Driving home this Christmas season, I could not stop listening to the song "O Holy Night". The music is beautiful, but what really touches me is the lyrics. No Christmas songs brings me to a point of true worship like this song. The lyrics are amazing. The words are so perfect, not just speaking to the hope of Christmas, but of salvation. I wanted to dig deeper and find the origins of the song and share a little about what it means to me.
"Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn;"
Each time I hear these lines, I think of life before Christ. Not before the first Christmas; obviously I don't have any concept of the BC era. I think of the time in my life before Christ. I was pining for all the wrong things, stuck in my own sin, with no desire or hope for anything else in the world. I remember countless nights lying awake wondering and longing for a purpose. I felt life was pointless. Then Christ - suddenly He transformed my heart and my soul felt its worth. I had hope. I truly can’t help to fall on my knees and worship.
Now in the midst of walking the Christian life, I cling to these lyrics in the song -
"He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!"
How true! I so easily forget Christmas is about our Lord becoming human, (yet still fully God)
"For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because He himself suffered when he was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." (Heb. 2:17-18). He knows our weaknesses and trials, so easily I forget that He can help me through each struggle.
"Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease."
The last part meant little to me until I saw the film "Amazing Grace". If you haven't seen it, know that it is a must-see. It is the story of William Wilberforce and the end of the British slave trade. Even with what little I know about the battle to end the slave trade, I know that these lyrics were powerful and controversial for their time. Placide Cappeau, the writer of the poetic lyrics, was known for his extreme views against slavery. The song was often attacked not because of the lyrics, but because of his politics. Although I have no idea the specifics of his politics, I know that in 1847 claiming "Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother" would have caused many to be uneasy. How bold to include this truth in the midst of a worshipful Christmas song! I wonder how people reacted as they heard this third verse?
I learned that "O Holy Night" was the first song ever broadcast on the radio, on Christmas Eve 1906. Over 100 years later, we still hear it on the radio. It is such a nice break from the songs about Santa, presents and romance. I hope the song continues to remain a popular classic so that each Christmas I will be reminded of who Christ really is.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM)
Satire is one of my favorite forms of writing. The sarcastic side of me enjoys the careful art of exaggeration and extremely ridiculousness that is involved. However, I don't think I ever read a satire I did not at least partly agree with...until a few days ago.
I was first introduced to the concept of intelligent design at a D-Now I led a year ago. I must admit, I have not researched the details of it, but I know that it has caused controversy in my home state of Kansas; not surprising considering it mixes faith with science. I was amused and appalled all at once to learn of a satirical character known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
If you don't know the details, I encourage you to research more, but basically someone wrote a letter claiming that he believed intelligent design was not by the God of Christianity or any other major religion, but instead by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The letter mocks the idea of the universe being created by an unseen God. (see link in title)
"Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. ...He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is...what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease."
1 Corinthians 1:17-25 quickly came to mind. The Cross (and really all God's Word) is foolishness to those who are perishing. It is only through the Holy Spirit that I am able to begin to fathom God's Word and the great mysteries it entails. As annoyed as I was with the idea of the FSM, it so clearly illustrates Paul's point. How foolish we must look to others! Do I care that others see us, see me, as foolish? Honestly, sometimes I do.
God really used this FSM idea to remind me of how His wisdom and ways are truly higher than my ways, than earthly understanding (Isaiah 55:9). How easily I can forget that. I let my life reflect the values of the world so that things make sense logically. I do not worship any pasta deities, but I often do fall short in my faith as I trade God’s plan for my life for a more conventional story. I try to justify what I think fits the world AND my faith. However, God has not asked me to understand all those hard topics that seem contradictory by logic or science – creation, trinity, etc. I am humbled and reminded of Job’s confession. "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know." Job 42:3
Thursday, October 11, 2007
The turning point
A few weeks ago, after hearing a motivational speech from Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz author), I had a brilliant blog in my head. However, after weeks of processing it has been slightly tweaked.
Miller spoke about life as a story, and the essential need for an exciting plot and conflict. Immediately the plot triangle ran through my head. Plot- Introduction, Rising Action, Climax/Turning Point, Falling Action, Conclusion.
That is one of the many Word Wall words I test my students on. I never suspected it would show up at a Christian conference. I taught plot all week and the last thing I needed on a Friday night was a repeat of my own lessons. I was not looking forward to his talk. However, he had some interesting points. He challenged the crowd to not settle for a mundane ordinary story, but seek out a story that would make a difference in the world. He explained how movies and stories we love are full of conflict, not ordinary.
All I could think about was how easily we, females especially, settle for a 1-star-movie storyline. Almost every girl longs for a chick-flick like romance story. But how many chick-flicks make millions at the box office? Titanic made millions, but the guy dies. Who wants that story? The ordinary happily-ever-after story is only mildly interesting. Somehow we have bought in to the lie that the best story to have is a romance. There is so much more.
The story that came to mind was The Hiding Place, the story of Corrie Ten Boom. The film version, made in 1975, is a little slow. However, it can hold the attention of my at-risk students just as much as any other big budget movie. Why? Because it is an amazing story about how someone made a difference. They don't understand much about the reasons Corrie does what she does, they just know there is something gripping about the story. Corrie never marries, but her story is so much better than a romance. God uses her in great ways. Would I be willing to trade in my mediocre dream plot for one more timeless and impactful?
As Miller challenged us to pray for a new mission, a powerful story, I thought about my story. I'm an English teacher named Erin working with at-risk high school students inspiring them with stories about life and the Holocaust. Sound familiar? I saw that movie last year. It's been done...Freedom Writers. Not only that, but in the movie, Erin looses McDreamy because she is so devoted to her students. That WILL NOT be my story. I left the conference convinced I needed a NEW story. I was ready to blog away all you have just read.
A few weeks later, God has taught me a lot. Work is crazy right now. Not crazy like I'm a teacher and I'm busy, crazy like the demands are so extreme that so many other teachers even tell me to leave. As my coworkers stressed, I managed to stay stress free but became really discouraged. All I could think about was a better story. Anyone could do my job. I would be much better off serving somewhere like Romania, New York City, or in some youth ministry. I wanted out of my current story.
The past few days at work haven't been any better or worse than any other. But I love my students. I enjoy teaching them so much. Perhaps I am not in need of a new story. Perhaps God is just teaching me through my current situation to prepare me for a turning point. My job will not be forever; I know that already. Who knows, maybe this is my last year? Or maybe there are a few more year in me? I think I'm ready for the turning point now, but honestly at this point I don't even know what the story is about. My story has just barely moved past the introduction and is now into the rising action. The turning point will come soon enough. I may not know what genre of story I am in, but I know that the stories God creates are never mediocre.
Miller spoke about life as a story, and the essential need for an exciting plot and conflict. Immediately the plot triangle ran through my head. Plot- Introduction, Rising Action, Climax/Turning Point, Falling Action, Conclusion.
That is one of the many Word Wall words I test my students on. I never suspected it would show up at a Christian conference. I taught plot all week and the last thing I needed on a Friday night was a repeat of my own lessons. I was not looking forward to his talk. However, he had some interesting points. He challenged the crowd to not settle for a mundane ordinary story, but seek out a story that would make a difference in the world. He explained how movies and stories we love are full of conflict, not ordinary.
All I could think about was how easily we, females especially, settle for a 1-star-movie storyline. Almost every girl longs for a chick-flick like romance story. But how many chick-flicks make millions at the box office? Titanic made millions, but the guy dies. Who wants that story? The ordinary happily-ever-after story is only mildly interesting. Somehow we have bought in to the lie that the best story to have is a romance. There is so much more.
The story that came to mind was The Hiding Place, the story of Corrie Ten Boom. The film version, made in 1975, is a little slow. However, it can hold the attention of my at-risk students just as much as any other big budget movie. Why? Because it is an amazing story about how someone made a difference. They don't understand much about the reasons Corrie does what she does, they just know there is something gripping about the story. Corrie never marries, but her story is so much better than a romance. God uses her in great ways. Would I be willing to trade in my mediocre dream plot for one more timeless and impactful?
As Miller challenged us to pray for a new mission, a powerful story, I thought about my story. I'm an English teacher named Erin working with at-risk high school students inspiring them with stories about life and the Holocaust. Sound familiar? I saw that movie last year. It's been done...Freedom Writers. Not only that, but in the movie, Erin looses McDreamy because she is so devoted to her students. That WILL NOT be my story. I left the conference convinced I needed a NEW story. I was ready to blog away all you have just read.
A few weeks later, God has taught me a lot. Work is crazy right now. Not crazy like I'm a teacher and I'm busy, crazy like the demands are so extreme that so many other teachers even tell me to leave. As my coworkers stressed, I managed to stay stress free but became really discouraged. All I could think about was a better story. Anyone could do my job. I would be much better off serving somewhere like Romania, New York City, or in some youth ministry. I wanted out of my current story.
The past few days at work haven't been any better or worse than any other. But I love my students. I enjoy teaching them so much. Perhaps I am not in need of a new story. Perhaps God is just teaching me through my current situation to prepare me for a turning point. My job will not be forever; I know that already. Who knows, maybe this is my last year? Or maybe there are a few more year in me? I think I'm ready for the turning point now, but honestly at this point I don't even know what the story is about. My story has just barely moved past the introduction and is now into the rising action. The turning point will come soon enough. I may not know what genre of story I am in, but I know that the stories God creates are never mediocre.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Off Limits
Adam and Eve. Every Sunday-school-raised child has heard the story many times and knows all the "church answers" to all the right questions. You can imagine my disappointment when I found that my Sunday school class had 4 lessons over Adam and Eve. How on earth does one drag out the story for 4 weeks? I'm pretty sure I shared my discouragement with all my fellow Sunday school teachers. I knew I would need to fill in the lessons with a little extra.
