Romania Trip - first few days

Sunday and Monday Dec 26-27
The flights started out eventful already- a 1hr 10 min delay for the flight to Chicago to Germany. Those of you who know me, this is no surprise. Somehow with the help of some encouraging prayers and text messages, I was able to not stress. The long flight was the same as always, filled with movies and not a wink of sleep, as I can never sleep during flight. I did, however, have an amazing view of the moon, a first. It was a half moon with the light reflecting off the wings…relaxing to gaze at while the rest of the cabin slept. When we arrived in Germany, we were late as planned, but should still of had an hour and a half to make our connection. We stood up, eager to stretch. We gathered our bags in the isles, and we stood some more…and kept standing. The “Cherry Picker” for the door was frozen and would not work. No worries, we would use steps out the back. We stood waiting somewhat patiently. The stairs needed to be de-iced first. We waited, and finally the back door opened…only to be closed again. The stairs were attached but were not yet deiced. Finally, somehow the original exit plan succeeded after at least a 30 minute delay. We made it to our gate on time and quickly loaded the bus to board the plane. Boarding went quickly and we sat and waited for them to load our bags…and waited…and waited. I said I cannot sleep during a flight, but apparently I can sleep on a plane- I took about a 45 minute nap while someone took forever loading the plane. I was awoken by the engines as soon as the plane began to move, my only sleep during all the travel. We were now delayed over an hour on what was a little over a 2 hour layover. When we arrived, we had to walk all the way out of the security and back in again at the ticket gate. Somehow, this also meant paying for our extra checked bag fee…again? Annoying. Only after paying were our boarding passes printed and we proceeded on a long walk to our gate at the other end of the airport. We went straight to the bus to board the plane. At this point, I was starving from all the travel. My brilliant father decided that the best way to make my medicine cold was to scoop up a quart size bag full of snow while we waited on the bus…and the ziplock bag was carried on the plane to act as my very own portable fridge. We had a long wait on the plane once again, and I was able to drink some of the coldest medicine I’ve ever had while traveling. Finally we arrived in Cluj, only a little late, and of course, missing one bag- my checked bag. This was no surprise to Emil, an expert at dealing with the Wedgwood team and our various travel issues. It was taken care of quickly and we were off to TM. A warm shower later, I was ready to crawl in to bed, stretching my legs as much as I wanted without the pain of airplane noise.

Tuesday, Dec 28
In the morning we went to a Gypsy village for a short kids program. I was so tired and really just observed more than anything. Dragos led and was great with the kids. It was good to see the village, but a hard start after so little sleep. From there we went to lunch at the LOC houses. The kids were coming in from sledding and were so excited. They chatted about random stuff and met my dad. Gabi took us from there to the baby hospital via bus. Somehow, I was able to fall asleep on the way there and back. It was nice, but now as I sit up writing this, I regret it a bit. The babies were sweet and as always it was heartbreaking to see them stuck in their cribs. Gabi knew each one by name and knew their personalities as well, which was encouraging to see how God was using her there.
She dropped us off at McDonald’s afterward for some fancy fast food. We then changed into warmer clothes to take the LOC kids down to the Center to look at Christmas lights. We saw two Santas (a bit confusing for young kids when there are two right next to each other) and took tons of photos. It was very cold, but a great time to just bond with the kids. We were anxious to get home to warmth and hopefully a good nights sleep before the next long but amazing day began.

Wednesday Dec. 29
Today we ventured out to a village a few hours away to see Maria, the LOC teenager I used to sponsor. She moved away with her boyfriend’s family and her sister and brothers had not seen her in a long time. Two of the staff members, Gabi and Dan, were able to take all of them for a short reunion. We had no idea what to expect from this family she lived with. They were so welcoming. As soon as we walked in, the served us a plate full of cakes and other treats, complete with Coke. We chatted for only a few minutes before her boyfriend offered for my dad to go hunting with him. He was in no way dressed for this (nor a hunter) so he declined but was then asked if he would like to see the guns. The next hour was filled with excitement as the guys posed for pictures with the shotguns and pistol. Apparently, guns are rare in Romania, so it was a treat for them to even see one. During this time, the siblings were each able to spend some time with Maria and hopefully have some quality conversation. Then the family fed us all a great Romanian meal..sarmalis and some pork (probably from the severed pig head hanging in the yard) plus some French fries added for my benefit ☺
Overall, it was a great experience and my first time as guest in a Romanian home. The family was obviously financially stable and treated Maria great, which is a huge answer to prayer.
After the trip back, we hung out with the LOC kids at the houses and watched videos and played with PhotoBooth on my laptop. Then Jeff took us in to town to an “authentic Romanian Italian” restaurant…aka some pizza and pasta. We finished the day with one of my favorite things, raiding the local grocery store for some Milka bars. We got in early in time to relax and even get to sleep in a little tomorrow.

Romania week 1

A week in Romania has come and gone. Some of you kept updated via e-mail or facebook. I can not even begin to explain the spiritual struggles that the team and I have been through. I can't speak for my team, but this was the most difficult mission trip week I have ever experienced. In it all, God was so faithful. I have never before felt so clearly the prayer support of my church family and friends back home.

We lost bags, which meant lost meds for me and learned to share almost everything...and currently our team is continuing to be unified and patient while they wait in a nearby city, Cluj, hoping to get home after a canceled flight. There are so many other things that happened that are not for the blogging world to know...God worked through them all though.

In it all, I still had an amazing week. The morning group of kids was my Camp Week 1 group two years ago. The two I knew best and prayed for so often were not there...they moved back in with parents. But so many others remembered me as well. And new relationships were formed. The third day I shared a little about being adopted and my story and the kids on my team began to open up and share their stories as well. Two of the kids shared how God gave them the ability to forgive despite circumstances. The others in the group listened well, but it was evident that they did not understand. It was amazing to see two teenage boys take my story to the next level and share what it meant to surrender their pain and past to Christ.

The evening group was the LOC kids, a group I have now known for 4 years now. The time with them was fun but not nearly as deep. The first day I spent with the kids (before camp started) I was able to have some meaningful conversations. As soon as camp began, they seemed distracted. My prayer this week is that God will give me a chance to be bold and finish some conversations I need to have with them.

