Meeting the kids at last

At last, we’ve been able to hang out with the kids. Not only was it fun, but also it makes for better stories and pictures.
Saturday we went to the baby hospital. The babies were adorable but it was so hard to leave knowing that they will just stay in the crib all day with no one to play with them or hold them. Livada has set up a program to visit this hospital about three times a week just to love on the kids, teach them to walk and talk to them. I am so glad they have this, but it still breaks my heart to know that so many other hospitals exist without anyone to come at all.
Then we went to one of the orphanages, Zau. We were not allowed to take photos, but one of the little girls, Emilia, jumped in our car and used my camera to take a photo of us. She was a bit shorter than me, which is obvious from the angle ☺ The kids had so much fun playing with us and were fighting for attention. I taught a few girls some dances, threw a football, and enjoyed the swings, which were not made for my size people. There were a couple girls there who were deaf and a few of our team members knew ASL. Though it was a bit different then the sign they knew, it made there day to have people able to play and communicate with them. I am so excited to see the relationships that will be built there.
Today I went to church at First Baptist Targu Mures. It was actually very similar to Wedgwood’s format and music style (my church back in Texas). We had headsets to translate the sermon. I was so tired which made it really hard to stay awake, but I am excited to go there every week to see the Livada kids.
The next part of the day we went to the “Casas” to visit the Livada kids. For those of you who don’t know what I mean, Livada pulled three groups of orphans from the worst orphanage and started their own group homes for these kids. They have been in Livada’s care 3-4 years and are healing from the past. They live in a family-type setting with some natural siblings and some others. Livada funds the group homes through sponsorship of each child (let me know if you want more info on how to do this or go here...http://livada.org/learn_about_sponsorship.htm)
My family and I have been sponsoring a girl named Maria. I saw her very briefly last year and decided to sponsor her when I arrived back in TX. Today I was able to meet her again. She was so excited. We went for a walk and talked about the fun things she and I can do together this summer. I have weekends off and can visit her as often as I like. I can also help with her Sunday school class!. I asked her what she liked to eat and she quickly replied French Fries, especially McDonalds. I knew God had led me to the right girl ☺
And last of all, here is a pic of my room so you can see where I stay when I am not sleeping in a tent. And yes, it’s messy. It’s really great to wake up to the sun shining in every morning and to be able to unpack everything in all the space. I’ll update with a pic of the outside of the house someday when it’s finally not raining.

Targu Mures at last

I’ve arrived in Romania safely at last!
The trip here was relatively uneventful, with the only exception being a very thorough search of “my person” from German officials. It seems the foil gum wrapper that I forgot was in my pocket was very suspicious.
It is a very surreal feeling to be in the midst of a crazy school year, then a few very long plane rides later be in Romania. The reality of the next two months is yet to set in. I slept only about three hours total in the 22 hours of travel, so as you can imagine I am very tired.
We are staying at the same house my team stayed at last year. There is one big room and two smaller rooms. I have a smaller room with another girl. We have tons of shelf space/drawers and so I was already able to unpack all my stuff. There are two bathrooms for twelve females for the first four weeks, so we will see how things work in the mornings.
This week we are mainly setting up the campsite to get things ready for the kids. It will be hard work and is not in my area of expertise. I remember trying to set up a tent at D-NOW this year as part of a race and I am pretty sure our group had to give up because we were taking close to twenty minutes. Perhaps I am better at setting up military tents?
Pictures will come soon. So far we have only been to the city center and Metro, a big grocery store much like SAM’s Club. The city hasn’t changed, so I didn’t take any new pics, and I did not take any pictures at Metro because I was too busy trying to read Romanian nutritional labels.

Romania at last!

At last its time to go to Romania!
I can't wait. This blog will be completely transformed into Romania updates for the next few months. I'll update with pics as soon as I arrive. More to come soon...

Memorial Day

Last night I celebrated Memorial Day, not at a party, but really celebrated the holiday. Kansas City is the home of the National World War I Memorial. With the Holocaust, Pearl Harbor, and all the other dramatic and fascinating things about WWII, most tend to forget what WWI was even about. It took a lot of brain power to think back to my days of High School history class and remember the who, what, when, where and why of the war. Actually, I could not remember much. Thankfully the museum helped refresh my memory. (If ever in KC, I suggest you visit).It was supposed to be the war to end all wars. Obviously, it was not. The trench warfare claimed about 20 million lives.
The WWI Memorial is the site of an annual Memorial Day celebration, complete with the Kansas City symphony and fireworks. It was amazing. For those of you from TX, think Concert in the Gardens on July 4th, except with only $2 parking instead of $20+ tickets per person. The most amazing part about it was unique to this year's program- Frank Buckles, the only current living US WWI veteran. He enlisted in WWI at 17. He stayed in Europe for a few years after the war to help people recover and even went on to fight in WWII, spending most of it at a POW camp in the Philippines. Frank is 107 years old. Can you imagine the stories he can tell? It was amazing to see him sitting there. Somehow, it helped the message and purpose of Memorial day hit home. I admit, as they played a song for him a teared up just a bit.
Between that and playing songs of each military branch as those who served stood all around me, I realized how amazing it truly is. I am not and will never be a fan of war. I love my country, but I am not sure I have the dedication these men and woman have. So many lost their lives so that I can enjoy freedom. They truly deserved to be honored with more than just an outdoor cookout.


Frank Buckles, age 16 and last night.

Summer in Romania

Only a little over two weeks until I am in Romania.
For those of you curious, here is a video from last summer's camps.
I was there week 6 (so look for some pics of me). This year, I will be a part of all but one of the camps. I cannot wait to see what God does this summer.

If you want to receive prayer updates or if you would like to support these kids financially, please let me know. I will be using this blog for pics and updates this summer. Thanks for reading it and I know this summer it will be filled with wonderful stories of how God is at work in Romania.

Erin's Goals (November 1996)

During my sophomore year of high school, one of my teachers had us create a booklet of our goals. We had to create a one year goal, five year goal, and a ten year goal. I remember thinking it was a silly assignment because who knew what life bring. While home in Kansas, I stumbled across my booklet.
My one year goal was simple - good grades and physical fitness.
My five year goal was to be in college at K-State or Colorado State. Ok, the college changed to TCU but I would call that exceeding my goal.
My ten year goal was the most interesting. I remember writing it thinking it was so far into the future. Ten years from then was last school year, my first year teaching English full-time. I wrote in the booklet, "My ten-year goal is to have a job of either a journalist or a teacher...I think having either job would make my life seem more complete and allow me to have fun and enjoy my work..." I wrote this book a few weeks before I became a Christian. It amazes me that God took me down that same path, one He had laid on my heart even before I knew Him. It is somewhat odd to me that I didn't put anything about a husband or family...I am pretty sure at the time I thought that 26 would be too soon for marriage and a family. My idea of a complete life was having a job I love.
During the years that followed college, I had no desire to teach or write. I struggled with what I wanted to do with life. Its funny that I constantly wrestled with something I had apparently figured out in 10th grade. I am proud to say I achieved all my goals.
(Now perhaps its time to set new ones...one, five, and ten years.)