The Word of God is powerful and active, sharper than any double edge sword. It's amazing how easy it is to forget that the 'familiar' stories we read in children's Bibles are part of the powerful word of God. As I was reading over my lesson material, God really started to get a hold of my heart. As I looked at the lesson material about God's covenant with Adam, the typical questions were listed. What would you have liked most about living in the garden (most the kids said being naked to this one...haha) and other shallow questions of the sort. But then a deeper question stood out to me. The lesson started to focus on God's provision and Adam's call to obedience. The question asked, "Are there areas in your life that God has labeled "off limits" but that you continue to pursue?" Right away God convicted me. I could not get it out of my head.
Did Adam and Eve pursue the tree of knowledge of good and evil? Maybe. They were obviously near enough to the tree to be tempted into sin. They had no reason to doubt God's boundaries, and maybe they did not pursue it, but they did not resist the temptation either.
I can't even begin to list the countless things I have KNOWN God said no about and yet I sought after. The church answer didn't work with this question. Usually the kids list things like the Ten Commandments. "Thou shall not kill" is off limits to me (and all people), but I do not struggle here because I do not in any way struggle with the desire to kill...church answers don't fit what God was trying to tell me.
God has called me to avoid some very specific things that I cannot stop chasing after. The hardest part is that the specific things God says no to in my life are often good things, great things even, but not things He has for me. No one knows I am pursuing sin because no one else knows that God has set that particular thing as "off limits" for me. The details are not for important for blogging to the world, but I know I find myself struggling with the same sins over and over again as I pursue jobs, guys, and friendships that God has specifically closed doors to. (See my "Screaming and throwing pillows at the TV" entry) I fall in to temptation and find myself asking God why I am again in this situation. I know He has my best in mind; I know He has an amazing plan for me, but somehow the rebellious child in me can't resist. It's almost as if I think that maybe, just maybe this time I'm right and He's not.
Every time I read the story of Adam and Eve, I thought about how easily they seemed to sin. There were so many other trees to eat from. It was the only thing God said no to. As I put the story in to perspective of my own life, God has given me so much freedom in Him and said no to very few of my desires. How is it that I continue to pursue those very few things He says no to? I dance around with temptation and run to God acting shocked when I fall on my face and give in. The solution? There is no easy answer, but I find the more I pursue Him, the more I am able to trust that the boundaries He has for me will ultimately change my character to be more like His.
The Word of God is powerful and active, sharper than any double edge sword. It's amazing how easy it is to forget that the 'familiar' stories we read in children's Bibles are part of the powerful word of God. As I was reading over my lesson material, God really started to get a hold of my heart. As I looked at the lesson material about God's covenant with Adam, the typical questions were listed. What would you have liked most about living in the garden (most the kids said being naked to this one...haha) and other shallow questions of the sort. But then a deeper question stood out to me. The lesson started to focus on God's provision and Adam's call to obedience. The question asked, "Are there areas in your life that God has labeled "off limits" but that you continue to pursue?" Right away God convicted me. I could not get it out of my head.
Did Adam and Eve pursue the tree of knowledge of good and evil? Maybe. They were obviously near enough to the tree to be tempted into sin. They had no reason to doubt God's boundaries, and maybe they did not pursue it, but they did not resist the temptation either.
I can't even begin to list the countless things I have KNOWN God said no about and yet I sought after. The church answer didn't work with this question. Usually the kids list things like the Ten Commandments. "Thou shall not kill" is off limits to me (and all people), but I do not struggle here because I do not in any way struggle with the desire to kill...church answers don't fit what God was trying to tell me.
God has called me to avoid some very specific things that I cannot stop chasing after. The hardest part is that the specific things God says no to in my life are often good things, great things even, but not things He has for me. No one knows I am pursuing sin because no one else knows that God has set that particular thing as "off limits" for me. The details are not for important for blogging to the world, but I know I find myself struggling with the same sins over and over again as I pursue jobs, guys, and friendships that God has specifically closed doors to. (See my "Screaming and throwing pillows at the TV" entry) I fall in to temptation and find myself asking God why I am again in this situation. I know He has my best in mind; I know He has an amazing plan for me, but somehow the rebellious child in me can't resist. It's almost as if I think that maybe, just maybe this time I'm right and He's not.
Every time I read the story of Adam and Eve, I thought about how easily they seemed to sin. There were so many other trees to eat from. It was the only thing God said no to. As I put the story in to perspective of my own life, God has given me so much freedom in Him and said no to very few of my desires. How is it that I continue to pursue those very few things He says no to? I dance around with temptation and run to God acting shocked when I fall on my face and give in. The solution? There is no easy answer, but I find the more I pursue Him, the more I am able to trust that the boundaries He has for me will ultimately change my character to be more like His.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Romania Journals (all week is one LONG post!)
This is mostly just a summary of my trip to Romania. Most of the things God taught me are written in my journal.
Perhaps I will add more later, but for now this is a glimpse of what my trip was like
July 22 – Travel to NY
The first two flights were uneventful, mostly spent reading Harry Potter. However, my short layover in Atlanta was not 40 minutes, but 5! God really answered prayer there because I only made the flight because the gates were right next to each other. I must admit, as I sat with my luggage at LaGuardia airport waiting to transfer to JFK I longed to spend some time in New York City. I wanted to stay and do ministry in a city that has been my passion for years. Looking out the window of the plane, I knew right away we were flying over Queens. I know NYC. God quickly reminded me that the world is drawn to NYC. So many desire to be there, including those who feel called to minister. So many groups long to change NYC. But who is drawn to Romania? Who has that same passion for His children there? My passion for NYC will not fade, but my new passion for Romania becomes stronger each day.
July 22/23 – the flight to Hungry and Romania
I met my team in JFK and was too tired to talk much. We exchanged names and that was it. None of them sat near me on the flight. I sat next to a Hungarian woman who did not seem to know any English. In the midst of the 8-hour flight I woke up just long enough to be tempted by a delicacy I have avoided for so long. The in-flight meal was some random cheese pasta or chicken. I could have neither. I ate my stale role then examined my dessert. Cheesecake. Sometimes I like to try new things that I know I should not have, but this is one a have avoided for years. I knew I would love it. Since there was nothing else to eat, I gave it a try. It was delicious. An airplane slice of cheesecake was amazing. I can’t imagine what ‘real’ cheesecake taste like (real being Cheesecake Factory). Hopefully in the future I will be able to resist temptation, but for the plane ride over it was just enough to not be too much protein yet keep my stomach satisfied.
I slept the rest of the fight; I had no memory of the two movies and the candy bars others told me of later. What a loss, I needed chocolate! When we arrived in Budapest, we had about a six-hour layover so I fell asleep on the floor of the airport, using my carry on bag as a pillow.
The plane to Targu Mures was small and the flight was only an hour. Looking out the plane window I saw beautiful mountains and open land. I was wide-awake and ready for whatever God had for me. I knew customs was the next step, so I silently prayed as we landed and moved into the short line. The customs agents in the tiny airport did not seem too concerned with me. They asked if we had anything to declare without ever even telling us what types of items should be declared. Since we all had the nifty Livada luggage tags, all our bags were pulled into one group and none of us were even carrying our own stuff. They searched one big supply bag and that was it. After all was done, we realized that some of the bags were missing. Two of my teammates were missing all their stuff. The bags did not arrive until Wednesday morning. Although it was hard for them, it reminded me that God truly was answering a prayer by allowing my food and formula to arrive safely. I know that I could not take that for granted, it was God, not the airlines, that assured my bags made it safely to Romania. It was a huge answer to prayer.
We were taken to the Livada offices and fed dinner, then to our Guest House. It was a nice house with bunk beds and plenty of room. That night we learned quickly that its best to sleep with the windows open – it was so hot. Romania was experiencing temps in the 100s and we had no AC. It was crazy.
July 24 - Waterpark
I learned first thing in the morning that Romanians do not like their refrigerators as cold as we Americans enjoy. My formula was only a bit cooler then room temperature. Luckily this trip I learned the art of freezing my formula for an hour before I needed it. This proved to work the entire trip, except for one time when I forgot about it and froze it solid! After solving the problem, drinking my formula became rather easy, which was again a huge answer to prayer.
Today was the day we took the kids to a water park called The Weekend. We met the interns and translators at the office and paired into our groups. I was put in the best group of all, CTU, known of course for the famous Jack Bauer. Other groups were CIA, FBI, NSA, MI-5, SAS, SIE, etc. All of it fit quite well with the MissionPossible theme. We walked to the water park (a few pools and a few slides) and met the kids’ busses. The kids we had came from two groups, some from group homes and some from an orphanage called Ludus, the worst of all the orphanages in the area. I was paired with two teenage girls, Ana Maria, 15 and Adriana, 16. It amazed me how much they resembled the teens I work with here. They laughed at people in funny swimsuits (Did you know Romanians love to wear thongs to the beach…not the flip-flop kind! And many like to go topless). They checked out the guys. We even joined some of the guys for cokes. The boys insisted on buying for me too with what little money they had. While we sat and drank cokes, Adriana text messaged others. In the background the radio played Akon and I noticed that we were listening to KissFM, the same little station jingle and everything. If it weren’t for the thong Speedos, I might have forgotten I was in another country.
After saying goodbye to the kids we showered and headed off to McDonalds. I walked up to the counter and said “Large coke, large fries” only to be greeted with a blank stare. Oh yeah, this is Romania The Large Coke part was understood but I needed an intern to order my fries for me. Oops. The entire day felt was like that, I kept forgetting where I was. I kept forgetting the kids’ background as well, they seemed so normal. God had to constantly remind me of why I was there. I needed a lot of spiritual preparation before leaving for camp.
July 25- Camp Day 1
Camp was in a town called Vetca. It was a Hungarian town in Romania, meaning no one spoke Romanian. Livada built a kitchen, bathroom, and showers on the land they owned. The “cabins” were actually military tents complete with cots.
Someone brilliantly decided to put foam on the cots so they were actually very comfortable.
Since the theme was MissionPossible, secret agents welcomed the kids and informed them of the week’s mission. After they unpacked the day was full of random rec games and even a trip to town for ice cream. It was much like any youth camp. The kids were hesitant to play the games at first, but after a while they had a blast. My team consisted of Ana Maria and Adrianna, Levi, Nicolette, Ciocio (ok not really sure how that’s spelled) and Gabor.
