Trials or Consequences?

**warning...this is the longest blog every. sorry. i wrote this for me, not really anyone else. feel free to read it, but no hard feelings if you can't make it through all my thoughts**

Trials and tribulations. I love turning to the book of James during hard times. I cling to the hope that trials will grow my faith. What I am about to write is something that God has been teaching me and I have been sorting out in my head. Since this is a blog and the world can see, the details will be spared so as not to gossip, but here is what I am sorting out in my head. If I have points that don't fit scripture, please call me out on it. I am still learning so much about this.

A few years back, I went through some really hard times. I even decided to write a paper for class about sin and suffering because of it, partly because I wanted to see what God's word said on the topic and partly because I had never previously studied the book of Job. Every time I read the book, I find myself so annoyed by his friends. I am tempted to skip over those chapters and get to Chapter 38 where God starts to talk. I think what annoys me the most is that his friends say that his trials were because of sin. The book of Job opens with a rather unusual conversation between Satan and God. It is revealed that Job is in a trial. Job continued to praise God and even asks, "Have I sinned?"(Ch 7). I have no idea what his tone is like during all of this but scripture is clear that Job did not sin in this and is not suffering a consequence of his sin but a trial, which ultimately grows his faith. In a society where suffering was viewed as a direct result of sin, I could see why this would be a hard concept to grasp. (See John 9:2 for a direct example, though there are tons of others).

Our society (or maybe its just me) is the opposite. I don't usually have a problem thinking trials will grow my faith. I don't have friends telling me my trials are because of various sins. My friends are quick to quote James to me. I do the same for others. My problem is the opposite. I am quick to believe that every time things get hard God is testing me. I get on my knees and ask for a peace, patience and growth. I have gone through a few difficult times where no matter how much I prayed neither peace nor patience came. I grew further from the Lord in my trial. How? Lack of faith in His plan? Not really.

Here is my error. Not everything bad that happens is because God is 'testing us'. Yes, God can use suffering to grow us. Somewhere along the line I got the idea in my head that confession of sin meant freedom from consequences of that sin. I find no support for that in His word.

Here are a few examples. The least personal right now is only understandable if you know me well. Basically, because of health issues, if I eat too much protein I tend to get depressed. Right now, I am struggling with deep mood swings...severe depression. Why? Because I ate too much protein last week. Why? Because I was enjoying myself on vacation. To claim innocence (like Job was truly able to claim) would be wrong. I have been through this many times and I know I am suffering a consequence of my sin. That has become easy for me to see. I know to confess and ask God to help me get back on track. I also know that when I turn to Him he helps me get through the time with minimal drama. (Didn't really ask Him soon enough this weekend...sorry if you saw any of my crazy mood swings). He does not remove the consequence though.

Another situation was much more difficult. I want to leave out details so its not gossip, but here are the basics. I had great friends and was working with youth at my church and was so blessed. Suddenly, things all started to go wrong. Friendships started to grow apart and my ministry at church disappeared slowly, then one day was taken away completely. Why? I assumed Satan must be 'attacking' me because of my faithfulness. Maybe, but after YEARS of a downward spiral, I finally realized something. I was so prideful. I had come to rely on friends, not God. I thought I was God's gift to youth ministry. The more I struggled, the more people told me I was innocent. When I was convicted of any sin, instead of accepting the consequences, I decided that I had already confessed the sin and so the current suffering must be unrelated, perhaps the sin of others. I grew further away from God. I was completely unable to form friendships. Now 4 years after college I look back and realize that though more mature, I am not nearly as intimate with God as I used to be. I grew apart from God because I would not realize my sin in the situation. Every time God started to convict me, I would listen to a friend’s wrong advice or cling to scripture like Job without realizing how different our situations were. Friends were just trying to comfort, but I have learned its dangerous to offer 'truth' and 'advice' when you haven't really prayed about what God wants you to say (Like Job's friends did, only that was the complete opposite situation). Once I finally got on my knees and realized the suffering was a result of some very specific selfish and prideful things I did and said, I was able to see things from His view. I could make a long list of things some friends and church members did very wrong as well. I am not responsible for convicting them though. It was only after I let the 'blaming' disappear and confessed my own sin that I was able to grow close to Him again. The consequences of sin 4 years ago still affect parts of my life today. I humbly continue to try to rely on Him to put things back together.

Right now, I have some friendship problems because of sin I have not dealt with. I am repeating the same silly situation that happened to me a few months ago, and a year ago. I am convicted every so often, cry some tears and get on my knees and want all to be fixed. The results of some horrible things I did and said are still there. Instead of asking God to help me work through those struggles I created, I let myself believe others words...the biggest lie being that my struggle is now because of actions of others in my life. I know EXACTLY what situation caused these struggles I am having. I know the sin. No, the sin is not still going on, but I need to face the truth...God is allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions. When I deny that, I refuse to let God humble me and therefore fall into sin again.

Where did I ever get the idea that confession of sin means no consequences for actions? I have no idea. Maybe it’s just me that struggles with it. I would love to grow so that in any suffering, I automatically ask Him to search my heart and point out any sin in me (Ps 139:23-24). When I can humble respond like that, then I can allow him to use those types of trials to also grow my faith.