Monday brings another group of kids and new challenges. I have so much to sort through, but more than anything, I pray that I am aware and obedient to what God calls me to this week...each conversation and appointment I make will glorify Him.

p.s. sorry for any grammar/spelling errors. tried to spellcheck and its set to Romanian somehow...almost every word showed up as a misspelling.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Today was a reality check for me. February is Domestic Violence Awareness month and we had a guest speaker from the police department come speak to the students. Normally when guest speakers visit, the students try to be polite, but nod off in boredom. Today was different. They listened intently. And they were vocal. They were sure of their opinions and shared willingly. Male and female both argued the same points. Overall, most the students said and agreed on the following:

1. Sometimes in a relationship, you deserve to get hit (Even girls deserve to get hit by guys sometimes).

2. Girls should know better to stay out of certain things and keep their place (one of the GIRLS said this, and many agreed)

3. It is ok to be jealous and keep tabs on someone you are in a relationship with because it shows love

4. It is ok to control things like cell phone use or who each hangs out with as long as you mutually agree to be controlling.

I don't even know what to say to this. I want to pull aside the girls who readily admitted they are in a relationship where they have been hit, about 10 girls whom I am close to and many others. They don't see any other way. No matter what was said by the speaker or us, they see abuse as a part of life. I can't imagine. It breaks my heart for them, and for many of their children that they will teach the same too. It never occurred to me that the same students who we see fighting in the school hallways as a means of problem solving take the same approach in their dating lives.

Throughout the month of "awareness" and today, it was said that if you are with an abuser you need to get out of that relationship. The cycle of abuse is hard to break and people do not change unless they want to. I realize now that for many males AND females in the room, they were actually the abusers and they did not see anything wrong. They have no desire to change.

Today was just another day when teaching grammar and literature seemed so pointless in perspective. Who cares if they can pass TAKS if this is the life the life they look forward to? So many more important lessons are needed. How does one even begin to make a lasting impact?

The Green Pen Self

I haven't blogged in forever. So long, in fact, that my own blog is not even bookmarked on my browser. There are multiple reasons for why, one reason that I have realized the past months how many people from different areas of my life have access to my blog. I never blog about things I'm ashamed about, but for some reason the reality of it gave me writers block. The second being that I am "working" on a big blog. I have been "working" on it for a year now. Or shall I say God has been working on it. I'm waiting for the end of the story and it will hopefully arrive soon. Patience is difficult.

Since I'd rather not just blog about my not blogging (boring), I finally decided on a topic to blog on...The Green Pen Self...

The past years (post-college) have stretched my faith like no other. I journal every night and occasionally go back and read past entries. Sometimes it even amazes me how little has changed over the years. But the past few weeks I have had a slightly different experience.

For the new year, I decided to go back and finish a Beth Moore study on David that I never completed. I knew it was from years ago, but it wasn't until a couple lessons in that I figured out when. As I do the study each day, I use a notecard to cover up the green pen answers scribbled years ago and write in my new answers neatly in black. Then I compare.

The factual questions still produce the same answers, of course. But the questions about struggles-not so much. I am learning more from past answers than current. The study is from my very first year out of college- that first year in seminary. Each green answer is a perfect Sunday school answer. As the study examines Saul's jealousy and pride, it asks questions about my own. The "green" self says she doesn't really struggle with pride and is rarely jealous. The "green " self didn't even bother to finish the book that year because quiet times became non-existant in the seminary world. The "green" self became so jealous of friends moving on with life while she was still in school that she almost lost all friendships. The "green" self ignored all the probing questions about pride and jealousy...too prideful to even notice. And pride comes before the fall- the book remained incomplete as well as almost every other attempted quiet time material for a few years after that.

If only I could have seen that what so clearly leads up to the years of struggle I allowed myself to have. Those who know me well or knew me then no the huge trials through seminary and trying to figure out my call to teach and work with youth. God had to use such extremes to humble me- things that to this day people cannot ever believe happened. Every night as I "redo'" my study, I think back- how I wish the "black pen" self could have been there to tell the "green" pen self a thing or to.

This may not mean much nor make sense to those who have met me after this time period. But for those who knew me in the "green" years, I could not be more sorry for the way I treated others...so many great friendships were lost at my own pride . And for those who still are there, I am amazed and thankful that somehow our friendship survived...obviously through God's power and not my own attempts at friendship. More than anything, I am thankful for God's grace as He constantly draws me back to Him. I can't wait to see what else He has to teach me through my "green" self.