Gabor is deaf and has grown up in the orphanage with little ability to communicate with the others. I was real impressed with the kids’ patience as everyone tried there best to make up signs so that Gabor was a part of every game. The kids did so well together that I almost felt useless. I had a blast, but my role was small and I knew nothing of the language.
The food part was a fun challenge. The kitchen was small and the cooks knew NO English. I knew NO Romanian. It was a comic sight. I had to find ways to “sign” to communicate butter, plate, knife and towel. I actually ended up with a spoon instead of a knife, but it worked. I never did figure out spatula so I turned over my tortillas with the spoon! The cooks were great though and willing to help however they could. It was such a relief to have such support from them.
We let the kids shower that night and then after a campfire and smores and Emi’s wonderful leading of “Jump, shake your bootie” we headed off to bed in the cold with no showers. Instead of sweating all night we were bundled up in sweats and socks. It was a very welcome change.
July 26- Camp Day 2
The second day of camp was hard. It started off with a team workout (which actually resembled dancing) then breakfast, then a hike up the mountain. The hike was difficult but proved to provide some amazing photos.
After the hike and lunch we played the worst game ever…ok, not really, it was a blast but WAY too much running for me. We ran around finding secret agents, only we had to find them in the right order. They were spread all around camp so if you found them too soon you had to run back later. I was about to fall over by the end, but team CTU managed to get third place.
Since we were running low on water, instead of having the kids shower we let them slip and slide. There was soap and water, so close enough! The ones who joined in had fun and most the others got caught up in throwing buckets of water onto people.
That night was the best part of the trip. Each of the leaders took some time to pray for the students. The kids had no clue what I was praying out loud over them, which gave me such a freedom, it really was just God and me. As I was waiting to pray for one of the kids, they all began to be restless and started laughing and whispering. When I approached Levi I put my arms around him as he laughed. The first thing I prayed was that he would take it seriously even though he had no idea what I was saying. I prayed for many things, but mostly for God to make him a great leader. All the kids follow him and I know that God can and will use him for such great things. The entire time a prayed he sat calmly. When I was done, he found one of the other leaders who had not prayed for him yet and asked for prayer. To everyone’s surprise he also offered to pray for her. She knows a lot of Romanian so she was able to tell that Levi thanked God for brining her to work with them and prayed that God would bless her marriage. It was obviously not a formula prayer. Levi was praying his heart. It was amazing to see God working in him. God gave me an immediate glimpse of how he was answering my prayer for Levi. It was such a blessing to be a small part of his life.
July 27- Ropes Course
Friday we took the kids to a rope course, high ropes that is. Anyone who knows me knows that this stuff is not my thing. Most my group seemed like they didn’t want to try anything. I was a little worried about what the day would look like. I helped out at Jacob’s Ladder, a ladder that takes the teamwork of two people to climb. I watched the boys venture to the top successfully, even Gabor with his limited ability to communicate with his partner. Then my girls decided to try. I was so proud of them. Everyone in my group made it to the top. After lunch, it was my turn. Heights don’t scare me at all; I’m just not very strong. I wasn’t afraid of going up and falling, I was afraid of not getting to the top. One of the many ways I am still so prideful. It was hard work but I was able to make it. (I can’t say the same about the climbing wall though; I can’t seem to master those!) The day was very laid back and the kids had so much fun completing tasks they didn’t think possible.
The last hour it finally sunk in that we were not going to see the kids again. Goodbye doesn’t really fit the situation. Perhaps I will be back in March or the summer. Maybe not. Honestly I was not sad because I have never felt so much confidence in a ministry before. I KNOW that Livada staff will continue to be a part of the kids’ lives throughout the year. Even if I never make it back, these kids will be ministered to. I allowed God to use me this week but I was merely a vessel. So many others will come and be used by Him in the same way. I hope I will be back soon, but I love knowing that so many others are obediently responding to His call in the lives of these orphans.
That night back in Mures we cleaned up (first showers since Tuesday night) and headed out to dinner. Another group from Livada was at the restaurant before us and must have eaten all the food. Half the food we tried to order they were ‘sold out’ of. It was a bit of true Romanian culture. It was a fun evening, but everyone knew the trip was ending and no one was ready.
July 28 –Ludus
We woke up early and drove to Ludus, the orphanage about half the campers live at. I wish we could have seen Ludus before we met the kids. They did not allow us in but the outside was very telling, everything looked run down. Ciocio and Levi were the only ones from my group at Ludus so I was not sure what to expect. Levi greeted me with a big hug but Ciocio asked for Kimber, the other leader. Seconds later one of the girls took my hand. Claudia had gone to camp another week but felt an attachment to me. She seemed to think I would make a great football partner (soccer). I had a blast kicking around the ball and playing on the rusty swings. My favorite part of the day was then one of the Livada staff members handed out bags of clothing. She had bought them tons of clothes; most of the girls’ clothes came from Forever21. The girls were so excited to try on their new outfits, which were very trendy. The boys’ faces lit up when she pulled out Adidas shirts. Levi was so proud of his Adidas shirt that he put it on right then. One little boy was so excited about his new pair of tighty-whities. I wish I had a picture of him, but no photos are allowed there. It was humbling and heartbreaking all at once to see where they lived and get a small glimpse of what life was like for them. I really didn’t want to leave, but once again was able to leave knowing God has placed so many faithful servants there to minister.
After Ludus we spent some time shopping for souvenirs, only about 2 hours total which was not nearly enough time…if you didn’t get anything now you know why. We joined the interns for a cookout and said some goodbyes. Honestly the people I needed to say goodbye to were not there. Kimber, my intern, left early, Radu, Dana and Emi, the Romanians on team CTU were all absent as well. It was discouraging not to be able to say goodbye and tell them how much I appreciated them but hopefully my many thanks on Friday was enough. That night we slept for 3 hours then headed out to the airport.
July 29/30 – Flight Home
On the flight back I was able to sit by Katie, which was such a blessing. It was so great to sit next to someone who spoke English! More than that, it was great to just sit and talk about the week and all God had been teaching us both. Our flight landed late due to weather and so our team parted ways very quickly right after customs…it was the fastest I have ever given hugs and there was no time for words! After paying way too much money for a cab so I could make my flight at LaGuardia, I found out my flight was delayed and I would not make the Atlanta connection. I was so tired that I burst into tears at the agents counter. It did not help that they were very rude. My sister saved the day and got me a hotel in Atlanta. I slept so well, the first time sleeping in AC in a week. My bags made it to Dallas at about 8am and I made it back at about 1pm. I was so sure I did not have jet lag. I took a nap at 4pm and except for a brief phone call/visit I don’t really remember (sorry Kristen) I slept until 6:30am.
Perhaps I will add more later, but for now this is a glimpse of what my trip was like
July 22 – Travel to NY
The first two flights were uneventful, mostly spent reading Harry Potter. However, my short layover in Atlanta was not 40 minutes, but 5! God really answered prayer there because I only made the flight because the gates were right next to each other. I must admit, as I sat with my luggage at LaGuardia airport waiting to transfer to JFK I longed to spend some time in New York City. I wanted to stay and do ministry in a city that has been my passion for years. Looking out the window of the plane, I knew right away we were flying over Queens. I know NYC. God quickly reminded me that the world is drawn to NYC. So many desire to be there, including those who feel called to minister. So many groups long to change NYC. But who is drawn to Romania? Who has that same passion for His children there? My passion for NYC will not fade, but my new passion for Romania becomes stronger each day.
July 22/23 – the flight to Hungry and Romania
I met my team in JFK and was too tired to talk much. We exchanged names and that was it. None of them sat near me on the flight. I sat next to a Hungarian woman who did not seem to know any English. In the midst of the 8-hour flight I woke up just long enough to be tempted by a delicacy I have avoided for so long. The in-flight meal was some random cheese pasta or chicken. I could have neither. I ate my stale role then examined my dessert. Cheesecake. Sometimes I like to try new things that I know I should not have, but this is one a have avoided for years. I knew I would love it. Since there was nothing else to eat, I gave it a try. It was delicious. An airplane slice of cheesecake was amazing. I can’t imagine what ‘real’ cheesecake taste like (real being Cheesecake Factory). Hopefully in the future I will be able to resist temptation, but for the plane ride over it was just enough to not be too much protein yet keep my stomach satisfied.
I slept the rest of the fight; I had no memory of the two movies and the candy bars others told me of later. What a loss, I needed chocolate! When we arrived in Budapest, we had about a six-hour layover so I fell asleep on the floor of the airport, using my carry on bag as a pillow.
The plane to Targu Mures was small and the flight was only an hour. Looking out the plane window I saw beautiful mountains and open land. I was wide-awake and ready for whatever God had for me. I knew customs was the next step, so I silently prayed as we landed and moved into the short line. The customs agents in the tiny airport did not seem too concerned with me. They asked if we had anything to declare without ever even telling us what types of items should be declared. Since we all had the nifty Livada luggage tags, all our bags were pulled into one group and none of us were even carrying our own stuff. They searched one big supply bag and that was it. After all was done, we realized that some of the bags were missing. Two of my teammates were missing all their stuff. The bags did not arrive until Wednesday morning. Although it was hard for them, it reminded me that God truly was answering a prayer by allowing my food and formula to arrive safely. I know that I could not take that for granted, it was God, not the airlines, that assured my bags made it safely to Romania. It was a huge answer to prayer.
We were taken to the Livada offices and fed dinner, then to our Guest House. It was a nice house with bunk beds and plenty of room. That night we learned quickly that its best to sleep with the windows open – it was so hot. Romania was experiencing temps in the 100s and we had no AC. It was crazy.
July 24 - Waterpark
I learned first thing in the morning that Romanians do not like their refrigerators as cold as we Americans enjoy. My formula was only a bit cooler then room temperature. Luckily this trip I learned the art of freezing my formula for an hour before I needed it. This proved to work the entire trip, except for one time when I forgot about it and froze it solid! After solving the problem, drinking my formula became rather easy, which was again a huge answer to prayer.
