screaming and throwing pillows at the TV

Grey's Anatomy. I had never seen the show before Saturday. I just finished watching Disc One of Season TWO. I have a long way to go but I can already tell what the rest of the episodes will be like. As the season goes on, I will want to scream and throw my pillow.

Dramatic irony is my favorite "nerdy-English-teacher" element and the Grey's audience always knows what’s going on but the shows' characters know very little about the whole picture. Even when they do know the facts, I sometimes want to sit back and yell at them. How could they be so stupid? They go back and forth on decisions and seem to repeat mistakes. I'm not just talking about Grey's anymore. Most drama shows are like that. The more seasons the show runs, the more likely the character is to repeat the same mistakes from the pilot episode. It can be frustrating to watch.

This week in Houston, I learned a new song written by the worship leader, Will Taylor. The lyrics got to me. I could not get it out of my head and either could the others on the trip. The song starts out. "This is not about me, this is not about me, Jesus You are the King, Without You I am nothing". Honestly, at first I thought it was going to be a cheesy song. "Father forgive me, I am full of excuses. I want my walk to have consistency...I want my life with You to have integrity." When we started singing those lyrics, my heart started to really listen to the words I was saying. Then the part that got to me... "I am an adulterous, faithless bride, Yet you love me still...forgive me for saying I love You then running away; For singing and praying to You, then worshiping me"

The song touched me for a lot of reasons. I just finished reading Francine Rivers Redeeming Love, which is a retelling of Hosea. Until I sung those song lyrics, I was not really sure how Gomer's situation applied to me. I am like a character from the an over-dramatic TV show. If you were watching my life, you would be screaming and throwing your pillow at the TV. Really, the same sin again? Yes, really. I used to be that silly girl from the horror movies that walks right toward the killer because she is to naive to know danger is behind the door. At least I am not that girl anymore. Right? I am now the girl who knows my mistakes and repeats them, a little less extreme each time but same mistake and same sin. Maybe that girl deserves a few more pillows thrown then the horror-film girl?

The funny thing about real life is that there will always be "dramatic irony". Only God knows the entire picture. He sees things I don't. He also sees me making the same mistakes over and over again. He sees me opening up the door even though I know danger lurks behind and I should flee. He sees me chasing after things I know are wrong, but chasing anyway. He sees me relive pain over and over again because I didn't learn the first time. He doesn't yell or throw pillows. He loves me still. Why? How could Hosea love Gomer? How could God forgive again and again? Especially knowing that I will never get it perfectly. That is love. I have no idea what the big picture of my life looks like, but so far it would make one frustrating TV show! Just like the song lyrics, I am the girl who sings and prays to Him, but worships my way of doing things. I am so full of excuses. I don't want my life to be an ABC Family Seventh-Heaven spin-off, but it’s about time I listen to God's direction and learn from the past.