Romania...the rest of the trip

There was no more time to write on the trip, but I wanted to finish the story for those of you wondering what happened the last few days. This is going to be long...it's a lot of days.
Wednesday was a great day of camp for most, but the green team presented a challenge. The older kids were not setting the best example, and the entire team was not allowed to go with us to our outing at The Weekend, a public pool. It was sad not to take the entire group with us, but I think it was a good lesson for the kids. That evening, we took a trip to The Center, which just like it sounds is the center of town. Not much was open, but we stopped for ice cream at my old favorite place, The Gallery Cafe (my fav last year only b/c of the free Internet). While we were sitting there, another American group passed by. The team leader noticed Emily’s Texas shirt and came back to talk to us. Turns out he is from Lubbock and just moved to Romania to teach English a few months ago. He gave me information on their program, which was pretty exciting. (Perhaps that’s why I randomly became certified ESL last month?)
Thursday was a much better day at camp for all teams. We had an afternoon of messy games followed by a water balloon fight that hardly seemed fair. Basically all the kids had balloons and none of the adults! I’m pretty sure Krisztina attacked me with at least 20 balloons. That evening we went to The Weekend for dinner with the mentor apartment group. It was great to see Gabi and the girls, especially Maria whom I sponsor. My mom and I had a bag of clothes for her but she was most excited about the Twilight themed bag. Apparently she is a huge Edward fan. But then again, who isn’t. ☺
Friday was a long day at a much nicer pool, The Apollo. The kids all had fun and we were worn out. My favorite part was at the end. We were given a chance to share with the kids and I shared a little bit about my testimony and tied it in to being adopted. During that time, Krisztina also finally admitted that she had fun all week, even though she had tried so hard to look bored all week. Friday night we convinced our translators Andrei and Violeta to hang out with us and walked all around TM, and of course they were tons of fun.
Saturday was by far the most difficult day. We woke up early to visit the Gyspy village and I had no clue what to expect. When we arrived, we learned that another group was actually there doing a camp with the kids. It seemed pointless to be there at first. But we walked around anyhow. Somehow, a few kids decided that Amanda and I were great for catching them as they ran full speed down a hill. It was pretty funny. The kids ran and jumped into our arms, then we spun them around and set them down just in time to catch the next child approaching. Definitely wore us out quickly but was great!
After the village, we headed to lunch and prepared gift bags, then to the Casas. Because of some of the craziness earlier in the week, the kids decided they wanted to throw us a “Thank You” party. It was the sweetest thing ever. As soon as I got out of the van, Krisztina brought me a card and told me not to read it until later. The kids sang songs for everyone and gave us treats. They even made us a slide show saying thanks. As I was eating my snacks, one of the kids came to me telling me that Krisztina was off by the fence crying for me. I went and sat with her and said goodbye. It was probably one of the hardest goodbyes I’ve said in Romania.
As if that wasn’t enough emotion for the day, we went straight from there to Sincrai group homes. I was greeted almost instantly with Ileana. It was so great to see her again, even if it was just for a few minutes. I would love to be able to sit down and really get to talk to her (with a translator of course…can’t get very deep with my limited Romanian).
From there we headed to the cookout and shared stories. After that, my mom and I went to Gabi’s to see where the mentor girls lived. It was so great to be invited and wonderful to be able to picture what life was like there. Gabi made us amazing cake made from scratch and the girls played on the iPhones. After, I stopped by my translator, Paul’s, house. It was only for a few minutes, but well worth it. I was able to see so many people from last summer I hadn’t seen yet and even found out Paul was my friend Laura’s brother. It’s a small world, or at least in TM it is ☺
The next day we had a lot of free time while waiting to leave. I was able to catch up with two of my favorite translators Ioana and Amy (ok, they're all my fav). Then we went shopping with the mentor girls for a few hours. At last it was time to board the bus.
Leaving did not feel real. It was so hard to leave not knowing when I will be back, but the trip was amazing and I know that no matter when I return, the relationships I built will continue.

Romania Update 1

Two days into camp and I’m already not wanting to leave.
Our trip started out a bit crazy. We had an hour connection from Germany to Romania and I spent the last hour of that flight praying we make it. The answer to prayer came through the man in the yellow vest…seriously. There were many others on our flight with tight connections and our plane was a little late. When I walked off the plane, I saw a man holding a sign that said “Bucharest”. He was there to escort us through security passageways to our gate. He used his key card to get us to our plane on time- a definite answer to prayer, especially because no other flight seemed to have that luxury. When we arrived in Bucharest, we found out that we made our flight, but 11 of our bags did not. After a 6-hour drive to Targu Mures, we settled into the hotel, shuffling to find things to sleep in and borrowing toiletries as best we could.
Saturday morning we headed to the baby hospital. There were so many more babies then the times before. I ended up left alone in a room full of toddlers. One was wearing my flip-flops walking around the room. Two were pulling out my hair clips and “doing” my hair. While a fourth tried to crawl on me to be held. It was heartbreaking how little attention they received. It is always so hard to leave them.
We did not get to go to Zau as we had planned- which was sad. Instead we spend Saturday sorting through our 11 bags as they finally arrived. We met the departing Irish “Edge” team for a cookout then walked around TM.
Sunday was of course church. I was excited to see old friends. My friend Gabi greeted me right away and I spend the entire service talking to Ani about silly things…I was one of the many with no translator. Don’t worry; we did not disturb anyone else…too much.
Sunday afternoon the team met the Casa kids for the first time. They made connections instantly. Then we headed to the office for some time with the Campnita girls. These state care girls were my first group at camp last summer. I was amazed to find that Rodica not only remembered my face but also ran to me saying my name as soon as she saw me. She listed every team member as well. She attached herself to me right away and told me stories of herself and her siblings, Bobby and Ileana. These three were the family that I connected with the most last year. God put each one of them in my path and we connected in separate ways. I was so blessed to see her again and hope to see her sister next Saturday.
Monday and Tuesday were spent with the Casa kids at camp. The team stepped right up into leadership and the kids love them. The first day we had our all-girls cupcake decorating. Some of the cupcakes were not so pretty, but everyone had fun. One of the girls even said it was the best day of camp she ever had. Tuesday we took the kids to a nursing home to hand out flowers. Some of the kids were really scared, but a few were amazing. Catalina was playing games with one; Daniel was walking around with an old woman who could not have been happier. They truly brought smiles to faces.
The rest of the days will be continued in future blogs…this one is long enough. Please keep praying!

Romania 2009

It's late and I should be in bed. In fact, I was reaching for my "real" journal but instead decided I needed to blog. On Thursday, I leave for my third trip to Romania.
Many of you reading followed my last trip via blog. I doubt I will have time to blog on the trip as its only 10 days long. But it is already full of emotion. It is almost a year exactly since I was last there. I am so excited to go back, but so many other things are on my mind as well.
One of my favorite parts about Livada, the ministry in Romania, is that I get to see the same kids year after year. I am starting to see some of them grow up. It's amazing. Last year, I didn't want to leave. I knew it was time to, but I was feeling called to come back and possibly even more long-term. As a prayed through the fall, I was surprised (and I must confess a bit disappointed) to hear from God that I needed to lead a team this summer. Don't get me wrong - leading a team is great. But leading a team meant I could not spend the entire summer there and I of course could not spend even longer there. It didn't seem to make sense, but I reluctantly obeyed.
Now, I am leaving for Romania with a team of eight ...some youth, some peers/adults, and my mom. I can't tell you how fun it is to hear my youth speaking Romanian. Not only are those eight a part of Romania, but countless people in the church and a few in the community have become involved. Even my students helped (by helped, I mean bought my overpriced candy bars for a fundraiser, but it still counts). Now, so many people in my life are a part of Romania. I would not trade that for anything.
As I leave, obviously there are many prayer concerns for the trip, a few being travel, safety, unity, and to expect great things from God. But my biggest personal prayer is that God shows me how Romania fits in my future. I don't need all the details, just a peace about what to do next. This coming week, I will have to face some Romanian friends who are disappointed I did not move there. I don't even know what to say some of them, nor do I know what the future holds. As I wrestled with dreading those conversations, God used a bible study tonight to remind me of the way He works. The main point: Balancing Passion with Patience. I know I am passionate about Romania and I was ready to dive in fully a few years ago. Patience did not come easy; I'm not even sure it came at all- I waited, but not always patiently. But the little patience I had allowed me to invite many others to be a part my passion. Who knows what else patience can bring as I wait on His timing.