Today was the day we took the kids to a water park called The Weekend. We met the interns and translators at the office and paired into our groups. I was put in the best group of all, CTU, known of course for the famous Jack Bauer. Other groups were CIA, FBI, NSA, MI-5, SAS, SIE, etc. All of it fit quite well with the MissionPossible theme. We walked to the water park (a few pools and a few slides) and met the kids’ busses. The kids we had came from two groups, some from group homes and some from an orphanage called Ludus, the worst of all the orphanages in the area. I was paired with two teenage girls, Ana Maria, 15 and Adriana, 16. It amazed me how much they resembled the teens I work with here. They laughed at people in funny swimsuits (Did you know Romanians love to wear thongs to the beach…not the flip-flop kind! And many like to go topless). They checked out the guys. We even joined some of the guys for cokes. The boys insisted on buying for me too with what little money they had. While we sat and drank cokes, Adriana text messaged others. In the background the radio played Akon and I noticed that we were listening to KissFM, the same little station jingle and everything. If it weren’t for the thong Speedos, I might have forgotten I was in another country.
After saying goodbye to the kids we showered and headed off to McDonalds. I walked up to the counter and said “Large coke, large fries” only to be greeted with a blank stare. Oh yeah, this is Romania The Large Coke part was understood but I needed an intern to order my fries for me. Oops. The entire day felt was like that, I kept forgetting where I was. I kept forgetting the kids’ background as well, they seemed so normal. God had to constantly remind me of why I was there. I needed a lot of spiritual preparation before leaving for camp.
July 25- Camp Day 1
Camp was in a town called Vetca. It was a Hungarian town in Romania, meaning no one spoke Romanian. Livada built a kitchen, bathroom, and showers on the land they owned. The “cabins” were actually military tents complete with cots.
Someone brilliantly decided to put foam on the cots so they were actually very comfortable.
Since the theme was MissionPossible, secret agents welcomed the kids and informed them of the week’s mission. After they unpacked the day was full of random rec games and even a trip to town for ice cream. It was much like any youth camp. The kids were hesitant to play the games at first, but after a while they had a blast. My team consisted of Ana Maria and Adrianna, Levi, Nicolette, Ciocio (ok not really sure how that’s spelled) and Gabor.
Gabor is deaf and has grown up in the orphanage with little ability to communicate with the others. I was real impressed with the kids’ patience as everyone tried there best to make up signs so that Gabor was a part of every game. The kids did so well together that I almost felt useless. I had a blast, but my role was small and I knew nothing of the language.
The food part was a fun challenge. The kitchen was small and the cooks knew NO English. I knew NO Romanian. It was a comic sight. I had to find ways to “sign” to communicate butter, plate, knife and towel. I actually ended up with a spoon instead of a knife, but it worked. I never did figure out spatula so I turned over my tortillas with the spoon! The cooks were great though and willing to help however they could. It was such a relief to have such support from them.
We let the kids shower that night and then after a campfire and smores and Emi’s wonderful leading of “Jump, shake your bootie” we headed off to bed in the cold with no showers. Instead of sweating all night we were bundled up in sweats and socks. It was a very welcome change.
July 26- Camp Day 2
The second day of camp was hard. It started off with a team workout (which actually resembled dancing) then breakfast, then a hike up the mountain. The hike was difficult but proved to provide some amazing photos.
After the hike and lunch we played the worst game ever…ok, not really, it was a blast but WAY too much running for me. We ran around finding secret agents, only we had to find them in the right order. They were spread all around camp so if you found them too soon you had to run back later. I was about to fall over by the end, but team CTU managed to get third place.
Since we were running low on water, instead of having the kids shower we let them slip and slide. There was soap and water, so close enough! The ones who joined in had fun and most the others got caught up in throwing buckets of water onto people.
That night was the best part of the trip. Each of the leaders took some time to pray for the students. The kids had no clue what I was praying out loud over them, which gave me such a freedom, it really was just God and me. As I was waiting to pray for one of the kids, they all began to be restless and started laughing and whispering. When I approached Levi I put my arms around him as he laughed. The first thing I prayed was that he would take it seriously even though he had no idea what I was saying. I prayed for many things, but mostly for God to make him a great leader. All the kids follow him and I know that God can and will use him for such great things. The entire time a prayed he sat calmly. When I was done, he found one of the other leaders who had not prayed for him yet and asked for prayer. To everyone’s surprise he also offered to pray for her. She knows a lot of Romanian so she was able to tell that Levi thanked God for brining her to work with them and prayed that God would bless her marriage. It was obviously not a formula prayer. Levi was praying his heart. It was amazing to see God working in him. God gave me an immediate glimpse of how he was answering my prayer for Levi. It was such a blessing to be a small part of his life.
July 27- Ropes Course
Friday we took the kids to a rope course, high ropes that is. Anyone who knows me knows that this stuff is not my thing. Most my group seemed like they didn’t want to try anything. I was a little worried about what the day would look like. I helped out at Jacob’s Ladder, a ladder that takes the teamwork of two people to climb. I watched the boys venture to the top successfully, even Gabor with his limited ability to communicate with his partner. Then my girls decided to try. I was so proud of them. Everyone in my group made it to the top. After lunch, it was my turn. Heights don’t scare me at all; I’m just not very strong. I wasn’t afraid of going up and falling, I was afraid of not getting to the top. One of the many ways I am still so prideful. It was hard work but I was able to make it. (I can’t say the same about the climbing wall though; I can’t seem to master those!) The day was very laid back and the kids had so much fun completing tasks they didn’t think possible.
The last hour it finally sunk in that we were not going to see the kids again. Goodbye doesn’t really fit the situation. Perhaps I will be back in March or the summer. Maybe not. Honestly I was not sad because I have never felt so much confidence in a ministry before. I KNOW that Livada staff will continue to be a part of the kids’ lives throughout the year. Even if I never make it back, these kids will be ministered to. I allowed God to use me this week but I was merely a vessel. So many others will come and be used by Him in the same way. I hope I will be back soon, but I love knowing that so many others are obediently responding to His call in the lives of these orphans.
That night back in Mures we cleaned up (first showers since Tuesday night) and headed out to dinner. Another group from Livada was at the restaurant before us and must have eaten all the food. Half the food we tried to order they were ‘sold out’ of. It was a bit of true Romanian culture. It was a fun evening, but everyone knew the trip was ending and no one was ready.
July 28 –Ludus
We woke up early and drove to Ludus, the orphanage about half the campers live at. I wish we could have seen Ludus before we met the kids. They did not allow us in but the outside was very telling, everything looked run down. Ciocio and Levi were the only ones from my group at Ludus so I was not sure what to expect. Levi greeted me with a big hug but Ciocio asked for Kimber, the other leader. Seconds later one of the girls took my hand. Claudia had gone to camp another week but felt an attachment to me. She seemed to think I would make a great football partner (soccer). I had a blast kicking around the ball and playing on the rusty swings. My favorite part of the day was then one of the Livada staff members handed out bags of clothing. She had bought them tons of clothes; most of the girls’ clothes came from Forever21. The girls were so excited to try on their new outfits, which were very trendy. The boys’ faces lit up when she pulled out Adidas shirts. Levi was so proud of his Adidas shirt that he put it on right then. One little boy was so excited about his new pair of tighty-whities. I wish I had a picture of him, but no photos are allowed there. It was humbling and heartbreaking all at once to see where they lived and get a small glimpse of what life was like for them. I really didn’t want to leave, but once again was able to leave knowing God has placed so many faithful servants there to minister.
After Ludus we spent some time shopping for souvenirs, only about 2 hours total which was not nearly enough time…if you didn’t get anything now you know why. We joined the interns for a cookout and said some goodbyes. Honestly the people I needed to say goodbye to were not there. Kimber, my intern, left early, Radu, Dana and Emi, the Romanians on team CTU were all absent as well. It was discouraging not to be able to say goodbye and tell them how much I appreciated them but hopefully my many thanks on Friday was enough. That night we slept for 3 hours then headed out to the airport.
July 29/30 – Flight Home
On the flight back I was able to sit by Katie, which was such a blessing. It was so great to sit next to someone who spoke English! More than that, it was great to just sit and talk about the week and all God had been teaching us both. Our flight landed late due to weather and so our team parted ways very quickly right after customs…it was the fastest I have ever given hugs and there was no time for words! After paying way too much money for a cab so I could make my flight at LaGuardia, I found out my flight was delayed and I would not make the Atlanta connection. I was so tired that I burst into tears at the agents counter. It did not help that they were very rude. My sister saved the day and got me a hotel in Atlanta. I slept so well, the first time sleeping in AC in a week. My bags made it to Dallas at about 8am and I made it back at about 1pm. I was so sure I did not have jet lag. I took a nap at 4pm and except for a brief phone call/visit I don’t really remember (sorry Kristen) I slept until 6:30am.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
screaming and throwing pillows at the TV
Grey's Anatomy. I had never seen the show before Saturday. I just finished watching Disc One of Season TWO. I have a long way to go but I can already tell what the rest of the episodes will be like. As the season goes on, I will want to scream and throw my pillow.
Dramatic irony is my favorite "nerdy-English-teacher" element and the Grey's audience always knows what’s going on but the shows' characters know very little about the whole picture. Even when they do know the facts, I sometimes want to sit back and yell at them. How could they be so stupid? They go back and forth on decisions and seem to repeat mistakes. I'm not just talking about Grey's anymore. Most drama shows are like that. The more seasons the show runs, the more likely the character is to repeat the same mistakes from the pilot episode. It can be frustrating to watch.