Trading in the "teacher clothes"

I just got back from a 2 hour trip to TJ Max, my new favorite store. A few weeks back I bought my Laundry brand "prom" dress there for $29.99 regularly $235. A few months ago, my mom and I bought some 7 jeans for only $50, regularly $170. No, I'm not trying to advertise for them, I just love big savings.
My summer in Romania will mostly be spent sleeping in M.A.S.H-style military tents and running around outside playing games. I decided my Ann Taylor LOFT teacher clothes, my fitted T-shirts and my LOFT and JCrew sweats would not do, partly because they are not made for sports, partly because either I've stretched out my sweatpants or shrunk me because they keep falling off. I really don't have anything else. So I hooked myself up with my credit card cashback bonus award in the form of a TJ Max gift card. Surely I could find some good stuff there and save money.
Today I stayed away from the dresses and jeans, despite serious temptation. I worked my way up and down the "active wear" area, a place I am not at all familiar with. To my delight, I found BCBG sweatshirt with a very cute design, regularly $130, only $30 for the top. What a great sweatshirt for Romania! It was only short-sleeved, but it was so "me". I carried it around the entire time, hunting for the matching pants. However I noticed the tag recommended dry cleaning. Hmm. Probably not what I need.
I am proud of me. It was very difficult to give up the designer brand, but I instead found a more practical wind and water resistant jacket, some black shorts, a pair of sweat pants that wont fall off, and few shirts made for sports. All of this was for less than one TJ Max-priced BCBG sweatsuit. And I still saved big - over $100 off original prices. I even found a USA soccer jersey that will fit perfectly in to our Olympics camp theme. My completely non-sporty self now owns real athletic gear instead of the fancy imitation stuff. Perhaps its the start of a less brand-obsessed me? Nah... I must confess, if I am going to give up my LOFT fashion for the summer and dress like an athlete, I will wear the best brand of active wear possible...all but one purchase was Adidas :)
Now if only wearing Adidas attire would make me a great athlete...at least I'll look the part.

New Kids on the Block aren't so new anymore...

this is not spiritual at all...but it needed to be said...
When I was in 4th grade, I was in love with Joey McIntyre...or so I thought.
Since then, the band that later became NKOTB disappeared from the spotlight. Boybands took over the airwaves, and still not a sound or song from my favorite boy band. Now finally at last, they are making a comeback.
New Kids on the Block are not so new and not at all kids though...the youngest is about 35 now. I'm not sure how that will go over with fans. I am willing to bet some of their youthful charm has faded. Most young girls don't find themselves drooling over 30-40 somethings.
Although the new single doesn't sound too bad, the lyrics are lacking...
Listen to how the lyrics describe a girl the first time they met during a Summer romance in 1988... "With your flip flops, half shirt, short shorts, mini skirt, Walkin' on the beach, so pretty..." Have you ever seen a girl wear short shorts AND a mini skirt? I know the 80s and early 90s had some odd fashion, but I don't even think its possible. Maybe the song writer meant that the girl was wearing a skort? Very popular back in '88. (I'm sure that's not what the writer meant, but could he not have come up with another article of clothing to fill the beat that made more sense?)
Then there is this one...
"I was like, "hey, girl, can I get your number" I remember what you told me too, "Don't call after ten" But you know that I did, 'Cause I couldn't stop thinkin' 'bout you." TOO and YOU rhyme...I will give them that.
Props for trying to fit big words like "reminisce" into a song. I'll stop with the lyrics there because who knows if the New Kids had anything to do with writing the song.
It actually reminds me of Justin Timberlake's Summer Love...perhaps a sequel to the song, years later when the young 20 year old subject of Summer Love is nearing 40 and having a mid-life crisis :).
If you're going to make a comeback after almost 20 years of absence, you really need an amazing song. This is not it. My loyalty is still to Joey though, so I will try my best to enjoy the song.
Then and Now (honestly, I think its an improvement for most of them)

From the pages of my journal...

Tonight I spent an evening in, to work on some cleaning and organize some stuff for Romania. In my search for my power adapter, I came across my journals, my 16 journals, a record of my life from 2000 until now. Curiosity drew me in and I began to flip through the pages of each one.
I remember many times in my life where I felt like I hit rock bottom and wondered how I ever got to that point. I came across a few of those entries which were interesting, however I found that if flipped back a few months, there was the answer. I always knew I was headed the wrong direction.
My most recent struggle seemed to come out of nowhere. I flipped back to a journal from years ago, the month that I began this situation that I currently struggle with. These are real words day by day for about a month and half when my problems started. It keeps going for a year of journaling. I am amazed at my lack of wisdom and how I let myself just walk into a problem. I realized tonight that I should probably pay attention to what I have been journaling... These are my words from the beginning of a serious time of spiritual struggle:
"What fun tonight. But what danger...."
"I am making poor social decisions..."
"This needs to end. 5 nights of no journaling..."
"This lifestyle is pointless...I am in no way growing spiritually..."
"My quiet times are slowly disappearing..."
"Friendship should be so much deeper than socializing..."
"What is the point of all this? None of this will last..."
"Responsible decision making would be nice, but..."
"My mind knows nothing about what it wants..."
"This isn't working. What is the point...this is NOT drawing me closer to You..."
"I scarcely remember who I was..."
"I am scared about who I am capable of becoming..."
"This confuses me...I feel like I am becoming someone I'm not..."
"I am setting myself up for extreme disappointment..."
"What am I becoming?..."
"Who am I and what am I doing?...."
"What is this drama?..."
"Obviously, I am straying from You, but..."
"Fix me...I don't know what I think of feel anymore..."
"I don't want this life..."
"I need to be changed..."
"More church. No growth. An endless pattern..."
"I don't want to be a part of this..."
"A wasted day..."
"I left. I don't want to go back...only back to You..."
"I barely remember who I was..."
"I cannot do this anymore..."
As I began to struggle, and the same struggle filled my journal for over a year. My first reaction seeing this was that I am an idiot. How sad that I clearly knew God's direction but followed after my own desires? I know I did not guard my heart from these problems. I know I made selfish decisions that obviously affected my journaling and relationship with God. I am back on track now, still needing to grow and heal, but hopefully I will not allow myself to be so blinded again.

Perhaps my job is better than I thought...

For some reason, today I was thinking about a few things I love about my job that would be hard to duplicate anywhere else:

I have a 15 minute highway-free commute to work.

My bank is less than a minute drive away.

The post office is less than a minute drive away.

I get to dress up fancy for prom every year.

I get summers off.

Instead of staring a boring computer, I get to interact with teenagers who are unpredictable make me laugh so much (on good days that is, when they are awake!)

Highs and Lows

Every Friday, my students and I do this thing called "Highs and Lows"...the best part and worst part of your week. The rule is you cannot share a "low" without a "high" because its not good to focus on just the negative. I realize when it comes to my job, I have not been doing that...so here are some "Highs" from the year...names are changed for legal reasons :)

Manuel read the book Night completely on his own and loved it. He told me it was the first book he read since Green Eggs and Ham. He was so excited. He and I had many great conversations during and after the book. As the term unfolded, he dropped out to work full time. Although I wish he was still in school, Manuel is determined to be a good father to his newborn son. I am glad I got to make an impact on his life before he left.

James transformed himself into an amazingly convincing lawyer, defending Jack Merridew for his alleged crimes in Lord of the Flies. Not only was it wonderful acting that belonged in a court drama, but this gangster had everyone entertained. He had rarely succeeded in school and loved that he was able to do so well on the project. He also loved that he had a chance to carry out his dream to be an entertainer. (Unfortunately he was so good at it because he has had a bit too much experience in court and I think that is why he is no longer at our school...hopefully I will see him back next year).