Me...as told by the medical experts

I have been waiting MONTHS to blog about my recent experiences. What was a waiting for? Well, I was waiting to know the results of my months of medical trials. The bad news, I still have no clue what is going on with my body (and neither does my doctor). The good news, I'm going to blog anyway.

First things first, you have to know something about me if you don't already. I have something called PKU. Google it if you have no clue. For those of you that have a clue, the following online broadcast about the effects of PKU explains me so well. It's long...but the first 20 minutes or so will help you understand me more. If you don't know me, you probably won't care. But for those that know me well, I highly recommend it.

My entire life I have been following special diets with little hope of change. The past year, their was at last hope. A medical company developed a drug that works in some people that could make life "normal".

My disease is rare, so little had been done before...mostly because of supply and demand. The science and technology are there, but the demand is low. With the new drug came something odd...marketing. The drug company needs demand...they need everyone from our small PKU population to try their "product". And that means marketing. Suddenly for the first time in my life I am able to find useful tools. There are special journals, a social website, free conferences, and online radio talk shows. I received more info from one of the broadcasts then from other sources most my life.

Also for the first time in my life, I have been able to eat "normal". I have tried pepperoni pizza, cheese quesadillas, fettuccine Alfredo, grilled cheese, ham, mozzarella sticks, etc. It's not really "normal". I have no idea how to eat "normal". My protein levels have been all over the board (translation: doctors have NO idea how much protein I am supposed to eat these days). Although eating "normal" is fun and easier socially, most the time I just crave french fries :)

Most my life, I have been eating about 15g-20g of protein a day. Right now I am supposed to eat 40g a day. My test results are "confusing" (Those were my doctor's words). I am finding it not really worth the problems - I feel a bit slow. My new found love for cheese would easily be traded for some french fries.

Does my future hold cheese or french fries? I have no idea. I'll write more as I find out. But it is indeed an interesting adventure, hopefully one without lasting brain damage :)

Spiritual Highs/Lows

Today was a really great day for just talking to students. Every Friday we do highs/lows (good part of the week, not so good part). Usually before Spring Break kids talk about partying. Somehow in the PM session, God just lead the time.
In the course of 3 hours, I had conversations 5 different students about the following.
1. Youth retreat for the weekend - one of the girls was really excited about her church retreat, mostly because of the fellowship...a nice surprise to learn she is involved in church
2. Youth groups in churches- One of my guys says he is going back to church after a run in with the police last night. Then we (him, another girl and I) discussed youth groups...the students feel youth groups for their population (at-risk areas) don't care about the youth, just babysit them. They like what they called "white" churches because the youth workers care about the youth. But they hate visiting because they are so cliquey
3.Diversity in worship - That lead to a conversation about worshiping in churches with all races and how much more amazing that would be...and that its the way God intended it to be.
4. Abortion and Emotional and Spiritual Ramifications - One student was asked to take his
girlfriend to get an abortion and is afraid to share his views with her. We talked about abortion and the emotional struggles post-abortion...very hard conversation because he is convinced she won't change her mind so he just needs to know how to support her
5. Healing and living your faith - One student acts out in school because of past struggles. He is a Christian and we talked about letting people see that in him...he asked for prayer
6. Promise rings vs. True Love Waits Rings - same guys girlfriend wants a promise ring. He didn't know what that was. We talked about purity and "why wait"
7. Waiting until marriage before living together and working at marriage instead of divorce - different group, similar topic. We were talking about my being single at my age...and somehow they were sharing how they don't think couples should live together. We talked about stats of divorce for those who live together and then how marriage should be worked on...even if hard times come - even cheating...forgiveness is important.

It was such a blessing to have these open doors and conversations, especially after a really long two weeks of really difficult students. But it was also hard to hear that the students are longing for ministry to them - for discipleship, for a prayer, and for fellowship. The need is there...I'm excited to see how God will provide...and willing to be a part of it in any way He allows.