This week in Houston, I learned a new song written by the worship leader, Will Taylor. The lyrics got to me. I could not get it out of my head and either could the others on the trip. The song starts out. "This is not about me, this is not about me, Jesus You are the King, Without You I am nothing". Honestly, at first I thought it was going to be a cheesy song. "Father forgive me, I am full of excuses. I want my walk to have consistency...I want my life with You to have integrity." When we started singing those lyrics, my heart started to really listen to the words I was saying. Then the part that got to me... "I am an adulterous, faithless bride, Yet you love me still...forgive me for saying I love You then running away; For singing and praying to You, then worshiping me"
The song touched me for a lot of reasons. I just finished reading Francine Rivers Redeeming Love, which is a retelling of Hosea. Until I sung those song lyrics, I was not really sure how Gomer's situation applied to me. I am like a character from the an over-dramatic TV show. If you were watching my life, you would be screaming and throwing your pillow at the TV. Really, the same sin again? Yes, really. I used to be that silly girl from the horror movies that walks right toward the killer because she is to naive to know danger is behind the door. At least I am not that girl anymore. Right? I am now the girl who knows my mistakes and repeats them, a little less extreme each time but same mistake and same sin. Maybe that girl deserves a few more pillows thrown then the horror-film girl?
The funny thing about real life is that there will always be "dramatic irony". Only God knows the entire picture. He sees things I don't. He also sees me making the same mistakes over and over again. He sees me opening up the door even though I know danger lurks behind and I should flee. He sees me chasing after things I know are wrong, but chasing anyway. He sees me relive pain over and over again because I didn't learn the first time. He doesn't yell or throw pillows. He loves me still. Why? How could Hosea love Gomer? How could God forgive again and again? Especially knowing that I will never get it perfectly. That is love. I have no idea what the big picture of my life looks like, but so far it would make one frustrating TV show! Just like the song lyrics, I am the girl who sings and prays to Him, but worships my way of doing things. I am so full of excuses. I don't want my life to be an ABC Family Seventh-Heaven spin-off, but it’s about time I listen to God's direction and learn from the past.
Dramatic irony is my favorite "nerdy-English-teacher" element and the Grey's audience always knows what’s going on but the shows' characters know very little about the whole picture. Even when they do know the facts, I sometimes want to sit back and yell at them. How could they be so stupid? They go back and forth on decisions and seem to repeat mistakes. I'm not just talking about Grey's anymore. Most drama shows are like that. The more seasons the show runs, the more likely the character is to repeat the same mistakes from the pilot episode. It can be frustrating to watch.
This week in Houston, I learned a new song written by the worship leader, Will Taylor. The lyrics got to me. I could not get it out of my head and either could the others on the trip. The song starts out. "This is not about me, this is not about me, Jesus You are the King, Without You I am nothing". Honestly, at first I thought it was going to be a cheesy song. "Father forgive me, I am full of excuses. I want my walk to have consistency...I want my life with You to have integrity." When we started singing those lyrics, my heart started to really listen to the words I was saying. Then the part that got to me... "I am an adulterous, faithless bride, Yet you love me still...forgive me for saying I love You then running away; For singing and praying to You, then worshiping me"
The song touched me for a lot of reasons. I just finished reading Francine Rivers Redeeming Love, which is a retelling of Hosea. Until I sung those song lyrics, I was not really sure how Gomer's situation applied to me. I am like a character from the an over-dramatic TV show. If you were watching my life, you would be screaming and throwing your pillow at the TV. Really, the same sin again? Yes, really. I used to be that silly girl from the horror movies that walks right toward the killer because she is to naive to know danger is behind the door. At least I am not that girl anymore. Right? I am now the girl who knows my mistakes and repeats them, a little less extreme each time but same mistake and same sin. Maybe that girl deserves a few more pillows thrown then the horror-film girl?
The funny thing about real life is that there will always be "dramatic irony". Only God knows the entire picture. He sees things I don't. He also sees me making the same mistakes over and over again. He sees me opening up the door even though I know danger lurks behind and I should flee. He sees me chasing after things I know are wrong, but chasing anyway. He sees me relive pain over and over again because I didn't learn the first time. He doesn't yell or throw pillows. He loves me still. Why? How could Hosea love Gomer? How could God forgive again and again? Especially knowing that I will never get it perfectly. That is love. I have no idea what the big picture of my life looks like, but so far it would make one frustrating TV show! Just like the song lyrics, I am the girl who sings and prays to Him, but worships my way of doing things. I am so full of excuses. I don't want my life to be an ABC Family Seventh-Heaven spin-off, but it’s about time I listen to God's direction and learn from the past.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Trials or Consequences?
**warning...this is the longest blog every. sorry. i wrote this for me, not really anyone else. feel free to read it, but no hard feelings if you can't make it through all my thoughts**
Trials and tribulations. I love turning to the book of James during hard times. I cling to the hope that trials will grow my faith. What I am about to write is something that God has been teaching me and I have been sorting out in my head. Since this is a blog and the world can see, the details will be spared so as not to gossip, but here is what I am sorting out in my head. If I have points that don't fit scripture, please call me out on it. I am still learning so much about this.
A few years back, I went through some really hard times. I even decided to write a paper for class about sin and suffering because of it, partly because I wanted to see what God's word said on the topic and partly because I had never previously studied the book of Job. Every time I read the book, I find myself so annoyed by his friends. I am tempted to skip over those chapters and get to Chapter 38 where God starts to talk. I think what annoys me the most is that his friends say that his trials were because of sin. The book of Job opens with a rather unusual conversation between Satan and God. It is revealed that Job is in a trial. Job continued to praise God and even asks, "Have I sinned?"(Ch 7). I have no idea what his tone is like during all of this but scripture is clear that Job did not sin in this and is not suffering a consequence of his sin but a trial, which ultimately grows his faith. In a society where suffering was viewed as a direct result of sin, I could see why this would be a hard concept to grasp. (See John 9:2 for a direct example, though there are tons of others).
Our society (or maybe its just me) is the opposite. I don't usually have a problem thinking trials will grow my faith. I don't have friends telling me my trials are because of various sins. My friends are quick to quote James to me. I do the same for others. My problem is the opposite. I am quick to believe that every time things get hard God is testing me. I get on my knees and ask for a peace, patience and growth. I have gone through a few difficult times where no matter how much I prayed neither peace nor patience came. I grew further from the Lord in my trial. How? Lack of faith in His plan? Not really.
Here is my error. Not everything bad that happens is because God is 'testing us'. Yes, God can use suffering to grow us. Somewhere along the line I got the idea in my head that confession of sin meant freedom from consequences of that sin. I find no support for that in His word.
Here are a few examples. The least personal right now is only understandable if you know me well. Basically, because of health issues, if I eat too much protein I tend to get depressed. Right now, I am struggling with deep mood swings...severe depression. Why? Because I ate too much protein last week. Why? Because I was enjoying myself on vacation. To claim innocence (like Job was truly able to claim) would be wrong. I have been through this many times and I know I am suffering a consequence of my sin. That has become easy for me to see. I know to confess and ask God to help me get back on track. I also know that when I turn to Him he helps me get through the time with minimal drama. (Didn't really ask Him soon enough this weekend...sorry if you saw any of my crazy mood swings). He does not remove the consequence though.
Another situation was much more difficult. I want to leave out details so its not gossip, but here are the basics. I had great friends and was working with youth at my church and was so blessed. Suddenly, things all started to go wrong. Friendships started to grow apart and my ministry at church disappeared slowly, then one day was taken away completely. Why? I assumed Satan must be 'attacking' me because of my faithfulness. Maybe, but after YEARS of a downward spiral, I finally realized something. I was so prideful. I had come to rely on friends, not God. I thought I was God's gift to youth ministry. The more I struggled, the more people told me I was innocent. When I was convicted of any sin, instead of accepting the consequences, I decided that I had already confessed the sin and so the current suffering must be unrelated, perhaps the sin of others. I grew further away from God. I was completely unable to form friendships. Now 4 years after college I look back and realize that though more mature, I am not nearly as intimate with God as I used to be. I grew apart from God because I would not realize my sin in the situation. Every time God started to convict me, I would listen to a friend’s wrong advice or cling to scripture like Job without realizing how different our situations were. Friends were just trying to comfort, but I have learned its dangerous to offer 'truth' and 'advice' when you haven't really prayed about what God wants you to say (Like Job's friends did, only that was the complete opposite situation). Once I finally got on my knees and realized the suffering was a result of some very specific selfish and prideful things I did and said, I was able to see things from His view. I could make a long list of things some friends and church members did very wrong as well. I am not responsible for convicting them though. It was only after I let the 'blaming' disappear and confessed my own sin that I was able to grow close to Him again. The consequences of sin 4 years ago still affect parts of my life today. I humbly continue to try to rely on Him to put things back together.
Right now, I have some friendship problems because of sin I have not dealt with. I am repeating the same silly situation that happened to me a few months ago, and a year ago. I am convicted every so often, cry some tears and get on my knees and want all to be fixed. The results of some horrible things I did and said are still there. Instead of asking God to help me work through those struggles I created, I let myself believe others words...the biggest lie being that my struggle is now because of actions of others in my life. I know EXACTLY what situation caused these struggles I am having. I know the sin. No, the sin is not still going on, but I need to face the truth...God is allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions. When I deny that, I refuse to let God humble me and therefore fall into sin again.
Where did I ever get the idea that confession of sin means no consequences for actions? I have no idea. Maybe it’s just me that struggles with it. I would love to grow so that in any suffering, I automatically ask Him to search my heart and point out any sin in me (Ps 139:23-24). When I can humble respond like that, then I can allow him to use those types of trials to also grow my faith.
Trials and tribulations. I love turning to the book of James during hard times. I cling to the hope that trials will grow my faith. What I am about to write is something that God has been teaching me and I have been sorting out in my head. Since this is a blog and the world can see, the details will be spared so as not to gossip, but here is what I am sorting out in my head. If I have points that don't fit scripture, please call me out on it. I am still learning so much about this.
