find and practiced my turns. I realized that I did remember how to turn left, and every time I tried, I succeeded. The entire 3 days, I only fell once making a left turn. I fell more often when I was trying to "cheat" and avoid the turns. I wanted to write off my lack of ability to wisdom, old age, or pain but I knew the real problem was fear. At 18, I was not afraid of the pain. Somehow between 18 and 27, I learned to avoid anything that might hurt.
Sadly, life on this side of 18 looks a lot like that. I tend to avoid anything risky. It’s easy to mistake caution with fear. I think I am being wise, but really I am afraid. I moved to Fort Worth not knowing a soul, and loved it. Now I am still here and the idea of starting over somewhere else is so scary. The idea of a new job is 'unwise' because I have great benefits and coworkers (so I tell myself). But what if that's what God is wanting for me? Is my fear that I like to call "wisdom" causing me to disobey?
The Bible is filled with people being called to do scary and unwise things (unwise by our world's standards). I may like to say I am wise, but the real problem is a lack of faith. I feared turning left because I had no faith that I could succeed. Though I had fallen on my face a few times in my snowboarding life, I had no reason to believe that I would be permanently damaged by a few left turns. I might have fallen a few times, but overall my ability was reliable, I just needed faith. How much more true is that with God? My boarding ability is by no means flawless, so my faith in my boarding skills may disappoint. But God is perfect; when I take the risk and obey, He is faithful. He may allow some bruises along the way, but He will never let me down.

O Holy Night

Driving home this Christmas season, I could not stop listening to the song "O Holy Night". The music is beautiful, but what really touches me is the lyrics. No Christmas songs brings me to a point of true worship like this song. The lyrics are amazing. The words are so perfect, not just speaking to the hope of Christmas, but of salvation. I wanted to dig deeper and find the origins of the song and share a little about what it means to me.


"Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn;"
Each time I hear these lines, I think of life before Christ. Not before the first Christmas; obviously I don't have any concept of the BC era. I think of the time in my life before Christ. I was pining for all the wrong things, stuck in my own sin, with no desire or hope for anything else in the world. I remember countless nights lying awake wondering and longing for a purpose. I felt life was pointless. Then Christ - suddenly He transformed my heart and my soul felt its worth. I had hope. I truly can’t help to fall on my knees and worship.

Now in the midst of walking the Christian life, I cling to these lyrics in the song -
"He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!"
How true! I so easily forget Christmas is about our Lord becoming human, (yet still fully God)
"For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because He himself suffered when he was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." (Heb. 2:17-18). He knows our weaknesses and trials, so easily I forget that He can help me through each struggle.

"Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease."
The last part meant little to me until I saw the film "Amazing Grace". If you haven't seen it, know that it is a must-see. It is the story of William Wilberforce and the end of the British slave trade. Even with what little I know about the battle to end the slave trade, I know that these lyrics were powerful and controversial for their time. Placide Cappeau, the writer of the poetic lyrics, was known for his extreme views against slavery. The song was often attacked not because of the lyrics, but because of his politics. Although I have no idea the specifics of his politics, I know that in 1847 claiming "Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother" would have caused many to be uneasy. How bold to include this truth in the midst of a worshipful Christmas song! I wonder how people reacted as they heard this third verse?

I learned that "O Holy Night" was the first song ever broadcast on the radio, on Christmas Eve 1906. Over 100 years later, we still hear it on the radio. It is such a nice break from the songs about Santa, presents and romance. I hope the song continues to remain a popular classic so that each Christmas I will be reminded of who Christ really is.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM)

Satire is one of my favorite forms of writing. The sarcastic side of me enjoys the careful art of exaggeration and extremely ridiculousness that is involved. However, I don't think I ever read a satire I did not at least partly agree with...until a few days ago.

I was first introduced to the concept of intelligent design at a D-Now I led a year ago. I must admit, I have not researched the details of it, but I know that it has caused controversy in my home state of Kansas; not surprising considering it mixes faith with science. I was amused and appalled all at once to learn of a satirical character known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

If you don't know the details, I encourage you to research more, but basically someone wrote a letter claiming that he believed intelligent design was not by the God of Christianity or any other major religion, but instead by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The letter mocks the idea of the universe being created by an unseen God. (see link in title)

"Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. ...He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is...what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease."