Sex Ed vs. Abstinence Ed

This may be a bit controversial. I tried to explain myself clearly. You don't have to agree...just know that as a teacher and a Christian, these are my thoughts.
Today at work, I talked to a young 16 year-old mother-to-be about her desire take a short vacation as soon as she has her baby because she deserves one. She has no idea that a mother NEEDS to be with her newborn. And a few classes later, I spent 30 minutes talking to one of my male students who is going to take his girlfriend to get an abortion over the break, even though he does not agree with the idea. It broke my heart.
Recent news reports in TX have been debating if the abstinence education programs have been effective. Statistics seem to say the teen pregnancy rate is higher than other states with sex ed programs like California. As a teacher of these teens, I had to react. These are not numbers to me...these are my kids.
The first thing they don't tell you on the news is that California's teen pregnancy rate is not lower, the teen birth rate is lower (similar amounts of girls get pregnant in Cali, but more of the girls have an abortion). And this can hardly mean the STD rate is significantly lower in Cali.
The second thing they don't tell you is that MOST of my students know how to have safe sex. Even the ones not having sex. Most know about STDS. I have even overheard them list symptoms and try to help diagnose each other (eww). But most do not use protection. Why? Because they have had abstinence education instead of sex ed? NO! The reason why my students do not use protection is because they don't want to. These things cannot happen to them. They will not get pregnant. They will not get an STD.
Teenagers have always been known for daring behavior and their "it can't happen to me" attitude. They can be the most brilliant teen in the world and they still might decide to do something crazy- like drive 100mph on the highway, not because they don't know the danger but because nothing will happen to them. We can teach them all about safe driving, but chances are they will still take the risk. I'm pretty sure my own car reached similar speeds in my teen years. We were just bored and having fun. Nothing could happen to us. (Even though we had people in our own class die from the same thing)
My point? My students are not getting pregnant or contracting STDs because they are naive. They do not need Sex Ed to teach them. They are not having unprotected sex because they don't know where to get protection. Most my students tell me they wont use pills because they don't like the way the pills make them feel (they were on them for a while). Most don't use other forms of protection because it "hinders" feelings and they know they won't get pregnant. They also know that the other one is "clean". Schools can spend millions of dollars and hundreds of hours educating kids on "safe" sex and the reality is, the students will still find themselves invincible.
So what about abstinence? Many people see it as a joke. Too many people think that no young person would ever be able to wait until marriage. If the adults have that attitude, how on earth can they expect teens to feel confident that they can wait? Many succeed. But teenagers can be as committed as they want to abstinence and fail. The reality is that abstinence education apart from the commitment to God is almost impossible. Most my students who have sex are not doing it for "fun" at first, but because they desire to feel loved. They may be taught that sex is not love, but that doesn't change the fact that it can feel like a substitute temporarily. Only a relationship with God can fill that emptiness. The teens who succeed in their abstinence vows are not more moral than others. And they do not succeed because of better abstinence education programs. They succeed because they KNOW that God loves them - they do not feel the void that so many have. All of those who are committed to abstinence at my school are vocal about how they commit because of their relationship with Christ. They come from the same difficult at-risk backgrounds as the others, but manage to abstain. They may be tempted, but the reality that God has a plan for their future and the commitment they made to Him is what allows them to have discipline.
Can we teach that in a class? Schools can encourage abstinence all they want, but the truth is, apart from a relationship with God, teens will continue to try to fill the void of love with something, and the temptation will most likely be too hard to resit.
It saddens me that so few of my students have the confidence to avoid saying no to sex even when they originally wanted to wait. It saddens me how many get pregnant and had refused to use pills because they think they look ugly when they gained a little weight from them (or sometimes their guy told them they looked ugly when they gained weight...they aren't even confident enough to protect themselves). It saddens me that some of them PURPOSELY get pregnant so that someone, their baby, will love them unconditionally (and yes, they will tell you this is the reason). It saddens me to know that many of them probably have STDS but I don't even want to ask or know. It breaks my heart most of all that I know that Christ can change their heart and attitude and give them the unconditional love, confidence and joy they so long for in a relationship...but the world labels Christ as offensive for me to share.

(I share anyway anytime I have a chance, and shared today especially with the male struggling with the abortion decision - he asked, God opened the door, I shared. If only that could be the "Sex Ed" curriculum)

My Students

This week was a really bad week. This blog is more for me to remember months from now than it is for you to read. But read anyway...
These past few weeks I have encountered the most disrespect I have ever experienced from my students. I'm really struggling to have compassion for them. Their culture is so lost, and sometimes it just frustrates me that they cannot see that constant drug use, gangs, carrying guns around, and having babies at 14 is not healthy for them emotionally or physically! (And of course, not at all spiritually!) But I graded their essays about fear and/or a journey and here are a few of topics they wrote...puts things in perspective:

When my sister and her girlfriend were killed by a drunk driver
When my dad died of lung cancer last year
I used to watch my stepdad hit my mother and I do not want to be like that to my own baby (that she is currently pregnant with)
I am trying to be a responsible teenage mother (more than one of these essays)
Being chased by the police when I had drugs (he did not get caught)
When a friend was almost shot at a party
When my father abused my mother (both who were drug addicts)
Finding my fathers gun for the first time
Taking ecstasy for the first time feeling I might die
Going to jail for theft
Stealing car radios and getting shot at and chased
Getting evicted from our home with no where to go
Running away with a friend who then wanted to use me for sex and then sleeping on the streets instead until I was so scared I went home

Can't pay my bills b/c can't remember my fav actor 3 years ago...

Ok so the title is misleading, but could really happen.
I rarely complain on my blog. In fact, I am not very opinionated. But it is that very factor that causes this complaint. Today, while setting a password for PayPal I encountered once again a problem with security questions. Who on earth decided you can ask OPINION questions as security questions? What if I forget my password next year and all my favorites have changed! What if I don't remember what my favorite was years ago when I set up the account. Security questions need to stick to facts. It would be one thing if I was signing up for Facebook or something "fun"-but these silly questions are the security questions for my credit cards. My finances can be effected by my memory of who my favorite cartoon character was 3 years ago when I signed up for the online account.
Below are a list of real security questions from one of my credit cards that I cannot seem to answer. I had to pick three. I resorted to the only three that seemed like the answers cannot change over time. "What street did you grow up on?" "Who was your high school mascot?" and "What was your mother's maiden name?" which is difficult because I can never seem to spell it right! Here are the rest...
What is the name of your favorite childhood friend? Um, I had more than one
What is your favorite book? Changes
What is your favorite cartoon character? No idea
What is your favorite flower? Any people give me
What is your favorite movie? Changes
What is your favorite sport? Changes
What musical instrument do you play? Ok, not opinion, but I played two, so which would I put?
What was the name of your favorite teacher? Had more than one fav
What was your first pet's name? Had two first pets - at the same time
Where did you meet your spouse/significant other? No spouse for me but what if I were to answer this one while dating someone then need my password a year later when I have a new guy in my life?
Who is your favorite actor? Changes
Who is your favorite author? None (I'm not a very dedicated Literature teacher)
Who is your historical person? Um, never even thought about this.
Who is your favorite musician? Changes

Everyone Keeps Sending me this survey...