Selena, who hated my class and me the first term, was in trouble in all her classes often for anger problems and fighting. She has passed all my classes and is starting to open up to me. She read ahead in our class book (Night) just because she wanted to during TAKS week and she is starting to show some of her real emotions, especially when we talked about abuse. I can tell its a part of her story and I am praying for more chances to talk to her.

John and his brother dropped out of school at the beginning of the year, shortly after their fifteenth birthdays, and have been out all year. They just came back last week. Although they are disappointed to be in the same class yet again, (tends to happen when you drop out in the middle of a term) John has a really good attitude this time around- I think he is finally mature enough to make it this time around.

David is one of the smartest students I have seen at my school. Last term, he skipped often and seemed to be on drugs every day. He never did his work and did not seem to care. I know he had some serious legal intervention, which may seem bad from his perspective, but now he is such a blessing to my class. He is doing all his work and wanting to research the Holocaust above and beyond what we learn in class. He is teaching me new things each day. He keeps me on my toes and calls me out on anything I don't seem to know well (a lot more than it should be). He is on his 4th year as a 9th grader and I think he is finally ready to move to 10th grade!

Amanda, one of the angriest looking girls I have ever seen, was placed in my advisory. The first time I saw her, she was in a Playboy Bunny jacket (totally out of dress code) and I was afraid to say anything- she looked scary. I figured she would be trouble. But God had other plans. I have never had any student open up to me so much. She has shared so much of her struggles. This year, her son was born. She managed to get off drugs so she could be a good mother. She had her own mother taken from her a few weeks ago...her own mother who helped Amanda and all her sisters become drug addicts. Her 12 year old sister is in foster care and still using drugs. Amanda is determined to help influence her positively. She comes to me to talk almost daily.

Juan has been a student of mine since my very first term. He was in my writing class and refused to write any essays...so he failed. He and I started talking and I learned that when he was in 7th grade, his teacher told him his writing was horrible along with some other choice words. The teacher probably had a bad day and thought nothing of it. Juan had not written any essays since. In the last two years, through encouragement from teachers, Juan had the courage to write again and finally passed ELA TAKS. He still needs to write an essay for my English class, then he can graduate. Although he hates writing, Night was his favorite book so is going to write it. I will get to see him graduate in June! I am not sure I could be more excited for anyone else except maybe my own child someday. I cannot wait to see him walk across that stage!

Hi, I'm Erin and I'm from TEXAS????

something random that has been bugging me a lot...
For my mission trip this summer, I am listed as 'Erin from Fort Worth, TX'. I don't know why, but it really bugs me. I am and always have been from Kansas City. Initially, I wanted to write back and insist the leader change me to 'Erin from Kansas City, KS who happens to be flying from DFW airport'. That would obviously be ridiculous. I lived in KS for the first 18 years of my life but I have lived in TX for 8 years plus now. At what point does this become home? Am I really from Texas???!!!! AHHH! Perhaps its time to move :)

Back to the Future (or Present, that is...)

For those of you who don't know, I am going to spend 2 months living in Romania this summer. I am so excited, but I must admit my brain has already arrived in Targu Mures, Transylvania. Instead of focusing on the now, I am caught daydreaming about the possibilities all the time. It's not that I am worried about the summer, I am just longing to be there.
Some of my favorite verses that God keeps teaching me about are in James 4. Verse 13 begins...Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
I struggle with this so much. I constantly want to boast in what I think the Lord's plan must be. I have made that mistake a few times before, boasting about future plans. So many plans have been God's plans, but then I tweak them and add my own details as I daydream of how I think He can use me doing this or that. Is it evil? That seems harsh, but God has been pointing out a few sins in my life that have come as a result:
1. I don't trust Him enough to plan details. I hate that this is true. I feel I trust Him, but I also seem to love my ability to create daydreams. How sad is it that I would rather rely on my limited creativity for my life plans, than to rely on the unique designer mountains, sunsets, and all things beautiful and author of stories I could not even dream of writing...the plan of salvation as seen in prophecy and allegorically in the Old Testament, carried out in the New Testament and still seen today for just one small example :) My writing talent does not compare- I have a feeling He will write in much more amazing details.
2. Daydreaming about the future means I am not content with now. I am in no way unhappy. I just find that my imagination is much more exciting than His current work in my life. What am I missing out on? Perhaps I am bored with the now because I am not being obedient to the details and callings He wants to put in my life today.
I don't know that I can stop daydreaming altogether anytime soon...I think its part of being a girl. But I do know that I no longer want to miss out on the present. It's time to move my brain back to Fort Worth, TX until June rolls around and it's truly time to arrive in Romania mentally AND physically.

Growing up too fast

Last night, I was finally able to see the movie Enchanted. I secretly wanted to see it in theaters, but my 20-something peers had no desire to spend their hard earned dollars on Disney flicks. That is why I love working with youth. At the girls retreat last night, we piled into the youth room and watched Amy Adams sing her heart out on the projectors. Only Adams wasn't the only one singing. The girls could not sit still. By the time the song "How does He know that You love Him" came on, the girls were actually up dancing and skipping around the room. They had blankets and pillows waving everywhere as a line of girls followed the "leader" around in circles imitating the random people following Adam's character around in the movie. It made me smile.

I had a really long week at work. I was almost in tears with stress and frustration. (See the last post for just a tiny bit of the drama). I can't tell you what a blessing it was to leave my students and spend time with youth. The difference - the youth aren't afraid to still be kids. The girls skipping around singing were the exact same age as some of most my students - yet my students conversations tend to be about clubbing, drinking and drugs or worries about pregnancy, tickets, or problems with parents. As the youth sang and danced, I tried to imagine how my little gangsters would act if they were in the room.

It's actually really sad. Sometimes I wish I could pull my students aside from their conversations and tell them its okay to be young. What happened to good old fashioned fun? I remember some birthday parties in early high school that consisted of singing songs from Grease at the top of our lungs. This week, I walked by during a conversation of a group of girls were each was defending themselves, saying of course they were not still a virgin. Just the thought was insulting to them. I also listened to a student struggling with problems with CPS, and still another who is worried she will be serving jail time starting Monday. All of these girls were between 14-15.No, my peers were not perfect in high school, but our biggest worry was getting caught by parents. I don't ever remember anything more severe than that.

Friday afternoon, as I was walking around my classroom, something caught my eye. I was suprised to see a Hannah Montana keychain on my student's purse (let's call her Maria). I pointed to it and she smiled. "I'm a big fan" she blushed with embarrassment. I just smiled at Maria and told her that I think "Hannah" was very talented and love her songs. Maria gave me hope. My students may seem wild and stubborn sometimes, but they have been through so much and were forced to grow up too fast. Deep down, Maria and the other girls really still are kids. They long for those moments. And I long to see them in those moments.

(p.s. - As I wrote this BLOG I was watching my TIVO'd TXA 21 news from last night. Just as a finished, the part I was looking for aired. Some of our students were able to take a field trip to the station Friday. They were so excited when they got back. Friday night, their picture was shown on the news as the anchor talked about how great they were. Seeing their smiles in the picture on my TV just now was the best ending for this blog...it made me smile. What a great example of my high schoolers just being high schoolers)

The second time around...