1 Corinthians 1:17-25 quickly came to mind. The Cross (and really all God's Word) is foolishness to those who are perishing. It is only through the Holy Spirit that I am able to begin to fathom God's Word and the great mysteries it entails. As annoyed as I was with the idea of the FSM, it so clearly illustrates Paul's point. How foolish we must look to others! Do I care that others see us, see me, as foolish? Honestly, sometimes I do.

God really used this FSM idea to remind me of how His wisdom and ways are truly higher than my ways, than earthly understanding (Isaiah 55:9). How easily I can forget that. I let my life reflect the values of the world so that things make sense logically. I do not worship any pasta deities, but I often do fall short in my faith as I trade God’s plan for my life for a more conventional story. I try to justify what I think fits the world AND my faith. However, God has not asked me to understand all those hard topics that seem contradictory by logic or science – creation, trinity, etc. I am humbled and reminded of Job’s confession. "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know." Job 42:3

The turning point

A few weeks ago, after hearing a motivational speech from Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz author), I had a brilliant blog in my head. However, after weeks of processing it has been slightly tweaked.
Miller spoke about life as a story, and the essential need for an exciting plot and conflict. Immediately the plot triangle ran through my head. Plot- Introduction, Rising Action, Climax/Turning Point, Falling Action, Conclusion.
That is one of the many Word Wall words I test my students on. I never suspected it would show up at a Christian conference. I taught plot all week and the last thing I needed on a Friday night was a repeat of my own lessons. I was not looking forward to his talk. However, he had some interesting points. He challenged the crowd to not settle for a mundane ordinary story, but seek out a story that would make a difference in the world. He explained how movies and stories we love are full of conflict, not ordinary.
All I could think about was how easily we, females especially, settle for a 1-star-movie storyline. Almost every girl longs for a chick-flick like romance story. But how many chick-flicks make millions at the box office? Titanic made millions, but the guy dies. Who wants that story? The ordinary happily-ever-after story is only mildly interesting. Somehow we have bought in to the lie that the best story to have is a romance. There is so much more.
The story that came to mind was The Hiding Place, the story of Corrie Ten Boom. The film version, made in 1975, is a little slow. However, it can hold the attention of my at-risk students just as much as any other big budget movie. Why? Because it is an amazing story about how someone made a difference. They don't understand much about the reasons Corrie does what she does, they just know there is something gripping about the story. Corrie never marries, but her story is so much better than a romance. God uses her in great ways. Would I be willing to trade in my mediocre dream plot for one more timeless and impactful?
As Miller challenged us to pray for a new mission, a powerful story, I thought about my story. I'm an English teacher named Erin working with at-risk high school students inspiring them with stories about life and the Holocaust. Sound familiar? I saw that movie last year. It's been done...Freedom Writers. Not only that, but in the movie, Erin looses McDreamy because she is so devoted to her students. That WILL NOT be my story. I left the conference convinced I needed a NEW story. I was ready to blog away all you have just read.
A few weeks later, God has taught me a lot. Work is crazy right now. Not crazy like I'm a teacher and I'm busy, crazy like the demands are so extreme that so many other teachers even tell me to leave. As my coworkers stressed, I managed to stay stress free but became really discouraged. All I could think about was a better story. Anyone could do my job. I would be much better off serving somewhere like Romania, New York City, or in some youth ministry. I wanted out of my current story.
The past few days at work haven't been any better or worse than any other. But I love my students. I enjoy teaching them so much. Perhaps I am not in need of a new story. Perhaps God is just teaching me through my current situation to prepare me for a turning point. My job will not be forever; I know that already. Who knows, maybe this is my last year? Or maybe there are a few more year in me? I think I'm ready for the turning point now, but honestly at this point I don't even know what the story is about. My story has just barely moved past the introduction and is now into the rising action. The turning point will come soon enough. I may not know what genre of story I am in, but I know that the stories God creates are never mediocre.