My 25
1. In college, I used to dress up in a purple toga to cheer on LT and my Horned Frogs
2. I told my college advisor I would NOT take English classes because I would NEVER teach English no matter what.
3. I am a certified English teacher :)
4. I actually love my job most days – my at-risk teenagers completely fascinate me and break my heart all the same time
5. Every two months or so I want to quit my job and move half way across the world
6. I love writing and if I wasn’t a teacher or missionary, I’d be a journalist
7. I really don’t like reading the news online – I’m old fashioned and like to flip through the pages
8. I don’t currently subscribe to any newspaper because my neighbors kept stealing it and I just gave up and no longer read the news at all
9. I am non-confrontational, hence why I gave up my newspaper subscription
10. When I get mad at someone, I cannot stay mad very long. I always forget I am mad when I see the person because I am so excited to talk to them. Half the time they don’t even know I was ever mad
11. At least once a day, a quote from Friends enters my head. Usually, its when I’m around people who have no clue, but I love when I can just say the line and the other person understands me completely. I have a few friends and even a couple students who know all the lines too
12. I can actually watch any show. I will never turn off a movie or TV show in the middle, no matter how dumb it is. I like to know what happens. If I turn it off in the middle, I will dream about the ending, sometimes even months later.
13. LOST is the best show ever
14. I ate my very first real pizza slice last week and it was amazing
15. I’m not supposed to eat meat, but I have a weakness for pepperoni
16. I am a computer nerd - I could be on my computer all day and never notice the time go by
17. I rarely ever cry, but when I do I really cry
18. One of my favorite things to do is shop and SAVE more money then I spent. I love to go to sales or TJ Max and find really good deals. I can almost always tell you the price of anything I am wearing.
19. I don’t understand the obsession with shoes. I have the basics and even they stress me out. If I could, I would wear flip-flops or my Sketchers every day. But the fashionable side of me refuses.
20. When I was in seminary, I was a bad dresser. My DVR was set to tape What Not To Wear. I’d watch while I read my homework. One day I saw I sweater I owned on the things NOT to wear. I cleaned out a lot of stuff out of my closet that same day and since then was very careful about what I buy. Oddly enough, I still have that sweater for some reason. Haven’t worn it since though.
21. I also have no idea how to use makeup. I try something and if I like it, I continue to do the same every single day. I just have no idea how to change things.
22. Accessories make very little sense to me. I don’t understand how to match things. I like them on others though. I have TONS of jewelry I never wear.
23. I’ve lived in TX almost 10 years and rented the entire time because I really can’t commit to live here another year, even though I will probably live here forever
24. I want to live in Romania and New York City for at least a year of my life
25. I’m pretty sure this is the first one of these surveys I have ever done. The only reason I did it is because people keep tagging me on theirs. So I’m tagging all of you back.

The World is Your Stage...and Facebook is the ticket vendor

I work with teenagers. Whether in school or church settings, they have all become completely obsessed with online profiles. The church ones flock to Facebook, my school ones to MySpace. And all this leads to problems. High school drama takes a new extreme. And worst of all, the world revolves around you and your profile. I've had small chats with many teenagers and peers who struggle with this, but a recent article said it well. The educator, sociologist, and theologian in me were all intrigued.
Relevant Magazine published an article called "The Problem of Pride in the Age of Twitter" by Brett McCracken. Part of me wishes I had written this article first! But he did a better job than I could have. Mine would have been more "sociological".
McCracken focused on the idea that we are obsessed with defining ourselves via play-by-play status updates and "....communication is no longer about learning things from people or sharing experiences; it's about knowing what they're doing and how they're feeling, or at least how they want the world to perceive them as such" Enter the drama.
It reminds me of the sociological concept of the looking-glass self. It was a term coined by Charles Cooley in 1902...that's over a hundred years ago. Apparently the problem is not new. Encyclopedia.com explains, "an individual's sense of self is derived from the perceptions of others. Just like the reflections in a mirror, the self depends on the perceived responses of others; or, as he himself puts it, ‘each to each a looking glass reflects the other that doth pass.'" It continues to explain,"The looking-glass self has three components: the imagination of our appearance to the other person; the imagination of their judgement of that appearance; and self feelings, such as pride."
If these explanations don't make sense, google the term. There are TONS of web pages dedicated to explaining it. Basically, the idea is that we think the whole world is watching us. The idea is that I am an actor on a stage, and everyone is watching my life. The way the "audience" perceives me defines who I am. So I strive to present myself the way I want the audience to see me. Of course, the audience is fictional. Or is it?
In Cooley's day, the audience was almost completely in one's mind. I remember walking through high school with a bad haircut thinking EVERYONE was watching, judging. They weren't. The Internet - Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, and Blogs have finally given the self-conscious teenager (as well as everyone else) an audience. Ever freak out because a "bad" picture of you was tagged? Or spend hours posing for a cute profile pic? Written a blog or status update just to get empathy? Created a YouTube video to show off? Why? Because you want people to think of you as attractive. You want people to understand where you are coming from. You want people to see you shine.
When it all comes down to it, things haven't changed much since Cooley created the theory in 1902. Thanks to the Internet, everyone is welcome to be part of the audience. But I think most the audience still only consists of a select few. I have over 400 friends on facebook. I sometimes read updates on my newsfeed, but don't really care about most of those. The problem is that we THINK everyone cares. We insist people comment on our walls, blogs, status updates, videos, etc because we really want to know how people perceive us and that people care.
This blog will be "readable" by over 400 facebook friends and anyone who finds it via google. My pride could tell myself "All these people will be transformed by my amazing words". Reality is that only a few will read, and even fewer comment. And that's ok.
McCracken's article concluded that the problem of pride is not new to the church but "Technology has only exacerbated it. In times like these-when it's easier and more alluring than ever to be or feel important-Christians must remember that we're not called to be viral superstars. We're called to be living sacrifices. We're not instructed to make ourselves look as good as possible in front of the largest audience we can; no, we are instructed to deny ourselves and humbly follow Christ." What do you think?

Field Trip

Today I experienced my first ever field trip with my students. I have tried (and failed) many times to take students to the Holocaust Museum in Dallas. After all sorts of ridiculous problems, we were finally able to make it a reality.
Nineteen at-risk 10th grades (from age 14-19) gave up their "Christmas Movie Day" today to instead go to the museum. They were so excited. We loaded the bus and headed to Dallas.