Today grades were due. I love my job most days, but this was not one of those days. My students make some really poor decisions sometimes. It is amazing how they are unable to see the longterm effects of things. Each term, students are allowed 3 absences. If they miss more than 3 days, they may come to the opposite school session ANY day (AM students can come PM, PM to an AM) or they can make up classes after school, and the last few weeks they can even make up days on a Saturday. It takes 2 hours to make up a 4 hour absence. It is really not that hard to do. Twenty four of my students FAILED because they did not make up the days. Twenty four students will lose credit this term and need to repeat ALL 4 classes. Almost all of these students would have passed otherwise.
Seventeen students failed my class this term because they did not turn in the pages that they ALREADY FINISHED coloring all term long. They needed to glue the pages to a sheet of paper and turn it in to me by Friday. They had TWO days to GLUE! They will be repeating the entire term because they had a borderline low grade and didn't turn in their coloring. How sad!
Today, as we started term 4 classes, I was confronted by at least 5 students who were confused about their schedules. They were sure they had already studied Romeo and Juliet. Why yes, they did. And yes, they did understand it and do almost all the work. However, because poor attendance choices or one major assignment not turned in, they now need to do it ALL again. They are completely crushed, but they knew this back in Term 2 when they made the choice. It is amazing how the consequences suddenly set in. They felt no disappointment when they saw the failing grade on their Term 2 report card, but suddenly they realize what it means. For those students, today is the first of many boring days sitting in the same 4 classes for the second time around. And for some discouraged souls, its the fourth and fifth time around. I like Romeo and Juliet as much as the next person, but can you imagine learning it four times or more?
Each time this happens, I am not sure how to feel. Part of me has pity and wants to bump them up to passing this time around. I want them to have at least the hope of passing. But part of me knows that they need to learn to make good choices. I really don't have any deep spiritual thoughts when it comes to my students. I struggle between being the compassionate teacher giving hope or the disciplined educator producing students who excel. No matter how I feel, all 8 of my current classes have at least one person in each for whom it is the second time around.

Perspective

It amazes me how different cultures and upbringings have completely different perspectives. Working with at-risk teenagers, I often here a lot of things that cause me to rethink my own views. I am made aware of how judgmental I can sometimes be. Today I heard a judgment from a student that I cannot get out of my mind.
Many of my students are young mothers. This student...lets call her Amanda... is a 16-year-old with a 3-month-old son. Her own mother just had Amanda and her sister taken away and put into foster care because the state deemed Amanda's mother unfit. Its easy to pass judgment on her situation, but since I know her well, I have managed not to.
Today we were talking about Romania and the girl I sponsor. Amanda said she often sees the commercials for sponsoring children in other countries and is annoyed. She said, "I don't understand why we can't send them birth control instead...they obviously can't provide for their kids". She said the "problem" will not end unless they stop having babies. Until then, media will always have to beg people to send money overseas. She was sick of it all.
I could not believe it! I can't tell you how many people in my life have said the VERY SAME thing about Amanda and her family's situation, yet she had no clue. I had no idea how to respond. I decided to tell her a bit about perspective, and as nicely as possible explain that some people feel the same way about girls at our school...that they should be forced on birth control because they don't raise kids well. She listened, and knew that this was just information, not my opinion of her at all. I'm not sure she learned anything, but I sure was shocked at her attitude and am still sorting out my thoughts. Feel free to share any of yours...

Three right turns boarding don't make a left...they make you fall :)

I just returned from 3 days of snowboarding and I am very sore...to say the least. The last time I snowboarded, I was 18. I had my own board, matching "outfit" and the whole deal. That was 9 years ago. A lot has happened in 9 years, and luckily I am not the same person I was at 18. I like to see myself as more mature and wise. However I also learned that with that can come some negative.
On my first run, I was really nervous. I was not even sure I remembered how to get off the lift without falling. That would be an embarrassing way to start the day. Everyone saw that I had all the right stuff to be an expert snowboarder and I knew I would not measure up.
I somehow managed not to fall on my face, but when I strapped my board on at the top of the hill and headed down memories came back. I picked up speed and made a sharp turn to the right - flawlessly. I began to go straight and pick up speed again, but as I leaned left I suddenly hesitated and made another right turn. I was starting to go from fast to dangerously-close-to-a-wipe-out fast, so to slow down I turned right again. At this point I was almost in the trees on the right side of the mountain. I needed to head left. So I did what any snowboarder pretending to be an expert would do - I sat down on my butt and flipped my board over so that I was headed left. I went as far left as possible until it was time for my flawless right turn. I was headed for the trees on the right again and it was time to turn left or sit down on the mountain yet again. I sat down.
Somehow the memory of the pain after my very first snowboarding lesson came back. I knew if I turned left and fell, I would fall on my knees. The pain of sliding down an ice patch on my knees had me too scared to even try. The wisdom that had come with 9 years of aging told me to do whatever possible to avoid that pain. I ended up going down the mountain backward (left foot first instead of right). I made it down with minimal falling, but cheated the entire way down.
The next day I woke up determined to turn properly. I was in so much pain from taking the easy way out - I rode my back edge the entire day and my legs were sore. I went to the easiest slope I could find and practiced my turns. I realized that I did remember how to turn left, and every time I tried, I succeeded. The entire 3 days, I only fell once making a left turn. I fell more often when I was trying to "cheat" and avoid the turns. I wanted to write off my lack of ability to wisdom, old age, or pain but I knew the real problem was fear. At 18, I was not afraid of the pain. Somehow between 18 and 27, I learned to avoid anything that might hurt.
Sadly, life on this side of 18 looks a lot like that. I tend to avoid anything risky. It’s easy to mistake caution with fear. I think I am being wise, but really I am afraid. I moved to Fort Worth not knowing a soul, and loved it. Now I am still here and the idea of starting over somewhere else is so scary. The idea of a new job is 'unwise' because I have great benefits and coworkers (so I tell myself). But what if that's what God is wanting for me? Is my fear that I like to call "wisdom" causing me to disobey?
The Bible is filled with people being called to do scary and unwise things (unwise by our world's standards). I may like to say I am wise, but the real problem is a lack of faith. I feared turning left because I had no faith that I could succeed. Though I had fallen on my face a few times in my snowboarding life, I had no reason to believe that I would be permanently damaged by a few left turns. I might have fallen a few times, but overall my ability was reliable, I just needed faith. How much more true is that with God? My boarding ability is by no means flawless, so my faith in my boarding skills may disappoint. But God is perfect; when I take the risk and obey, He is faithful. He may allow some bruises along the way, but He will never let me down.