Off Limits

Adam and Eve. Every Sunday-school-raised child has heard the story many times and knows all the "church answers" to all the right questions. You can imagine my disappointment when I found that my Sunday school class had 4 lessons over Adam and Eve. How on earth does one drag out the story for 4 weeks? I'm pretty sure I shared my discouragement with all my fellow Sunday school teachers. I knew I would need to fill in the lessons with a little extra.
The Word of God is powerful and active, sharper than any double edge sword. It's amazing how easy it is to forget that the 'familiar' stories we read in children's Bibles are part of the powerful word of God. As I was reading over my lesson material, God really started to get a hold of my heart. As I looked at the lesson material about God's covenant with Adam, the typical questions were listed. What would you have liked most about living in the garden (most the kids said being naked to this one...haha) and other shallow questions of the sort. But then a deeper question stood out to me. The lesson started to focus on God's provision and Adam's call to obedience. The question asked, "Are there areas in your life that God has labeled "off limits" but that you continue to pursue?" Right away God convicted me. I could not get it out of my head.
Did Adam and Eve pursue the tree of knowledge of good and evil? Maybe. They were obviously near enough to the tree to be tempted into sin. They had no reason to doubt God's boundaries, and maybe they did not pursue it, but they did not resist the temptation either.
I can't even begin to list the countless things I have KNOWN God said no about and yet I sought after. The church answer didn't work with this question. Usually the kids list things like the Ten Commandments. "Thou shall not kill" is off limits to me (and all people), but I do not struggle here because I do not in any way struggle with the desire to kill...church answers don't fit what God was trying to tell me.
God has called me to avoid some very specific things that I cannot stop chasing after. The hardest part is that the specific things God says no to in my life are often good things, great things even, but not things He has for me. No one knows I am pursuing sin because no one else knows that God has set that particular thing as "off limits" for me. The details are not for important for blogging to the world, but I know I find myself struggling with the same sins over and over again as I pursue jobs, guys, and friendships that God has specifically closed doors to. (See my "Screaming and throwing pillows at the TV" entry) I fall in to temptation and find myself asking God why I am again in this situation. I know He has my best in mind; I know He has an amazing plan for me, but somehow the rebellious child in me can't resist. It's almost as if I think that maybe, just maybe this time I'm right and He's not.
Every time I read the story of Adam and Eve, I thought about how easily they seemed to sin. There were so many other trees to eat from. It was the only thing God said no to. As I put the story in to perspective of my own life, God has given me so much freedom in Him and said no to very few of my desires. How is it that I continue to pursue those very few things He says no to? I dance around with temptation and run to God acting shocked when I fall on my face and give in. The solution? There is no easy answer, but I find the more I pursue Him, the more I am able to trust that the boundaries He has for me will ultimately change my character to be more like His.

screaming and throwing pillows at the TV

Grey's Anatomy. I had never seen the show before Saturday. I just finished watching Disc One of Season TWO. I have a long way to go but I can already tell what the rest of the episodes will be like. As the season goes on, I will want to scream and throw my pillow.

Dramatic irony is my favorite "nerdy-English-teacher" element and the Grey's audience always knows what’s going on but the shows' characters know very little about the whole picture. Even when they do know the facts, I sometimes want to sit back and yell at them. How could they be so stupid? They go back and forth on decisions and seem to repeat mistakes. I'm not just talking about Grey's anymore. Most drama shows are like that. The more seasons the show runs, the more likely the character is to repeat the same mistakes from the pilot episode. It can be frustrating to watch.

This week in Houston, I learned a new song written by the worship leader, Will Taylor. The lyrics got to me. I could not get it out of my head and either could the others on the trip. The song starts out. "This is not about me, this is not about me, Jesus You are the King, Without You I am nothing". Honestly, at first I thought it was going to be a cheesy song. "Father forgive me, I am full of excuses. I want my walk to have consistency...I want my life with You to have integrity." When we started singing those lyrics, my heart started to really listen to the words I was saying. Then the part that got to me... "I am an adulterous, faithless bride, Yet you love me still...forgive me for saying I love You then running away; For singing and praying to You, then worshiping me"

The song touched me for a lot of reasons. I just finished reading Francine Rivers Redeeming Love, which is a retelling of Hosea. Until I sung those song lyrics, I was not really sure how Gomer's situation applied to me. I am like a character from the an over-dramatic TV show. If you were watching my life, you would be screaming and throwing your pillow at the TV. Really, the same sin again? Yes, really. I used to be that silly girl from the horror movies that walks right toward the killer because she is to naive to know danger is behind the door. At least I am not that girl anymore. Right? I am now the girl who knows my mistakes and repeats them, a little less extreme each time but same mistake and same sin. Maybe that girl deserves a few more pillows thrown then the horror-film girl?