A few years back, I went through some really hard times. I even decided to write a paper for class about sin and suffering because of it, partly because I wanted to see what God's word said on the topic and partly because I had never previously studied the book of Job. Every time I read the book, I find myself so annoyed by his friends. I am tempted to skip over those chapters and get to Chapter 38 where God starts to talk. I think what annoys me the most is that his friends say that his trials were because of sin. The book of Job opens with a rather unusual conversation between Satan and God. It is revealed that Job is in a trial. Job continued to praise God and even asks, "Have I sinned?"(Ch 7). I have no idea what his tone is like during all of this but scripture is clear that Job did not sin in this and is not suffering a consequence of his sin but a trial, which ultimately grows his faith. In a society where suffering was viewed as a direct result of sin, I could see why this would be a hard concept to grasp. (See John 9:2 for a direct example, though there are tons of others).
Our society (or maybe its just me) is the opposite. I don't usually have a problem thinking trials will grow my faith. I don't have friends telling me my trials are because of various sins. My friends are quick to quote James to me. I do the same for others. My problem is the opposite. I am quick to believe that every time things get hard God is testing me. I get on my knees and ask for a peace, patience and growth. I have gone through a few difficult times where no matter how much I prayed neither peace nor patience came. I grew further from the Lord in my trial. How? Lack of faith in His plan? Not really.
Here is my error. Not everything bad that happens is because God is 'testing us'. Yes, God can use suffering to grow us. Somewhere along the line I got the idea in my head that confession of sin meant freedom from consequences of that sin. I find no support for that in His word.
Here are a few examples. The least personal right now is only understandable if you know me well. Basically, because of health issues, if I eat too much protein I tend to get depressed. Right now, I am struggling with deep mood swings...severe depression. Why? Because I ate too much protein last week. Why? Because I was enjoying myself on vacation. To claim innocence (like Job was truly able to claim) would be wrong. I have been through this many times and I know I am suffering a consequence of my sin. That has become easy for me to see. I know to confess and ask God to help me get back on track. I also know that when I turn to Him he helps me get through the time with minimal drama. (Didn't really ask Him soon enough this weekend...sorry if you saw any of my crazy mood swings). He does not remove the consequence though.
Another situation was much more difficult. I want to leave out details so its not gossip, but here are the basics. I had great friends and was working with youth at my church and was so blessed. Suddenly, things all started to go wrong. Friendships started to grow apart and my ministry at church disappeared slowly, then one day was taken away completely. Why? I assumed Satan must be 'attacking' me because of my faithfulness. Maybe, but after YEARS of a downward spiral, I finally realized something. I was so prideful. I had come to rely on friends, not God. I thought I was God's gift to youth ministry. The more I struggled, the more people told me I was innocent. When I was convicted of any sin, instead of accepting the consequences, I decided that I had already confessed the sin and so the current suffering must be unrelated, perhaps the sin of others. I grew further away from God. I was completely unable to form friendships. Now 4 years after college I look back and realize that though more mature, I am not nearly as intimate with God as I used to be. I grew apart from God because I would not realize my sin in the situation. Every time God started to convict me, I would listen to a friend’s wrong advice or cling to scripture like Job without realizing how different our situations were. Friends were just trying to comfort, but I have learned its dangerous to offer 'truth' and 'advice' when you haven't really prayed about what God wants you to say (Like Job's friends did, only that was the complete opposite situation). Once I finally got on my knees and realized the suffering was a result of some very specific selfish and prideful things I did and said, I was able to see things from His view. I could make a long list of things some friends and church members did very wrong as well. I am not responsible for convicting them though. It was only after I let the 'blaming' disappear and confessed my own sin that I was able to grow close to Him again. The consequences of sin 4 years ago still affect parts of my life today. I humbly continue to try to rely on Him to put things back together.
Right now, I have some friendship problems because of sin I have not dealt with. I am repeating the same silly situation that happened to me a few months ago, and a year ago. I am convicted every so often, cry some tears and get on my knees and want all to be fixed. The results of some horrible things I did and said are still there. Instead of asking God to help me work through those struggles I created, I let myself believe others words...the biggest lie being that my struggle is now because of actions of others in my life. I know EXACTLY what situation caused these struggles I am having. I know the sin. No, the sin is not still going on, but I need to face the truth...God is allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions. When I deny that, I refuse to let God humble me and therefore fall into sin again.
Where did I ever get the idea that confession of sin means no consequences for actions? I have no idea. Maybe it’s just me that struggles with it. I would love to grow so that in any suffering, I automatically ask Him to search my heart and point out any sin in me (Ps 139:23-24). When I can humble respond like that, then I can allow him to use those types of trials to also grow my faith.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
You are a winner...
My school has a lovely song we sing to our students. By lovely, I mean really cheesy. The lyrics say "Winner, looking at a winner. And I like what I see...You are a winner... (point to students and repeat A LOT)." There is a lot more to the song, but you get the point. It is supposed to be sung every month at our 'pep rallies' aka Winner's Circle. The students hated singing it so much that we decided to cut it out of the monthly meetings. But tonight at graduation the students, friends and family were dancing and singing and having a blast with the song. The lyrics were still the same, but the meaning was different. For some, they celebrated the first person to ever finish high school in their family. For others it was a celebration of overcoming a drug addiction or gang involvement enough to successfully finish school. For others it was a step in the right direction to be able to support their young children.
Most graduations you have those one or two families who yell and scream and make fools of themselves. At our graduation, all the people in the room yell and scream and dance in the isles. The fools are the families who quietly clap.
I grew up in a neighborhood where teenagers were expected to finish school and go to college. It was a huge let down if someone didn't go to a 'real' college but instead a community college. Everyone was expected to go somewhere and very few people let their families down. I was expected to get a degree and get a middle class job. And I did. I lived up to my family and friends' expectations.
Most my students' families also had expectations. Many of the girls are expected to get pregnant before they're 16, and they do. Many of the boys (and some girls) are expected to get so heavily involved in drugs or gangs that they drop out of school, and they do. Some of those same students see no point to school because they expect to be killed before they reach 30. Many of my students expect no one to care if they stop coming to classes, and no one does. Sometimes their previous schools take a year to figure out they have dropped out and only then is truancy filed. Their parents (if they even have parents in their life still) could care less. My students live up to the expectations set on them.
My job is not perfect. It is so stressful. My students fail so many times. But tonight I was reminded why it is worth the dedication. A little over 60 students EXCEEDED expectations. They managed to finish school, some of them with no one encouraging them along the way. No students should be more proud then these students. Tonight I saw pride in the faces of students who never thought they could succeed. I saw their hope of a better life. Some will go on to 4-year colleges, some the community college, and some trade schools. Others will work hard at the jobs they can get to support their families.
Over 50% of my students failed English 1 or 2 this last term. It’s very discouraging. In a year, over half those failed students will have completely dropped out of school. But the others will rise to the expectations I placed on them in my class. I can't wait to see those students walk across that stage. Most will probably not remember me in a few years, but I am so blessed to be a small part of their success. They have overcome obstacles I could not even imagine facing. And that is why I can sing the cheesy song with tears in my eyes...they truly are winners.
Most graduations you have those one or two families who yell and scream and make fools of themselves. At our graduation, all the people in the room yell and scream and dance in the isles. The fools are the families who quietly clap.
I grew up in a neighborhood where teenagers were expected to finish school and go to college. It was a huge let down if someone didn't go to a 'real' college but instead a community college. Everyone was expected to go somewhere and very few people let their families down. I was expected to get a degree and get a middle class job. And I did. I lived up to my family and friends' expectations.
Most my students' families also had expectations. Many of the girls are expected to get pregnant before they're 16, and they do. Many of the boys (and some girls) are expected to get so heavily involved in drugs or gangs that they drop out of school, and they do. Some of those same students see no point to school because they expect to be killed before they reach 30. Many of my students expect no one to care if they stop coming to classes, and no one does. Sometimes their previous schools take a year to figure out they have dropped out and only then is truancy filed. Their parents (if they even have parents in their life still) could care less. My students live up to the expectations set on them.
My job is not perfect. It is so stressful. My students fail so many times. But tonight I was reminded why it is worth the dedication. A little over 60 students EXCEEDED expectations. They managed to finish school, some of them with no one encouraging them along the way. No students should be more proud then these students. Tonight I saw pride in the faces of students who never thought they could succeed. I saw their hope of a better life. Some will go on to 4-year colleges, some the community college, and some trade schools. Others will work hard at the jobs they can get to support their families.
Over 50% of my students failed English 1 or 2 this last term. It’s very discouraging. In a year, over half those failed students will have completely dropped out of school. But the others will rise to the expectations I placed on them in my class. I can't wait to see those students walk across that stage. Most will probably not remember me in a few years, but I am so blessed to be a small part of their success. They have overcome obstacles I could not even imagine facing. And that is why I can sing the cheesy song with tears in my eyes...they truly are winners.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Diligence
Today I received a call from a strange number. Because I was in the middle of training for work, I did not answer. Instead, I waited for the first break and anxiously dialed my voicemail. Who could it be? I always get so excited about strange numbers. Very odd of me because I am not sure who I would be expecting that could possibly be worthy of my excitement. This call was definitely not worthy. "Hi this is Kendall your trainer from the YMCA. I noticed you canceled our appointment last month and I have not seen you since. I was wondering if you want to reschedule". Yikes. Excuses went running through my head. I canceled the appointment in April because I had a DNOW that came up last minute. Very worthy cause. Then because I was at DNOW all weekend, I had to catch up on sleep that week, so I didn't work out. Finally I was caught up on sleep but behind on work; I had to stay late to grade papers. Besides, I was out of town during the weekend. Then I had to spend that week unpacking and doing laundry. The next weekend I got to sleep in because I earned it (How did I earn it? I woke up early on the Saturday I was out of town. Everyone knows if you wake up early one weekend you automatically earn the right to sleep in ridiculously late the next weekend.) And then I was sick for an entire week. So there you go Kendall. That is why you have not seen me.
