On this side of 25 I have noticed a new phenomenon sweeping across the single Christian late twenty somethings. Married friends, you will not be able to relate, but read and praise the Lord that you were saved from the pseudo-life. Let me explain.
Pseudo-Boyfriend (soo-doh-boi-frend)* -n. a man who wants to be 'just friends' first with all the benefits of a girlfriend (either physical or emotional) without commitment. (*this can go the other way as well...the pseudo-girlfriend does exist boys! be careful!)
The idea is that its better to be friends first, and then see what happens (or in the Christian lingo, see where God leads it).
Great in theory. But the reality that most my friends live in is this: all the emotional time commitment of a girlfriend only until the 'real' girlfriend comes along. God is not leading, but the lonely selfish heart takes over.
Are you mad because you think I wrote this blog about you? I wrote this blog about ME and about 15 others I know.
No one is going to assume I am writing about you.
Girls everywhere are spending hours on the phone with these pseudo-men. They cling to the hope of something more. The guys want to start off with friendship. Or maybe they want to start that way? But what does that mean? Friendship does not mean answering the phone each time he calls no matter what. Friendship does not mean baking him cookies anytime he wants. Friendship does not mean cuddling with him during movies.
Now guys, this can be reversed. I confess I have been a pseudo-girlfriend to a few guys in the past. I let guys buy me dinner and drive me places because I just did not want to drive. I have spent hours talking to guys I was not interested in just so I would have someone to talk to. I have been on both sides. But the lesson has been learned. Below are the things every single needs to know. Feel free to add your own comments.
How NOT to have a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are interested in someone, do what you do to flirt for a while but if they do not ask you out in a few weeks then BACK OFF the deep conversations. They just want someone to listen and be there for them while they are single. If you back off and they miss you, then they will catch on and make a move if they were interested. Do NOT let them use you as a counselor or sounding board. Save your cell phone minutes for those who are worthy.
2. There is no need to bake cookies, buy food, or drive someone to the airport with just you and that other person. Make cookies for a group. Bring people a long on the airport ride. And for goodness sake boys, save your dollars for those real dates you will go on later in life.
3. If you are not sure (s)he is interested, find a way to ask. Do NOT play games. We are not in middle school. DTRs are wonderful (defining the relationship talks). Once the DTR happens, you will either be dating or not dating. If you decide to date, good for you. If (s)he says (s)he is not certain what they want in a relationship, then back off. You do not want to be second choice or the back-up person. You deserve so much better.
How NOT to BE a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are not interested in someone, there is NO need to spend long hours in deep emotional conversation, EVER. You can be friends without talking every night until the sunrises. Even if you think (s)he is not interested, it is not ok. Keep conversation to normal lengths (less than 1 hour of one-on-one) and normal frequency (not every day for hours...that’s crazy).
2. Do NOT let someone you are not interested in buy or bake you anything. Do NOT make it a habit to ride in the car with them one on one.
3. If you are not sure if you are interested, then you are NOT interested. Do NOT pretend to be just to see what happens.
5 comments:
Glad you put it all down in writing. And, I'm excited you found my blog and now I've found yours. :-)
this is really a great blog post.
i totally agree with many many many of your points.
the only thing I personally am not a fan of is DTRs. Sometimes in the early relationships stage the 2 people don't know where they are and defining it only makes it unnecesarily complicated when it need not be.
(matthew p. from travis used to say that dtr stood for death to the relationship...i tend to agree)
What a wonderfully written post... were you a journalism major???
People make themselves way too availalbe for the person they have a crush on, which is actually really un-attractive; nobody wants to start dating a girl/guy without a life and purpose of their own. Ryan was a trooper... when we first started hanging out/dating I never returned a missed call from him...I wasn't interested in a buddy, so if he was interested I wanted him to make a little effort to respect my time and plan a specific time for us to go on a date. I guess it worked :-)
Ditto on the DTR... I think it makes things complicated when they don't need to be, creates false emotions and connections, and reflects a lack of faith to go with the flow and see where God leads things.
You got it right. As much as I hate to admit it, you got it spot on
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