The funny thing about real life is that there will always be "dramatic irony". Only God knows the entire picture. He sees things I don't. He also sees me making the same mistakes over and over again. He sees me opening up the door even though I know danger lurks behind and I should flee. He sees me chasing after things I know are wrong, but chasing anyway. He sees me relive pain over and over again because I didn't learn the first time. He doesn't yell or throw pillows. He loves me still. Why? How could Hosea love Gomer? How could God forgive again and again? Especially knowing that I will never get it perfectly. That is love. I have no idea what the big picture of my life looks like, but so far it would make one frustrating TV show! Just like the song lyrics, I am the girl who sings and prays to Him, but worships my way of doing things. I am so full of excuses. I don't want my life to be an ABC Family Seventh-Heaven spin-off, but it’s about time I listen to God's direction and learn from the past.

Trials or Consequences?

**warning...this is the longest blog every. sorry. i wrote this for me, not really anyone else. feel free to read it, but no hard feelings if you can't make it through all my thoughts**

Trials and tribulations. I love turning to the book of James during hard times. I cling to the hope that trials will grow my faith. What I am about to write is something that God has been teaching me and I have been sorting out in my head. Since this is a blog and the world can see, the details will be spared so as not to gossip, but here is what I am sorting out in my head. If I have points that don't fit scripture, please call me out on it. I am still learning so much about this.

A few years back, I went through some really hard times. I even decided to write a paper for class about sin and suffering because of it, partly because I wanted to see what God's word said on the topic and partly because I had never previously studied the book of Job. Every time I read the book, I find myself so annoyed by his friends. I am tempted to skip over those chapters and get to Chapter 38 where God starts to talk. I think what annoys me the most is that his friends say that his trials were because of sin. The book of Job opens with a rather unusual conversation between Satan and God. It is revealed that Job is in a trial. Job continued to praise God and even asks, "Have I sinned?"(Ch 7). I have no idea what his tone is like during all of this but scripture is clear that Job did not sin in this and is not suffering a consequence of his sin but a trial, which ultimately grows his faith. In a society where suffering was viewed as a direct result of sin, I could see why this would be a hard concept to grasp. (See John 9:2 for a direct example, though there are tons of others).

Our society (or maybe its just me) is the opposite. I don't usually have a problem thinking trials will grow my faith. I don't have friends telling me my trials are because of various sins. My friends are quick to quote James to me. I do the same for others. My problem is the opposite. I am quick to believe that every time things get hard God is testing me. I get on my knees and ask for a peace, patience and growth. I have gone through a few difficult times where no matter how much I prayed neither peace nor patience came. I grew further from the Lord in my trial. How? Lack of faith in His plan? Not really.

Here is my error. Not everything bad that happens is because God is 'testing us'. Yes, God can use suffering to grow us. Somewhere along the line I got the idea in my head that confession of sin meant freedom from consequences of that sin. I find no support for that in His word.

Here are a few examples. The least personal right now is only understandable if you know me well. Basically, because of health issues, if I eat too much protein I tend to get depressed. Right now, I am struggling with deep mood swings...severe depression. Why? Because I ate too much protein last week. Why? Because I was enjoying myself on vacation. To claim innocence (like Job was truly able to claim) would be wrong. I have been through this many times and I know I am suffering a consequence of my sin. That has become easy for me to see. I know to confess and ask God to help me get back on track. I also know that when I turn to Him he helps me get through the time with minimal drama. (Didn't really ask Him soon enough this weekend...sorry if you saw any of my crazy mood swings). He does not remove the consequence though.