writer's block

~~~~i have no idea why its been so long since i have written...i will try to write more often now, even if its short and pointless every now and then :) ~~~~

O Holy Night

Driving home this Christmas season, I could not stop listening to the song "O Holy Night". The music is beautiful, but what really touches me is the lyrics. No Christmas songs brings me to a point of true worship like this song. The lyrics are amazing. The words are so perfect, not just speaking to the hope of Christmas, but of salvation. I wanted to dig deeper and find the origins of the song and share a little about what it means to me.


"Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn;"
Each time I hear these lines, I think of life before Christ. Not before the first Christmas; obviously I don't have any concept of the BC era. I think of the time in my life before Christ. I was pining for all the wrong things, stuck in my own sin, with no desire or hope for anything else in the world. I remember countless nights lying awake wondering and longing for a purpose. I felt life was pointless. Then Christ - suddenly He transformed my heart and my soul felt its worth. I had hope. I truly can’t help to fall on my knees and worship.

Now in the midst of walking the Christian life, I cling to these lyrics in the song -
"He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!"
How true! I so easily forget Christmas is about our Lord becoming human, (yet still fully God)
"For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because He himself suffered when he was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." (Heb. 2:17-18). He knows our weaknesses and trials, so easily I forget that He can help me through each struggle.

"Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease."
The last part meant little to me until I saw the film "Amazing Grace". If you haven't seen it, know that it is a must-see. It is the story of William Wilberforce and the end of the British slave trade. Even with what little I know about the battle to end the slave trade, I know that these lyrics were powerful and controversial for their time. Placide Cappeau, the writer of the poetic lyrics, was known for his extreme views against slavery. The song was often attacked not because of the lyrics, but because of his politics. Although I have no idea the specifics of his politics, I know that in 1847 claiming "Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother" would have caused many to be uneasy. How bold to include this truth in the midst of a worshipful Christmas song! I wonder how people reacted as they heard this third verse?

I learned that "O Holy Night" was the first song ever broadcast on the radio, on Christmas Eve 1906. Over 100 years later, we still hear it on the radio. It is such a nice break from the songs about Santa, presents and romance. I hope the song continues to remain a popular classic so that each Christmas I will be reminded of who Christ really is.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM)

Satire is one of my favorite forms of writing. The sarcastic side of me enjoys the careful art of exaggeration and extremely ridiculousness that is involved. However, I don't think I ever read a satire I did not at least partly agree with...until a few days ago.

I was first introduced to the concept of intelligent design at a D-Now I led a year ago. I must admit, I have not researched the details of it, but I know that it has caused controversy in my home state of Kansas; not surprising considering it mixes faith with science. I was amused and appalled all at once to learn of a satirical character known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

If you don't know the details, I encourage you to research more, but basically someone wrote a letter claiming that he believed intelligent design was not by the God of Christianity or any other major religion, but instead by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The letter mocks the idea of the universe being created by an unseen God. (see link in title)

"Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. ...He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is...what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease."

1 Corinthians 1:17-25 quickly came to mind. The Cross (and really all God's Word) is foolishness to those who are perishing. It is only through the Holy Spirit that I am able to begin to fathom God's Word and the great mysteries it entails. As annoyed as I was with the idea of the FSM, it so clearly illustrates Paul's point. How foolish we must look to others! Do I care that others see us, see me, as foolish? Honestly, sometimes I do.

God really used this FSM idea to remind me of how His wisdom and ways are truly higher than my ways, than earthly understanding (Isaiah 55:9). How easily I can forget that. I let my life reflect the values of the world so that things make sense logically. I do not worship any pasta deities, but I often do fall short in my faith as I trade God’s plan for my life for a more conventional story. I try to justify what I think fits the world AND my faith. However, God has not asked me to understand all those hard topics that seem contradictory by logic or science – creation, trinity, etc. I am humbled and reminded of Job’s confession. "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know." Job 42:3

The turning point

A few weeks ago, after hearing a motivational speech from Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz author), I had a brilliant blog in my head. However, after weeks of processing it has been slightly tweaked.
Miller spoke about life as a story, and the essential need for an exciting plot and conflict. Immediately the plot triangle ran through my head. Plot- Introduction, Rising Action, Climax/Turning Point, Falling Action, Conclusion.
That is one of the many Word Wall words I test my students on. I never suspected it would show up at a Christian conference. I taught plot all week and the last thing I needed on a Friday night was a repeat of my own lessons. I was not looking forward to his talk. However, he had some interesting points. He challenged the crowd to not settle for a mundane ordinary story, but seek out a story that would make a difference in the world. He explained how movies and stories we love are full of conflict, not ordinary.
All I could think about was how easily we, females especially, settle for a 1-star-movie storyline. Almost every girl longs for a chick-flick like romance story. But how many chick-flicks make millions at the box office? Titanic made millions, but the guy dies. Who wants that story? The ordinary happily-ever-after story is only mildly interesting. Somehow we have bought in to the lie that the best story to have is a romance. There is so much more.
The story that came to mind was The Hiding Place, the story of Corrie Ten Boom. The film version, made in 1975, is a little slow. However, it can hold the attention of my at-risk students just as much as any other big budget movie. Why? Because it is an amazing story about how someone made a difference. They don't understand much about the reasons Corrie does what she does, they just know there is something gripping about the story. Corrie never marries, but her story is so much better than a romance. God uses her in great ways. Would I be willing to trade in my mediocre dream plot for one more timeless and impactful?
As Miller challenged us to pray for a new mission, a powerful story, I thought about my story. I'm an English teacher named Erin working with at-risk high school students inspiring them with stories about life and the Holocaust. Sound familiar? I saw that movie last year. It's been done...Freedom Writers. Not only that, but in the movie, Erin looses McDreamy because she is so devoted to her students. That WILL NOT be my story. I left the conference convinced I needed a NEW story. I was ready to blog away all you have just read.
A few weeks later, God has taught me a lot. Work is crazy right now. Not crazy like I'm a teacher and I'm busy, crazy like the demands are so extreme that so many other teachers even tell me to leave. As my coworkers stressed, I managed to stay stress free but became really discouraged. All I could think about was a better story. Anyone could do my job. I would be much better off serving somewhere like Romania, New York City, or in some youth ministry. I wanted out of my current story.
The past few days at work haven't been any better or worse than any other. But I love my students. I enjoy teaching them so much. Perhaps I am not in need of a new story. Perhaps God is just teaching me through my current situation to prepare me for a turning point. My job will not be forever; I know that already. Who knows, maybe this is my last year? Or maybe there are a few more year in me? I think I'm ready for the turning point now, but honestly at this point I don't even know what the story is about. My story has just barely moved past the introduction and is now into the rising action. The turning point will come soon enough. I may not know what genre of story I am in, but I know that the stories God creates are never mediocre.

Off Limits

Adam and Eve. Every Sunday-school-raised child has heard the story many times and knows all the "church answers" to all the right questions. You can imagine my disappointment when I found that my Sunday school class had 4 lessons over Adam and Eve. How on earth does one drag out the story for 4 weeks? I'm pretty sure I shared my discouragement with all my fellow Sunday school teachers. I knew I would need to fill in the lessons with a little extra.