My students just finished reading the book "Night" by Elie Wiesel. So many of them read ahead in the book, and most say its the best book they have every read. Some say its the only book they ever actually read. A few ask if they can have a personal copy.
We were blessed to hear a survivor speak. As we waited anxiously, we talked about how this is probably the only time they will hear a survivor. We discussed how their children won't have that option because the survivors are aging. My only pregnant girl on the trip proudly proclaimed that her daughter is getting to hear a survivor. I smiled. We talked about how when her daughter learns about the Holocaust in school, she will probably be the only one that ever had that opportunity, even if there is no way she will remember it.
Max Glauben shared with us. His story was amazing.(See it on YouTube link at end of this blog)
We combined with another school, with about 50 students of their own. My students listened, most with wide eyes. One of my favorite students, lets call her Julie, was the only one bold enough to ask any questions after his talk. She asked how he was able to stay alive with so much discouragement. Glauben shared about his faith helping him persevere. I was so proud of her.
His talk was about an hour and one of my most difficult students looked a bit bored. Let's call him Mike. I was disappointed because I thought he had tuned out. But then Glauben mentioned his tattoo, explaining how inhumanly it was applied. Mike is a tattoo artist, and his attention was immediately captured. After the talk, Mike was the only student brave enough to ask to see the tattoo up close.
Mike and I had some issues this term. He had been so disrespectful to me and our substitute, so I told him he could not go on the field trip. When we finished the book, he begged me to let him go, offered to pay his own way, and wanted his own copy of the book to read again. I gave in.
Today, I almost cried when he came up to me to tell me about seeing Glauben's tattoo. He said "Thank you so much for taking me, miss. This was a really amazing experience." I have never heard him so genuine.
As we made our way through the really small museum exhibits, my students spent SO much time reading and listening to their audio guides. I am not very good with museums and especially audio guides. I think they did better than I did. They took photos and asked me questions. They learned so much even though the museum was small. On the way back, they were hungry and rowdy, but after about 10 minutes, they all fell asleep :)
As I looked around at them sleeping and recalled their comments to me all day, I was so grateful for a chance to be part of this experience. Most of them will remember this experience the rest of their lives. They knew I fought hard to be sure the field trip happened. I have never seen such impact or gratitude. I am so blessed to be a part of shaping their lives.

Do or do not, there is no try

What horrible advice! I don't consider myself a student of Master Yoda. Although I think he's kind of cute, his "wisdom" isn't always wise. For some reason, I seem to follow his words.
Sometimes its easier to "do not" than to try and fail. I find that I will avoid trying new things. I would rather have the hope of success and enjoyment later than the failure now. If I don't try, it might still work someday when I do.
A silly example...every now and then they come up with new "low protein" food choices. (If you don't know, I have a special diet I need to follow). I will order the new product and when it arrives, admire it from a distance. Occasionally, I will examine the packaging. It takes weeks to build up the courage to have a taste.
The most recent was "low pro" hot dogs. I love hot dogs, but I am not really supposed to eat them. The "low pro" ones looked great and I was excited to try them. As soon as they arrived, I packed them away. They spent a month in the freezer. I would see them and have hope that perhaps I had found an alternative to hot dogs - that I could bring them to summer BBQs and maybe everywhere else I go. Finally, one day I had nothing to eat in my cabinets, so I gave in and tried one. It was probably one of the most disgusting things I have ever tasted! I once again had no hope of a "low pro" hot dog. So was it better to live with "hope" in suspense? Or to know the truth (that they were indeed DISGUSTING!)?
January of this year, I heard of a medicine that could change my life. I quickly signed up for the program. I was told I would try it right away. After months of insurance problems, phone tag, and misunderstandings, its now December. I might finally get to try it. And it scares me. For a year, I have had hope that it will work. I am so excited about what life could be...so much less guilt at meal time and so much more ejnoyment. In just a few weeks, I will either have a different lifestyle OR go back to my hopeless hot-dog-free diet. Somehow, the unknown seems more comforting than the truth. But I know that if I don't try, I will NEVER be able to enjoy hot dogs, pepperoni, and cheese guilt free. Do or do not, there is no try? I think not. I am ready to know the truth!

Peace

I've never wrote a blog without first knowing where I am going with my thoughts...but here goes...
Romania was a big wake up call for me. Being away from my "reality" for two months taught me a lot, but perhaps the biggest thing was how much my character had truly changed in the years after college leading up to the trip. And not changed in the good way. Changed in the snobby "I belong in the movie Mean Girls" way. Post college bitterness turned into "I deserve better". Add some people in my life who felt the same, and I had my own group to call or text me whenever I want to tell me anything I wanted to hear. I seemed to always be disappointed and worried about the future. I decided in Jan I needed to "fix" things. Over the last year, I have withdrawn from many people in my life (some good influences, some not so good). Before this summer, I found myself struggling with how I could ever stay in Texas and actually be used by Him with the mess I had here.
Then came Romania. I went from nights alone just me and God to living in a house constantly surrounded by people. I'd like to say the biggest thing I learned in Romania was something sweet about the orphans. They were amazing. But the thing I learned best was that I truly had a long way to go to get back to a character reflecting Christ. It's amazing how sharing close quarters with others allows your true character to spill out. I'm not proud of how shallow some relationships were. I am not proud of how little I did to encourage others. But I know God used it to remind me of who I was in Him in college and to teach me how to ignite that desire again.
Since I've been back, I haven't followed a different "formula" or "plan". Quiet times are about the same. My job is still demanding and really difficult. But somehow, now I have peace. The past few days, I was sick and had trouble sleeping. I began to feel a little stress. I realized that it was the first time I felt stress since before Romania. Instead of freaking out about the stress, I began to wonder, "Why no stress until now? " A lot has been going "wrong" by any one's measure. Although circumstances have not changed since this summer, my character and perspective have been transformed. I realized I am not feeling stress because I am finally learning to truly turn things over to God. In Romania,I lived without a phone and TV for two months. And when I came back from Romania, I had no computer for a month! It became normal. Now when problems arise, I don't call a friend; I pray first. The best part is that without distractions, I am able to hear God's voice again...
Work seems routine and hard. I pray. God says start a yearbook. Suddenly, I have something to love about work.
Youth stuff is confusing because I have no actual role in the youth group. I pray. Pour more into discipleship and spend time praying for students. Discipleship is going great and my students now talk to me about God in the middle of classes.
Relationships seem confusing. I pray. Friends and family bring up any topic I struggled with, within a day of praying.
My friend reminded me of some lyrics the other day..."Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer". I prayed before Romania, but not like this. I prayed in Romania and found guidance about "camp" stuff. But now I'm back in my "reality". Its amazing how prayer without TV, cell phones, or even others to distract has truly changed my character as only God can. If only I could get back those years of needless worry and pain! Obviously that's not an option, but its amazing how God is fixing my past "messes" as I take the present trials to Him in prayer.