Isn't it amazing how easy it is to fall out of a habit? I was doing so great with working out - every Tues, Thur and Sat. for two months. There was never any problem. I was just as busy as I am now. I had a legitimate reason for not going that first Saturday (It would have been odd to wake up at a DNOW and drive 45 minutes to my gym and back again before beginning the days lessons, am I right?) However, the excuses just came pouring in after that. All of them are valid concerns and struggles. It took so long to build the habit, and now it’s not even a thought in the back of my head.
Working out is healthy, but not essential for me right now. Unfortunately, this problem is not limited to the YMCA. It’s amazing how just one mistake can send me in a downward spiral. I was sick the last two weeks, unable-to-function sick. I could not hold my pen to journal. I remember crying out many prayers for healing, but not prayers for others. I am sure God will understand. Then I start to feel a little better, but I still feel a little ill, so perhaps no Bible reading tonight. Then I start to feel completely better, but its May and I haven't picked out what I want to read for this month yet. I will pick it out tomorrow, or the next night, or...oh my goodness its already May 10!
My youth Bible study Wed. night, my peer Bible study Wed. night, and the singles Bible study tonight ALL were about 2 Peter 1. After careful consideration, I decided perhaps God was trying to teach me something :) As I am working on memorizing verses 5-9, I am stuck on the word diligence. I wish I had the Greek, but I don't so for now dictinary.com will have to do. (If you know the Greek, please share). Diligence means a constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind. His grace is so amazing, and because of His grace, I should be seeking moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love. I am not even sure I grasp the meaning of all those characteristics, but I do know I am not diligently seeking anything. Peter goes on to say that he who lacks these qualities has forgotten his purification from sin. I would never want to admit that, but when I fail to seek Him, I am doing that very thing.
Excuses may work for the YMCA (though Kendall might disagree). They obviously won't cut it for God. I am either diligently seeking Him or I am forgetting His grace.
Isn't it amazing how easy it is to fall out of a habit? I was doing so great with working out - every Tues, Thur and Sat. for two months. There was never any problem. I was just as busy as I am now. I had a legitimate reason for not going that first Saturday (It would have been odd to wake up at a DNOW and drive 45 minutes to my gym and back again before beginning the days lessons, am I right?) However, the excuses just came pouring in after that. All of them are valid concerns and struggles. It took so long to build the habit, and now it’s not even a thought in the back of my head.
Working out is healthy, but not essential for me right now. Unfortunately, this problem is not limited to the YMCA. It’s amazing how just one mistake can send me in a downward spiral. I was sick the last two weeks, unable-to-function sick. I could not hold my pen to journal. I remember crying out many prayers for healing, but not prayers for others. I am sure God will understand. Then I start to feel a little better, but I still feel a little ill, so perhaps no Bible reading tonight. Then I start to feel completely better, but its May and I haven't picked out what I want to read for this month yet. I will pick it out tomorrow, or the next night, or...oh my goodness its already May 10!
My youth Bible study Wed. night, my peer Bible study Wed. night, and the singles Bible study tonight ALL were about 2 Peter 1. After careful consideration, I decided perhaps God was trying to teach me something :) As I am working on memorizing verses 5-9, I am stuck on the word diligence. I wish I had the Greek, but I don't so for now dictinary.com will have to do. (If you know the Greek, please share). Diligence means a constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind. His grace is so amazing, and because of His grace, I should be seeking moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love. I am not even sure I grasp the meaning of all those characteristics, but I do know I am not diligently seeking anything. Peter goes on to say that he who lacks these qualities has forgotten his purification from sin. I would never want to admit that, but when I fail to seek Him, I am doing that very thing.
Excuses may work for the YMCA (though Kendall might disagree). They obviously won't cut it for God. I am either diligently seeking Him or I am forgetting His grace.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Disappointment
My latest major disappointment? Spider-Man 3. No, this is not a movie review. Keep reading.
The Spider-Man movies have been some of my favorites. I grew up watching the cartoon with my brother Saturday mornings.
The first two movies lived up to my expectations. This last one had a bit too much. Too many villains too little time to develop their characters. I knew in my head how the story was supposed to go. I left the theater entertained, but a bit disappointed. What I had conjured up in my head was so much more amazing. (What's that? This is sounding like a movie review? I told you its not. No, it’s actually about God. Confused yet?)
I was lying in bed last night thinking. If I had not spent so much time thinking about the movie, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Now I am not a nerd; I did not spend hours on end thinking about Peter Parker, but I wasted time anticipating the movie. Everything I imagined it being in my head set the movie up to disappoint me.
As I was pondering this thought in those moments in between asleep and awake, God twisted my thoughts to Him.* How often do I sit and imagine my future? Sometimes its worry. Sometimes its just daydreaming: My future job; My future spouse; My future home. I even spend time imagining my next days, hours, and even the future that is only a few minutes ahead. What a waste of time! I have all these expectations in my mind. When I get a specific idea in my head of what I want tomorrow to look like, I theoretically set God up to disappoint me.
But He never has! Not once. I remember when my whole world was high school. I tried to picture what college would be like. College was so much more fun than I would have ever thought. I know have imagined up some pretty amazing jobs for my future. My favorite was working with youth in New York City. I told anyone and everyone I was going there. (Hmm, James 4:13-15 maybe would have helped there!) I work at a school for at-risk teenagers in River Oaks, TX. Have you even heard of River Oaks? Let's just say its no NYC. And I teach English. I distinctly remember telling my journalism advisors on more than one occasion that I would not make my second teaching field English. I refused. I NEVER wanted to teach English. Yep, God, You're funny sometimes. :)
I can spend hours daydreaming about my ideal job, man, house, or family. God is more amazing then my feeble mind. I would have never thought up my current job, but its perfect for right now. And the ideal man...ok still waiting for that one...but since God is better than my daydreams this one will be a good one :)
The point is this - Why even daydream? What a waste of time! I started thinking about the thing I have probably spent the most time in my life daydreaming about - my future spouse. I am a normal girl, so I don't think I spend more than the average girl thinking about it. Let's say that since I was 16 or so I spend about 5 minutes a day daydreaming about a guy. (Its probably more like 3 hours a day during those times I had crushes and no time at all in those few in between crush-free phases). Ten years later that is 12 days of my life wasted. I am pretty sure whatever type of guy I was daydreaming about at 16 isn't really applicable to what I want now. I know there are countless other things I spent at least 5 minutes a day daydreaming about. I could have spent that time doing something much more eternally significant. Even now, whatever type of guy I am daydreaming about, after much personal growth and maturity, still probably isn't exactly what God knows I need. The same can be said about my future job, home, and children.
So what then should I do instead? While reading Romans 5, God really pointed something out to me. Verse 5 says "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I am not a take-the-scripture-out-of-context kind of girl. It would be easy to say that this means if I hope that God will send me a man, He sure will. If I hope for NYC, I will get there. Not quite. Verse 2 explains that the hope is in the Glory of God. If I hope that I will glorify God with my life, He will send me the ways to do that. Right now, He has sent me a great job. If He wants me to glorify Him through a family, He will not disappoint me - He will send the man and later the children.
My response instead of daydreaming? Praise for what He has done, and prayer for what He will do. What if instead of daydreaming, I had spent 12 days in prayer over the last 10 years? Regret, ironically, would be a waste of time. Change is the only option.
*and yes I really did have ALL these thoughts when I was only partially awake :)
The Spider-Man movies have been some of my favorites. I grew up watching the cartoon with my brother Saturday mornings.
The first two movies lived up to my expectations. This last one had a bit too much. Too many villains too little time to develop their characters. I knew in my head how the story was supposed to go. I left the theater entertained, but a bit disappointed. What I had conjured up in my head was so much more amazing. (What's that? This is sounding like a movie review? I told you its not. No, it’s actually about God. Confused yet?)
I was lying in bed last night thinking. If I had not spent so much time thinking about the movie, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Now I am not a nerd; I did not spend hours on end thinking about Peter Parker, but I wasted time anticipating the movie. Everything I imagined it being in my head set the movie up to disappoint me.
As I was pondering this thought in those moments in between asleep and awake, God twisted my thoughts to Him.* How often do I sit and imagine my future? Sometimes its worry. Sometimes its just daydreaming: My future job; My future spouse; My future home. I even spend time imagining my next days, hours, and even the future that is only a few minutes ahead. What a waste of time! I have all these expectations in my mind. When I get a specific idea in my head of what I want tomorrow to look like, I theoretically set God up to disappoint me.
But He never has! Not once. I remember when my whole world was high school. I tried to picture what college would be like. College was so much more fun than I would have ever thought. I know have imagined up some pretty amazing jobs for my future. My favorite was working with youth in New York City. I told anyone and everyone I was going there. (Hmm, James 4:13-15 maybe would have helped there!) I work at a school for at-risk teenagers in River Oaks, TX. Have you even heard of River Oaks? Let's just say its no NYC. And I teach English. I distinctly remember telling my journalism advisors on more than one occasion that I would not make my second teaching field English. I refused. I NEVER wanted to teach English. Yep, God, You're funny sometimes. :)
I can spend hours daydreaming about my ideal job, man, house, or family. God is more amazing then my feeble mind. I would have never thought up my current job, but its perfect for right now. And the ideal man...ok still waiting for that one...but since God is better than my daydreams this one will be a good one :)
The point is this - Why even daydream? What a waste of time! I started thinking about the thing I have probably spent the most time in my life daydreaming about - my future spouse. I am a normal girl, so I don't think I spend more than the average girl thinking about it. Let's say that since I was 16 or so I spend about 5 minutes a day daydreaming about a guy. (Its probably more like 3 hours a day during those times I had crushes and no time at all in those few in between crush-free phases). Ten years later that is 12 days of my life wasted. I am pretty sure whatever type of guy I was daydreaming about at 16 isn't really applicable to what I want now. I know there are countless other things I spent at least 5 minutes a day daydreaming about. I could have spent that time doing something much more eternally significant. Even now, whatever type of guy I am daydreaming about, after much personal growth and maturity, still probably isn't exactly what God knows I need. The same can be said about my future job, home, and children.