The Word of God is powerful and active, sharper than any double edge sword. It's amazing how easy it is to forget that the 'familiar' stories we read in children's Bibles are part of the powerful word of God. As I was reading over my lesson material, God really started to get a hold of my heart. As I looked at the lesson material about God's covenant with Adam, the typical questions were listed. What would you have liked most about living in the garden (most the kids said being naked to this one...haha) and other shallow questions of the sort. But then a deeper question stood out to me. The lesson started to focus on God's provision and Adam's call to obedience. The question asked, "Are there areas in your life that God has labeled "off limits" but that you continue to pursue?" Right away God convicted me. I could not get it out of my head.
Did Adam and Eve pursue the tree of knowledge of good and evil? Maybe. They were obviously near enough to the tree to be tempted into sin. They had no reason to doubt God's boundaries, and maybe they did not pursue it, but they did not resist the temptation either.
I can't even begin to list the countless things I have KNOWN God said no about and yet I sought after. The church answer didn't work with this question. Usually the kids list things like the Ten Commandments. "Thou shall not kill" is off limits to me (and all people), but I do not struggle here because I do not in any way struggle with the desire to kill...church answers don't fit what God was trying to tell me.
God has called me to avoid some very specific things that I cannot stop chasing after. The hardest part is that the specific things God says no to in my life are often good things, great things even, but not things He has for me. No one knows I am pursuing sin because no one else knows that God has set that particular thing as "off limits" for me. The details are not for important for blogging to the world, but I know I find myself struggling with the same sins over and over again as I pursue jobs, guys, and friendships that God has specifically closed doors to. (See my "Screaming and throwing pillows at the TV" entry) I fall in to temptation and find myself asking God why I am again in this situation. I know He has my best in mind; I know He has an amazing plan for me, but somehow the rebellious child in me can't resist. It's almost as if I think that maybe, just maybe this time I'm right and He's not.
Every time I read the story of Adam and Eve, I thought about how easily they seemed to sin. There were so many other trees to eat from. It was the only thing God said no to. As I put the story in to perspective of my own life, God has given me so much freedom in Him and said no to very few of my desires. How is it that I continue to pursue those very few things He says no to? I dance around with temptation and run to God acting shocked when I fall on my face and give in. The solution? There is no easy answer, but I find the more I pursue Him, the more I am able to trust that the boundaries He has for me will ultimately change my character to be more like His.

Romania Journals (all week is one LONG post!)

This is mostly just a summary of my trip to Romania. Most of the things God taught me are written in my journal.
Perhaps I will add more later, but for now this is a glimpse of what my trip was like

July 22 – Travel to NY
The first two flights were uneventful, mostly spent reading Harry Potter. However, my short layover in Atlanta was not 40 minutes, but 5! God really answered prayer there because I only made the flight because the gates were right next to each other. I must admit, as I sat with my luggage at LaGuardia airport waiting to transfer to JFK I longed to spend some time in New York City. I wanted to stay and do ministry in a city that has been my passion for years. Looking out the window of the plane, I knew right away we were flying over Queens. I know NYC. God quickly reminded me that the world is drawn to NYC. So many desire to be there, including those who feel called to minister. So many groups long to change NYC. But who is drawn to Romania? Who has that same passion for His children there? My passion for NYC will not fade, but my new passion for Romania becomes stronger each day.

July 22/23 – the flight to Hungry and Romania
I met my team in JFK and was too tired to talk much. We exchanged names and that was it. None of them sat near me on the flight. I sat next to a Hungarian woman who did not seem to know any English. In the midst of the 8-hour flight I woke up just long enough to be tempted by a delicacy I have avoided for so long. The in-flight meal was some random cheese pasta or chicken. I could have neither. I ate my stale role then examined my dessert. Cheesecake. Sometimes I like to try new things that I know I should not have, but this is one a have avoided for years. I knew I would love it. Since there was nothing else to eat, I gave it a try. It was delicious. An airplane slice of cheesecake was amazing. I can’t imagine what ‘real’ cheesecake taste like (real being Cheesecake Factory). Hopefully in the future I will be able to resist temptation, but for the plane ride over it was just enough to not be too much protein yet keep my stomach satisfied.
I slept the rest of the fight; I had no memory of the two movies and the candy bars others told me of later. What a loss, I needed chocolate! When we arrived in Budapest, we had about a six-hour layover so I fell asleep on the floor of the airport, using my carry on bag as a pillow.
The plane to Targu Mures was small and the flight was only an hour. Looking out the plane window I saw beautiful mountains and open land. I was wide-awake and ready for whatever God had for me. I knew customs was the next step, so I silently prayed as we landed and moved into the short line. The customs agents in the tiny airport did not seem too concerned with me. They asked if we had anything to declare without ever even telling us what types of items should be declared. Since we all had the nifty Livada luggage tags, all our bags were pulled into one group and none of us were even carrying our own stuff. They searched one big supply bag and that was it. After all was done, we realized that some of the bags were missing. Two of my teammates were missing all their stuff. The bags did not arrive until Wednesday morning. Although it was hard for them, it reminded me that God truly was answering a prayer by allowing my food and formula to arrive safely. I know that I could not take that for granted, it was God, not the airlines, that assured my bags made it safely to Romania. It was a huge answer to prayer.
We were taken to the Livada offices and fed dinner, then to our Guest House. It was a nice house with bunk beds and plenty of room. That night we learned quickly that its best to sleep with the windows open – it was so hot. Romania was experiencing temps in the 100s and we had no AC. It was crazy.

July 24 - Waterpark
I learned first thing in the morning that Romanians do not like their refrigerators as cold as we Americans enjoy. My formula was only a bit cooler then room temperature. Luckily this trip I learned the art of freezing my formula for an hour before I needed it. This proved to work the entire trip, except for one time when I forgot about it and froze it solid! After solving the problem, drinking my formula became rather easy, which was again a huge answer to prayer.
Today was the day we took the kids to a water park called The Weekend. We met the interns and translators at the office and paired into our groups. I was put in the best group of all, CTU, known of course for the famous Jack Bauer. Other groups were CIA, FBI, NSA, MI-5, SAS, SIE, etc. All of it fit quite well with the MissionPossible theme. We walked to the water park (a few pools and a few slides) and met the kids’ busses. The kids we had came from two groups, some from group homes and some from an orphanage called Ludus, the worst of all the orphanages in the area. I was paired with two teenage girls, Ana Maria, 15 and Adriana, 16. It amazed me how much they resembled the teens I work with here. They laughed at people in funny swimsuits (Did you know Romanians love to wear thongs to the beach…not the flip-flop kind! And many like to go topless). They checked out the guys. We even joined some of the guys for cokes. The boys insisted on buying for me too with what little money they had. While we sat and drank cokes, Adriana text messaged others. In the background the radio played Akon and I noticed that we were listening to KissFM, the same little station jingle and everything. If it weren’t for the thong Speedos, I might have forgotten I was in another country.
After saying goodbye to the kids we showered and headed off to McDonalds. I walked up to the counter and said “Large coke, large fries” only to be greeted with a blank stare. Oh yeah, this is Romania The Large Coke part was understood but I needed an intern to order my fries for me. Oops. The entire day felt was like that, I kept forgetting where I was. I kept forgetting the kids’ background as well, they seemed so normal. God had to constantly remind me of why I was there. I needed a lot of spiritual preparation before leaving for camp.

July 25- Camp Day 1
Camp was in a town called Vetca. It was a Hungarian town in Romania, meaning no one spoke Romanian. Livada built a kitchen, bathroom, and showers on the land they owned. The “cabins” were actually military tents complete with cots.
Someone brilliantly decided to put foam on the cots so they were actually very comfortable.

Since the theme was MissionPossible, secret agents welcomed the kids and informed them of the week’s mission. After they unpacked the day was full of random rec games and even a trip to town for ice cream. It was much like any youth camp. The kids were hesitant to play the games at first, but after a while they had a blast. My team consisted of Ana Maria and Adrianna, Levi, Nicolette, Ciocio (ok not really sure how that’s spelled) and Gabor.
Gabor is deaf and has grown up in the orphanage with little ability to communicate with the others. I was real impressed with the kids’ patience as everyone tried there best to make up signs so that Gabor was a part of every game. The kids did so well together that I almost felt useless. I had a blast, but my role was small and I knew nothing of the language.
