The Green Pen Self

I haven't blogged in forever. So long, in fact, that my own blog is not even bookmarked on my browser. There are multiple reasons for why, one reason that I have realized the past months how many people from different areas of my life have access to my blog. I never blog about things I'm ashamed about, but for some reason the reality of it gave me writers block. The second being that I am "working" on a big blog. I have been "working" on it for a year now. Or shall I say God has been working on it. I'm waiting for the end of the story and it will hopefully arrive soon. Patience is difficult.

Since I'd rather not just blog about my not blogging (boring), I finally decided on a topic to blog on...The Green Pen Self...

The past years (post-college) have stretched my faith like no other. I journal every night and occasionally go back and read past entries. Sometimes it even amazes me how little has changed over the years. But the past few weeks I have had a slightly different experience.

For the new year, I decided to go back and finish a Beth Moore study on David that I never completed. I knew it was from years ago, but it wasn't until a couple lessons in that I figured out when. As I do the study each day, I use a notecard to cover up the green pen answers scribbled years ago and write in my new answers neatly in black. Then I compare.

The factual questions still produce the same answers, of course. But the questions about struggles-not so much. I am learning more from past answers than current. The study is from my very first year out of college- that first year in seminary. Each green answer is a perfect Sunday school answer. As the study examines Saul's jealousy and pride, it asks questions about my own. The "green" self says she doesn't really struggle with pride and is rarely jealous. The "green " self didn't even bother to finish the book that year because quiet times became non-existant in the seminary world. The "green" self became so jealous of friends moving on with life while she was still in school that she almost lost all friendships. The "green" self ignored all the probing questions about pride and jealousy...too prideful to even notice. And pride comes before the fall- the book remained incomplete as well as almost every other attempted quiet time material for a few years after that.

If only I could have seen that what so clearly leads up to the years of struggle I allowed myself to have. Those who know me well or knew me then no the huge trials through seminary and trying to figure out my call to teach and work with youth. God had to use such extremes to humble me- things that to this day people cannot ever believe happened. Every night as I "redo'" my study, I think back- how I wish the "black pen" self could have been there to tell the "green" pen self a thing or to.

This may not mean much nor make sense to those who have met me after this time period. But for those who knew me in the "green" years, I could not be more sorry for the way I treated others...so many great friendships were lost at my own pride . And for those who still are there, I am amazed and thankful that somehow our friendship survived...obviously through God's power and not my own attempts at friendship. More than anything, I am thankful for God's grace as He constantly draws me back to Him. I can't wait to see what else He has to teach me through my "green" self.