Self-Check Out

The other day I had an odd experience at the grocery store. It all started when I walked in. For some reason, I set the alarm off walking in. I paused, shocked, and looked around. No one seemed to want to check me or my large purse. I realized their were no baskets so I would need to go back outside to get a cart. On my way out, the alarm rang again. Really weird. But no one even looked my direction. My way back in I didn't even pause at the alarm...obviously no one cared.
Then for the next odd part.Remember when grocery stores had express lanes? Ten items or less allowed you to bypass those with a cart full of items. But someone had a great idea to create a self checkout line. It must have sounded like a good idea on paper...they don't have to pay anyone to scan the groceries. We feel special because we get to quickly scan groceries. Up until a few days ago, my only annoyance with them was the constant "skip bagging?" alert every time I bought a light weight item. But was this really a good idea?
I was at the store at a peak time 5pm on a weekday to pick up a few items. Since express lanes no longer exist and too many people were buying a months supply of groceries, I opted for the self checkout. They had 6 "lanes" total, so I did not mind the four people with almost empty carts waiting in front of me. The "supervisor" was busy wiping down a few of the "lanes" that I quickly realized were not turned on. Only 3 were on and open, only 1 for my line. Even though the store was packed and lines were growing quickly, the others were not turned on. But they were very clean when she was done with them. The few people in front of me were obviously annoyed. I saw the women a few people in front of me had flowers and I wondered how long that would take to scan and price check. To my surprise, the flowers scanned find. But it was a different story for the bottled water. The "supervisor" walked by them without helping. After repeated attempts to scan the water, the women just shrugged their shoulders and placed the water in their basket anyway. They smiled at each other and laughed awkwardly. These otherwise innocent 40 year old women had to resort to stealing! (Ok, they did not have to, but those behind them in line were not willing to wait for the supervisor to come back and help them, so no one told on them).
The next person had even more trouble. The supervisor had to enter her code three times. Not one time did she check to see why she was entering the code. I think it was an innocent mistake, but I am pretty sure the man did not scan one of his three 12-packs of cola.
I waited 15 minutes for my turn to purchase my seven items, and as I walked out the doors, the alarm went off again. I could have fit almost anything in that big purse of mine. No one stopped me or even looked my direction, so I just kept on going. I couldn't help but think how I could have saved 15 minutes and a few dollars had I just filled my purse with the items and walked out. Or waited in my line but skipped the scan for my higher priced item. Of course, I would never, but I wondered how many do fall to the temptation, or at least how many people "forget" to scan an item or two. I can't help but wonder if the stores really are saving money with these "self-check out" lines. In my fifteen minute wait alone in one line the store lost at least $10. I never knew a grocery store employee to make $10 every fifteen minutes. Perhaps they should rethink the system.

**Searching my purse later, I found that I had a DVD in my purse that I had been showing in my class that day...I'm guessing it set off the alarm.

REGRET IT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

Every time I drive up or down I-35 across the Kansas turnpike near Emporia, my eyes are drawn to an old billboard with a simple message..."Accept Jesus Christ and be saved or REGRET IT FOREVER." Most people probably think its annoying, insulting, or maybe some think its wonderful. Each time I see the billboard the same thought enters my mind (which is often because the board is on BOTH sides of the road, how thoughtful of them). Perhaps its the sociologist in me, but I always wonder how many people have truly been "saved" through a billboard like this. Does God use it to convict people? Does it cause them to examine their lives? I am not one to judge, I have no idea what God might be doing through it, but it saddens me how the message if watered down.
As Christians, we try to remind people that they don't want to go to hell. Heaven sounds so much better. Who wouldn't want to be saved from burning in hell? But what is heaven? If heaven is eternity with God, and someone hasn't ever experienced God's presence on earth, why would that be appealing? We are asking them to trade in a lifestyle that seems fun to them for an investment that to them only pays in the end. And in their eyes, the pay isn't all that great.
Since when is the gospel only about joy in eternity? What happened to the joy that comes in Christ NOW, on this side of heaven. Scripture is filled with references to the kingdom of heaven being NOW on earth and in heaven. So many passages deal with how Christ transforms our life today, not by laws and morals, but through peace, joy, and purpose. Why are we trying trying to reach a instant-gratification generation with an attempt to "sell" a better afterlife when clearly Christ offers so much more.
The problem is most of us live with the Heaven part in mind, and let the every day reflect our human nature. I can tell everyone they can have joy in Christ now and for eternity, but as I grumble about my job, finances, social situations, love life, etc...why would they ever believe me? If I am not living like my life is transformed now, then the world sees my faith as nothing but "fire insurance".
Recently, I listened to a sermon about Matthew 13, the parable of the Sower. As the pastor elaborated on the different types of seeds he explained that the seed that fell among thorns started to grow, but was choked by the thorns, by the trials in the world. I began to wonder if that is what I look like to the world. As trials and just everyday life happen, do I let my faith be choked? Is my faith still evident? I know my relationship with Christ is genuine, but is it reflected to others? I have never bought into the "fire insurance" style of evangelism and never will. I don't need to be perfect, that's not possible this side of heaven. But if I am going to be so bold as to evangelize a faith that transforms lives here and now on earth, I want to be sure that is what my life is a testimony for.

Romania Videos 4:Body Builders

And I could not resist showing a clip of the "body builder" competition, a fav of mine every week. This is the same as the one I posted before, but the sound makes it that much more fun.