The food part was a fun challenge. The kitchen was small and the cooks knew NO English. I knew NO Romanian. It was a comic sight. I had to find ways to “sign” to communicate butter, plate, knife and towel. I actually ended up with a spoon instead of a knife, but it worked. I never did figure out spatula so I turned over my tortillas with the spoon! The cooks were great though and willing to help however they could. It was such a relief to have such support from them.
We let the kids shower that night and then after a campfire and smores and Emi’s wonderful leading of “Jump, shake your bootie” we headed off to bed in the cold with no showers. Instead of sweating all night we were bundled up in sweats and socks. It was a very welcome change.

July 26- Camp Day 2
The second day of camp was hard. It started off with a team workout (which actually resembled dancing) then breakfast, then a hike up the mountain. The hike was difficult but proved to provide some amazing photos.


After the hike and lunch we played the worst game ever…ok, not really, it was a blast but WAY too much running for me. We ran around finding secret agents, only we had to find them in the right order. They were spread all around camp so if you found them too soon you had to run back later. I was about to fall over by the end, but team CTU managed to get third place.
Since we were running low on water, instead of having the kids shower we let them slip and slide. There was soap and water, so close enough! The ones who joined in had fun and most the others got caught up in throwing buckets of water onto people.
That night was the best part of the trip. Each of the leaders took some time to pray for the students. The kids had no clue what I was praying out loud over them, which gave me such a freedom, it really was just God and me. As I was waiting to pray for one of the kids, they all began to be restless and started laughing and whispering. When I approached Levi I put my arms around him as he laughed. The first thing I prayed was that he would take it seriously even though he had no idea what I was saying. I prayed for many things, but mostly for God to make him a great leader. All the kids follow him and I know that God can and will use him for such great things. The entire time a prayed he sat calmly. When I was done, he found one of the other leaders who had not prayed for him yet and asked for prayer. To everyone’s surprise he also offered to pray for her. She knows a lot of Romanian so she was able to tell that Levi thanked God for brining her to work with them and prayed that God would bless her marriage. It was obviously not a formula prayer. Levi was praying his heart. It was amazing to see God working in him. God gave me an immediate glimpse of how he was answering my prayer for Levi. It was such a blessing to be a small part of his life.

July 27- Ropes Course
Friday we took the kids to a rope course, high ropes that is. Anyone who knows me knows that this stuff is not my thing. Most my group seemed like they didn’t want to try anything. I was a little worried about what the day would look like. I helped out at Jacob’s Ladder, a ladder that takes the teamwork of two people to climb. I watched the boys venture to the top successfully, even Gabor with his limited ability to communicate with his partner. Then my girls decided to try. I was so proud of them. Everyone in my group made it to the top. After lunch, it was my turn. Heights don’t scare me at all; I’m just not very strong. I wasn’t afraid of going up and falling, I was afraid of not getting to the top. One of the many ways I am still so prideful. It was hard work but I was able to make it. (I can’t say the same about the climbing wall though; I can’t seem to master those!) The day was very laid back and the kids had so much fun completing tasks they didn’t think possible.


The last hour it finally sunk in that we were not going to see the kids again. Goodbye doesn’t really fit the situation. Perhaps I will be back in March or the summer. Maybe not. Honestly I was not sad because I have never felt so much confidence in a ministry before. I KNOW that Livada staff will continue to be a part of the kids’ lives throughout the year. Even if I never make it back, these kids will be ministered to. I allowed God to use me this week but I was merely a vessel. So many others will come and be used by Him in the same way. I hope I will be back soon, but I love knowing that so many others are obediently responding to His call in the lives of these orphans.
That night back in Mures we cleaned up (first showers since Tuesday night) and headed out to dinner. Another group from Livada was at the restaurant before us and must have eaten all the food. Half the food we tried to order they were ‘sold out’ of. It was a bit of true Romanian culture. It was a fun evening, but everyone knew the trip was ending and no one was ready.

July 28 –Ludus
We woke up early and drove to Ludus, the orphanage about half the campers live at. I wish we could have seen Ludus before we met the kids. They did not allow us in but the outside was very telling, everything looked run down. Ciocio and Levi were the only ones from my group at Ludus so I was not sure what to expect. Levi greeted me with a big hug but Ciocio asked for Kimber, the other leader. Seconds later one of the girls took my hand. Claudia had gone to camp another week but felt an attachment to me. She seemed to think I would make a great football partner (soccer). I had a blast kicking around the ball and playing on the rusty swings. My favorite part of the day was then one of the Livada staff members handed out bags of clothing. She had bought them tons of clothes; most of the girls’ clothes came from Forever21. The girls were so excited to try on their new outfits, which were very trendy. The boys’ faces lit up when she pulled out Adidas shirts. Levi was so proud of his Adidas shirt that he put it on right then. One little boy was so excited about his new pair of tighty-whities. I wish I had a picture of him, but no photos are allowed there. It was humbling and heartbreaking all at once to see where they lived and get a small glimpse of what life was like for them. I really didn’t want to leave, but once again was able to leave knowing God has placed so many faithful servants there to minister.
After Ludus we spent some time shopping for souvenirs, only about 2 hours total which was not nearly enough time…if you didn’t get anything now you know why. We joined the interns for a cookout and said some goodbyes. Honestly the people I needed to say goodbye to were not there. Kimber, my intern, left early, Radu, Dana and Emi, the Romanians on team CTU were all absent as well. It was discouraging not to be able to say goodbye and tell them how much I appreciated them but hopefully my many thanks on Friday was enough. That night we slept for 3 hours then headed out to the airport.

July 29/30 – Flight Home
On the flight back I was able to sit by Katie, which was such a blessing. It was so great to sit next to someone who spoke English! More than that, it was great to just sit and talk about the week and all God had been teaching us both. Our flight landed late due to weather and so our team parted ways very quickly right after customs…it was the fastest I have ever given hugs and there was no time for words! After paying way too much money for a cab so I could make my flight at LaGuardia, I found out my flight was delayed and I would not make the Atlanta connection. I was so tired that I burst into tears at the agents counter. It did not help that they were very rude. My sister saved the day and got me a hotel in Atlanta. I slept so well, the first time sleeping in AC in a week. My bags made it to Dallas at about 8am and I made it back at about 1pm. I was so sure I did not have jet lag. I took a nap at 4pm and except for a brief phone call/visit I don’t really remember (sorry Kristen) I slept until 6:30am.

screaming and throwing pillows at the TV

Grey's Anatomy. I had never seen the show before Saturday. I just finished watching Disc One of Season TWO. I have a long way to go but I can already tell what the rest of the episodes will be like. As the season goes on, I will want to scream and throw my pillow.

Dramatic irony is my favorite "nerdy-English-teacher" element and the Grey's audience always knows what’s going on but the shows' characters know very little about the whole picture. Even when they do know the facts, I sometimes want to sit back and yell at them. How could they be so stupid? They go back and forth on decisions and seem to repeat mistakes. I'm not just talking about Grey's anymore. Most drama shows are like that. The more seasons the show runs, the more likely the character is to repeat the same mistakes from the pilot episode. It can be frustrating to watch.

This week in Houston, I learned a new song written by the worship leader, Will Taylor. The lyrics got to me. I could not get it out of my head and either could the others on the trip. The song starts out. "This is not about me, this is not about me, Jesus You are the King, Without You I am nothing". Honestly, at first I thought it was going to be a cheesy song. "Father forgive me, I am full of excuses. I want my walk to have consistency...I want my life with You to have integrity." When we started singing those lyrics, my heart started to really listen to the words I was saying. Then the part that got to me... "I am an adulterous, faithless bride, Yet you love me still...forgive me for saying I love You then running away; For singing and praying to You, then worshiping me"