Another situation was much more difficult. I want to leave out details so its not gossip, but here are the basics. I had great friends and was working with youth at my church and was so blessed. Suddenly, things all started to go wrong. Friendships started to grow apart and my ministry at church disappeared slowly, then one day was taken away completely. Why? I assumed Satan must be 'attacking' me because of my faithfulness. Maybe, but after YEARS of a downward spiral, I finally realized something. I was so prideful. I had come to rely on friends, not God. I thought I was God's gift to youth ministry. The more I struggled, the more people told me I was innocent. When I was convicted of any sin, instead of accepting the consequences, I decided that I had already confessed the sin and so the current suffering must be unrelated, perhaps the sin of others. I grew further away from God. I was completely unable to form friendships. Now 4 years after college I look back and realize that though more mature, I am not nearly as intimate with God as I used to be. I grew apart from God because I would not realize my sin in the situation. Every time God started to convict me, I would listen to a friend’s wrong advice or cling to scripture like Job without realizing how different our situations were. Friends were just trying to comfort, but I have learned its dangerous to offer 'truth' and 'advice' when you haven't really prayed about what God wants you to say (Like Job's friends did, only that was the complete opposite situation). Once I finally got on my knees and realized the suffering was a result of some very specific selfish and prideful things I did and said, I was able to see things from His view. I could make a long list of things some friends and church members did very wrong as well. I am not responsible for convicting them though. It was only after I let the 'blaming' disappear and confessed my own sin that I was able to grow close to Him again. The consequences of sin 4 years ago still affect parts of my life today. I humbly continue to try to rely on Him to put things back together.

Right now, I have some friendship problems because of sin I have not dealt with. I am repeating the same silly situation that happened to me a few months ago, and a year ago. I am convicted every so often, cry some tears and get on my knees and want all to be fixed. The results of some horrible things I did and said are still there. Instead of asking God to help me work through those struggles I created, I let myself believe others words...the biggest lie being that my struggle is now because of actions of others in my life. I know EXACTLY what situation caused these struggles I am having. I know the sin. No, the sin is not still going on, but I need to face the truth...God is allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions. When I deny that, I refuse to let God humble me and therefore fall into sin again.

Where did I ever get the idea that confession of sin means no consequences for actions? I have no idea. Maybe it’s just me that struggles with it. I would love to grow so that in any suffering, I automatically ask Him to search my heart and point out any sin in me (Ps 139:23-24). When I can humble respond like that, then I can allow him to use those types of trials to also grow my faith.

Diligence

Today I received a call from a strange number. Because I was in the middle of training for work, I did not answer. Instead, I waited for the first break and anxiously dialed my voicemail. Who could it be? I always get so excited about strange numbers. Very odd of me because I am not sure who I would be expecting that could possibly be worthy of my excitement. This call was definitely not worthy. "Hi this is Kendall your trainer from the YMCA. I noticed you canceled our appointment last month and I have not seen you since. I was wondering if you want to reschedule". Yikes. Excuses went running through my head. I canceled the appointment in April because I had a DNOW that came up last minute. Very worthy cause. Then because I was at DNOW all weekend, I had to catch up on sleep that week, so I didn't work out. Finally I was caught up on sleep but behind on work; I had to stay late to grade papers. Besides, I was out of town during the weekend. Then I had to spend that week unpacking and doing laundry. The next weekend I got to sleep in because I earned it (How did I earn it? I woke up early on the Saturday I was out of town. Everyone knows if you wake up early one weekend you automatically earn the right to sleep in ridiculously late the next weekend.) And then I was sick for an entire week. So there you go Kendall. That is why you have not seen me.

Isn't it amazing how easy it is to fall out of a habit? I was doing so great with working out - every Tues, Thur and Sat. for two months. There was never any problem. I was just as busy as I am now. I had a legitimate reason for not going that first Saturday (It would have been odd to wake up at a DNOW and drive 45 minutes to my gym and back again before beginning the days lessons, am I right?) However, the excuses just came pouring in after that. All of them are valid concerns and struggles. It took so long to build the habit, and now it’s not even a thought in the back of my head.

Working out is healthy, but not essential for me right now. Unfortunately, this problem is not limited to the YMCA. It’s amazing how just one mistake can send me in a downward spiral. I was sick the last two weeks, unable-to-function sick. I could not hold my pen to journal. I remember crying out many prayers for healing, but not prayers for others. I am sure God will understand. Then I start to feel a little better, but I still feel a little ill, so perhaps no Bible reading tonight. Then I start to feel completely better, but its May and I haven't picked out what I want to read for this month yet. I will pick it out tomorrow, or the next night, or...oh my goodness its already May 10!