So what then should I do instead? While reading Romans 5, God really pointed something out to me. Verse 5 says "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I am not a take-the-scripture-out-of-context kind of girl. It would be easy to say that this means if I hope that God will send me a man, He sure will. If I hope for NYC, I will get there. Not quite. Verse 2 explains that the hope is in the Glory of God. If I hope that I will glorify God with my life, He will send me the ways to do that. Right now, He has sent me a great job. If He wants me to glorify Him through a family, He will not disappoint me - He will send the man and later the children.
My response instead of daydreaming? Praise for what He has done, and prayer for what He will do. What if instead of daydreaming, I had spent 12 days in prayer over the last 10 years? Regret, ironically, would be a waste of time. Change is the only option.
*and yes I really did have ALL these thoughts when I was only partially awake :)
Monday, April 23, 2007
The Pseudo-Boyfriend and the girls who love him
On this side of 25 I have noticed a new phenomenon sweeping across the single Christian late twenty somethings. Married friends, you will not be able to relate, but read and praise the Lord that you were saved from the pseudo-life. Let me explain.
Pseudo-Boyfriend (soo-doh-boi-frend)* -n. a man who wants to be 'just friends' first with all the benefits of a girlfriend (either physical or emotional) without commitment. (*this can go the other way as well...the pseudo-girlfriend does exist boys! be careful!)
The idea is that its better to be friends first, and then see what happens (or in the Christian lingo, see where God leads it).
Great in theory. But the reality that most my friends live in is this: all the emotional time commitment of a girlfriend only until the 'real' girlfriend comes along. God is not leading, but the lonely selfish heart takes over.
Are you mad because you think I wrote this blog about you? I wrote this blog about ME and about 15 others I know.
No one is going to assume I am writing about you.
Girls everywhere are spending hours on the phone with these pseudo-men. They cling to the hope of something more. The guys want to start off with friendship. Or maybe they want to start that way? But what does that mean? Friendship does not mean answering the phone each time he calls no matter what. Friendship does not mean baking him cookies anytime he wants. Friendship does not mean cuddling with him during movies.
Now guys, this can be reversed. I confess I have been a pseudo-girlfriend to a few guys in the past. I let guys buy me dinner and drive me places because I just did not want to drive. I have spent hours talking to guys I was not interested in just so I would have someone to talk to. I have been on both sides. But the lesson has been learned. Below are the things every single needs to know. Feel free to add your own comments.
How NOT to have a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are interested in someone, do what you do to flirt for a while but if they do not ask you out in a few weeks then BACK OFF the deep conversations. They just want someone to listen and be there for them while they are single. If you back off and they miss you, then they will catch on and make a move if they were interested. Do NOT let them use you as a counselor or sounding board. Save your cell phone minutes for those who are worthy.
2. There is no need to bake cookies, buy food, or drive someone to the airport with just you and that other person. Make cookies for a group. Bring people a long on the airport ride. And for goodness sake boys, save your dollars for those real dates you will go on later in life.
3. If you are not sure (s)he is interested, find a way to ask. Do NOT play games. We are not in middle school. DTRs are wonderful (defining the relationship talks). Once the DTR happens, you will either be dating or not dating. If you decide to date, good for you. If (s)he says (s)he is not certain what they want in a relationship, then back off. You do not want to be second choice or the back-up person. You deserve so much better.
How NOT to BE a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are not interested in someone, there is NO need to spend long hours in deep emotional conversation, EVER. You can be friends without talking every night until the sunrises. Even if you think (s)he is not interested, it is not ok. Keep conversation to normal lengths (less than 1 hour of one-on-one) and normal frequency (not every day for hours...that’s crazy).
2. Do NOT let someone you are not interested in buy or bake you anything. Do NOT make it a habit to ride in the car with them one on one.
3. If you are not sure if you are interested, then you are NOT interested. Do NOT pretend to be just to see what happens.
Pseudo-Boyfriend (soo-doh-boi-frend)* -n. a man who wants to be 'just friends' first with all the benefits of a girlfriend (either physical or emotional) without commitment. (*this can go the other way as well...the pseudo-girlfriend does exist boys! be careful!)
The idea is that its better to be friends first, and then see what happens (or in the Christian lingo, see where God leads it).
Great in theory. But the reality that most my friends live in is this: all the emotional time commitment of a girlfriend only until the 'real' girlfriend comes along. God is not leading, but the lonely selfish heart takes over.
Are you mad because you think I wrote this blog about you? I wrote this blog about ME and about 15 others I know.
No one is going to assume I am writing about you.
Girls everywhere are spending hours on the phone with these pseudo-men. They cling to the hope of something more. The guys want to start off with friendship. Or maybe they want to start that way? But what does that mean? Friendship does not mean answering the phone each time he calls no matter what. Friendship does not mean baking him cookies anytime he wants. Friendship does not mean cuddling with him during movies.
Now guys, this can be reversed. I confess I have been a pseudo-girlfriend to a few guys in the past. I let guys buy me dinner and drive me places because I just did not want to drive. I have spent hours talking to guys I was not interested in just so I would have someone to talk to. I have been on both sides. But the lesson has been learned. Below are the things every single needs to know. Feel free to add your own comments.
How NOT to have a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are interested in someone, do what you do to flirt for a while but if they do not ask you out in a few weeks then BACK OFF the deep conversations. They just want someone to listen and be there for them while they are single. If you back off and they miss you, then they will catch on and make a move if they were interested. Do NOT let them use you as a counselor or sounding board. Save your cell phone minutes for those who are worthy.
2. There is no need to bake cookies, buy food, or drive someone to the airport with just you and that other person. Make cookies for a group. Bring people a long on the airport ride. And for goodness sake boys, save your dollars for those real dates you will go on later in life.
3. If you are not sure (s)he is interested, find a way to ask. Do NOT play games. We are not in middle school. DTRs are wonderful (defining the relationship talks). Once the DTR happens, you will either be dating or not dating. If you decide to date, good for you. If (s)he says (s)he is not certain what they want in a relationship, then back off. You do not want to be second choice or the back-up person. You deserve so much better.
How NOT to BE a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are not interested in someone, there is NO need to spend long hours in deep emotional conversation, EVER. You can be friends without talking every night until the sunrises. Even if you think (s)he is not interested, it is not ok. Keep conversation to normal lengths (less than 1 hour of one-on-one) and normal frequency (not every day for hours...that’s crazy).
2. Do NOT let someone you are not interested in buy or bake you anything. Do NOT make it a habit to ride in the car with them one on one.
3. If you are not sure if you are interested, then you are NOT interested. Do NOT pretend to be just to see what happens.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
You snooze, you lose!
I have many roles at my work. One of my least favorites is that of the cheerleader. My coworker and I are in charge of leading our apathetic homeroom in a motivating cheer..."you snooze, you lose". Talk about hypocrisy. I lose.
Every day, I am a slave to my alarm clock. I am trapped in a cycle of 'snoozes'. I have NO control over how many times I push the dreaded snooze button. What's that you say? Try setting more than one alarm? I have three alarms: the cell phone, the one the nightstand, and the one in the bathroom that requires a long walk to reach. The cell phone...I forget I have it. I turn the alarm off without even noticing. In fact, the only time I notice the alarm is the rare occasion that I am off work on a weekday; the automatic M-F alarm is unwelcome on those 3-day weekends. The one on the nightstand...it rings for 20-30 minutes before I even hear it. Sometimes I don't even push snooze, but keep sleeping while it’s ringing. It doesn't bother me at all. The one in the bathroom that requires the long walk...I manage to make the walk about 3-4 times every morning (aka 27-36 minutes in snooze time). It is an extra loud alarm I bought in college. I hate to think how mornings are for the neighbor who unfortunately shares the wall with me. The alarms begin at 5:55am and I usually wake up between 6:45 and 7:10. I leave for work at 7:10 (or at least I should)
So I should stop whining and get my sleep-deprived self to bed earlier, right? Doesn't help. If I go to bed at 1am, I snooze for about an hour. If I go to bed at 9, I snooze for about an hour. If my alarm rings at noon after a 10-hour night of sleep, I snooze for an hour. If I wake up naturally but accidentally forget to turn my alarm off, I start snoozing and fall back asleep for about an hour. In between the alarms, during that dreaded 'snooze' time, I even dream about all the things I could be doing: read my bible, read the newspaper, iron my clothes, make myself look pretty. Dream as I do, the fact remains, no matter what I do, I always snooze. Every morning, I lose.
Every day, I am a slave to my alarm clock. I am trapped in a cycle of 'snoozes'. I have NO control over how many times I push the dreaded snooze button. What's that you say? Try setting more than one alarm? I have three alarms: the cell phone, the one the nightstand, and the one in the bathroom that requires a long walk to reach. The cell phone...I forget I have it. I turn the alarm off without even noticing. In fact, the only time I notice the alarm is the rare occasion that I am off work on a weekday; the automatic M-F alarm is unwelcome on those 3-day weekends. The one on the nightstand...it rings for 20-30 minutes before I even hear it. Sometimes I don't even push snooze, but keep sleeping while it’s ringing. It doesn't bother me at all. The one in the bathroom that requires the long walk...I manage to make the walk about 3-4 times every morning (aka 27-36 minutes in snooze time). It is an extra loud alarm I bought in college. I hate to think how mornings are for the neighbor who unfortunately shares the wall with me. The alarms begin at 5:55am and I usually wake up between 6:45 and 7:10. I leave for work at 7:10 (or at least I should)
So I should stop whining and get my sleep-deprived self to bed earlier, right? Doesn't help. If I go to bed at 1am, I snooze for about an hour. If I go to bed at 9, I snooze for about an hour. If my alarm rings at noon after a 10-hour night of sleep, I snooze for an hour. If I wake up naturally but accidentally forget to turn my alarm off, I start snoozing and fall back asleep for about an hour. In between the alarms, during that dreaded 'snooze' time, I even dream about all the things I could be doing: read my bible, read the newspaper, iron my clothes, make myself look pretty. Dream as I do, the fact remains, no matter what I do, I always snooze. Every morning, I lose.
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