My youth Bible study Wed. night, my peer Bible study Wed. night, and the singles Bible study tonight ALL were about 2 Peter 1. After careful consideration, I decided perhaps God was trying to teach me something :) As I am working on memorizing verses 5-9, I am stuck on the word diligence. I wish I had the Greek, but I don't so for now dictinary.com will have to do. (If you know the Greek, please share). Diligence means a constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind. His grace is so amazing, and because of His grace, I should be seeking moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love. I am not even sure I grasp the meaning of all those characteristics, but I do know I am not diligently seeking anything. Peter goes on to say that he who lacks these qualities has forgotten his purification from sin. I would never want to admit that, but when I fail to seek Him, I am doing that very thing.

Excuses may work for the YMCA (though Kendall might disagree). They obviously won't cut it for God. I am either diligently seeking Him or I am forgetting His grace.

Disappointment

My latest major disappointment? Spider-Man 3. No, this is not a movie review. Keep reading.
The Spider-Man movies have been some of my favorites. I grew up watching the cartoon with my brother Saturday mornings.
The first two movies lived up to my expectations. This last one had a bit too much. Too many villains too little time to develop their characters. I knew in my head how the story was supposed to go. I left the theater entertained, but a bit disappointed. What I had conjured up in my head was so much more amazing. (What's that? This is sounding like a movie review? I told you its not. No, it’s actually about God. Confused yet?)

I was lying in bed last night thinking. If I had not spent so much time thinking about the movie, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Now I am not a nerd; I did not spend hours on end thinking about Peter Parker, but I wasted time anticipating the movie. Everything I imagined it being in my head set the movie up to disappoint me.

As I was pondering this thought in those moments in between asleep and awake, God twisted my thoughts to Him.* How often do I sit and imagine my future? Sometimes its worry. Sometimes its just daydreaming: My future job; My future spouse; My future home. I even spend time imagining my next days, hours, and even the future that is only a few minutes ahead. What a waste of time! I have all these expectations in my mind. When I get a specific idea in my head of what I want tomorrow to look like, I theoretically set God up to disappoint me.

But He never has! Not once. I remember when my whole world was high school. I tried to picture what college would be like. College was so much more fun than I would have ever thought. I know have imagined up some pretty amazing jobs for my future. My favorite was working with youth in New York City. I told anyone and everyone I was going there. (Hmm, James 4:13-15 maybe would have helped there!) I work at a school for at-risk teenagers in River Oaks, TX. Have you even heard of River Oaks? Let's just say its no NYC. And I teach English. I distinctly remember telling my journalism advisors on more than one occasion that I would not make my second teaching field English. I refused. I NEVER wanted to teach English. Yep, God, You're funny sometimes. :)

I can spend hours daydreaming about my ideal job, man, house, or family. God is more amazing then my feeble mind. I would have never thought up my current job, but its perfect for right now. And the ideal man...ok still waiting for that one...but since God is better than my daydreams this one will be a good one :)

The point is this - Why even daydream? What a waste of time! I started thinking about the thing I have probably spent the most time in my life daydreaming about - my future spouse. I am a normal girl, so I don't think I spend more than the average girl thinking about it. Let's say that since I was 16 or so I spend about 5 minutes a day daydreaming about a guy. (Its probably more like 3 hours a day during those times I had crushes and no time at all in those few in between crush-free phases). Ten years later that is 12 days of my life wasted. I am pretty sure whatever type of guy I was daydreaming about at 16 isn't really applicable to what I want now. I know there are countless other things I spent at least 5 minutes a day daydreaming about. I could have spent that time doing something much more eternally significant. Even now, whatever type of guy I am daydreaming about, after much personal growth and maturity, still probably isn't exactly what God knows I need. The same can be said about my future job, home, and children.

So what then should I do instead? While reading Romans 5, God really pointed something out to me. Verse 5 says "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I am not a take-the-scripture-out-of-context kind of girl. It would be easy to say that this means if I hope that God will send me a man, He sure will. If I hope for NYC, I will get there. Not quite. Verse 2 explains that the hope is in the Glory of God. If I hope that I will glorify God with my life, He will send me the ways to do that. Right now, He has sent me a great job. If He wants me to glorify Him through a family, He will not disappoint me - He will send the man and later the children.

My response instead of daydreaming? Praise for what He has done, and prayer for what He will do. What if instead of daydreaming, I had spent 12 days in prayer over the last 10 years? Regret, ironically, would be a waste of time. Change is the only option.

*and yes I really did have ALL these thoughts when I was only partially awake :)