The song touched me for a lot of reasons. I just finished reading Francine Rivers Redeeming Love, which is a retelling of Hosea. Until I sung those song lyrics, I was not really sure how Gomer's situation applied to me. I am like a character from the an over-dramatic TV show. If you were watching my life, you would be screaming and throwing your pillow at the TV. Really, the same sin again? Yes, really. I used to be that silly girl from the horror movies that walks right toward the killer because she is to naive to know danger is behind the door. At least I am not that girl anymore. Right? I am now the girl who knows my mistakes and repeats them, a little less extreme each time but same mistake and same sin. Maybe that girl deserves a few more pillows thrown then the horror-film girl?

The funny thing about real life is that there will always be "dramatic irony". Only God knows the entire picture. He sees things I don't. He also sees me making the same mistakes over and over again. He sees me opening up the door even though I know danger lurks behind and I should flee. He sees me chasing after things I know are wrong, but chasing anyway. He sees me relive pain over and over again because I didn't learn the first time. He doesn't yell or throw pillows. He loves me still. Why? How could Hosea love Gomer? How could God forgive again and again? Especially knowing that I will never get it perfectly. That is love. I have no idea what the big picture of my life looks like, but so far it would make one frustrating TV show! Just like the song lyrics, I am the girl who sings and prays to Him, but worships my way of doing things. I am so full of excuses. I don't want my life to be an ABC Family Seventh-Heaven spin-off, but it’s about time I listen to God's direction and learn from the past.

Trials or Consequences?

**warning...this is the longest blog every. sorry. i wrote this for me, not really anyone else. feel free to read it, but no hard feelings if you can't make it through all my thoughts**

Trials and tribulations. I love turning to the book of James during hard times. I cling to the hope that trials will grow my faith. What I am about to write is something that God has been teaching me and I have been sorting out in my head. Since this is a blog and the world can see, the details will be spared so as not to gossip, but here is what I am sorting out in my head. If I have points that don't fit scripture, please call me out on it. I am still learning so much about this.

A few years back, I went through some really hard times. I even decided to write a paper for class about sin and suffering because of it, partly because I wanted to see what God's word said on the topic and partly because I had never previously studied the book of Job. Every time I read the book, I find myself so annoyed by his friends. I am tempted to skip over those chapters and get to Chapter 38 where God starts to talk. I think what annoys me the most is that his friends say that his trials were because of sin. The book of Job opens with a rather unusual conversation between Satan and God. It is revealed that Job is in a trial. Job continued to praise God and even asks, "Have I sinned?"(Ch 7). I have no idea what his tone is like during all of this but scripture is clear that Job did not sin in this and is not suffering a consequence of his sin but a trial, which ultimately grows his faith. In a society where suffering was viewed as a direct result of sin, I could see why this would be a hard concept to grasp. (See John 9:2 for a direct example, though there are tons of others).

Our society (or maybe its just me) is the opposite. I don't usually have a problem thinking trials will grow my faith. I don't have friends telling me my trials are because of various sins. My friends are quick to quote James to me. I do the same for others. My problem is the opposite. I am quick to believe that every time things get hard God is testing me. I get on my knees and ask for a peace, patience and growth. I have gone through a few difficult times where no matter how much I prayed neither peace nor patience came. I grew further from the Lord in my trial. How? Lack of faith in His plan? Not really.

Here is my error. Not everything bad that happens is because God is 'testing us'. Yes, God can use suffering to grow us. Somewhere along the line I got the idea in my head that confession of sin meant freedom from consequences of that sin. I find no support for that in His word.

Here are a few examples. The least personal right now is only understandable if you know me well. Basically, because of health issues, if I eat too much protein I tend to get depressed. Right now, I am struggling with deep mood swings...severe depression. Why? Because I ate too much protein last week. Why? Because I was enjoying myself on vacation. To claim innocence (like Job was truly able to claim) would be wrong. I have been through this many times and I know I am suffering a consequence of my sin. That has become easy for me to see. I know to confess and ask God to help me get back on track. I also know that when I turn to Him he helps me get through the time with minimal drama. (Didn't really ask Him soon enough this weekend...sorry if you saw any of my crazy mood swings). He does not remove the consequence though.

Another situation was much more difficult. I want to leave out details so its not gossip, but here are the basics. I had great friends and was working with youth at my church and was so blessed. Suddenly, things all started to go wrong. Friendships started to grow apart and my ministry at church disappeared slowly, then one day was taken away completely. Why? I assumed Satan must be 'attacking' me because of my faithfulness. Maybe, but after YEARS of a downward spiral, I finally realized something. I was so prideful. I had come to rely on friends, not God. I thought I was God's gift to youth ministry. The more I struggled, the more people told me I was innocent. When I was convicted of any sin, instead of accepting the consequences, I decided that I had already confessed the sin and so the current suffering must be unrelated, perhaps the sin of others. I grew further away from God. I was completely unable to form friendships. Now 4 years after college I look back and realize that though more mature, I am not nearly as intimate with God as I used to be. I grew apart from God because I would not realize my sin in the situation. Every time God started to convict me, I would listen to a friend’s wrong advice or cling to scripture like Job without realizing how different our situations were. Friends were just trying to comfort, but I have learned its dangerous to offer 'truth' and 'advice' when you haven't really prayed about what God wants you to say (Like Job's friends did, only that was the complete opposite situation). Once I finally got on my knees and realized the suffering was a result of some very specific selfish and prideful things I did and said, I was able to see things from His view. I could make a long list of things some friends and church members did very wrong as well. I am not responsible for convicting them though. It was only after I let the 'blaming' disappear and confessed my own sin that I was able to grow close to Him again. The consequences of sin 4 years ago still affect parts of my life today. I humbly continue to try to rely on Him to put things back together.

Right now, I have some friendship problems because of sin I have not dealt with. I am repeating the same silly situation that happened to me a few months ago, and a year ago. I am convicted every so often, cry some tears and get on my knees and want all to be fixed. The results of some horrible things I did and said are still there. Instead of asking God to help me work through those struggles I created, I let myself believe others words...the biggest lie being that my struggle is now because of actions of others in my life. I know EXACTLY what situation caused these struggles I am having. I know the sin. No, the sin is not still going on, but I need to face the truth...God is allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions. When I deny that, I refuse to let God humble me and therefore fall into sin again.

Where did I ever get the idea that confession of sin means no consequences for actions? I have no idea. Maybe it’s just me that struggles with it. I would love to grow so that in any suffering, I automatically ask Him to search my heart and point out any sin in me (Ps 139:23-24). When I can humble respond like that, then I can allow him to use those types of trials to also grow my faith.

You are a winner...

My school has a lovely song we sing to our students. By lovely, I mean really cheesy. The lyrics say "Winner, looking at a winner. And I like what I see...You are a winner... (point to students and repeat A LOT)." There is a lot more to the song, but you get the point. It is supposed to be sung every month at our 'pep rallies' aka Winner's Circle. The students hated singing it so much that we decided to cut it out of the monthly meetings. But tonight at graduation the students, friends and family were dancing and singing and having a blast with the song. The lyrics were still the same, but the meaning was different. For some, they celebrated the first person to ever finish high school in their family. For others it was a celebration of overcoming a drug addiction or gang involvement enough to successfully finish school. For others it was a step in the right direction to be able to support their young children.

Most graduations you have those one or two families who yell and scream and make fools of themselves. At our graduation, all the people in the room yell and scream and dance in the isles. The fools are the families who quietly clap.

I grew up in a neighborhood where teenagers were expected to finish school and go to college. It was a huge let down if someone didn't go to a 'real' college but instead a community college. Everyone was expected to go somewhere and very few people let their families down. I was expected to get a degree and get a middle class job. And I did. I lived up to my family and friends' expectations.

Most my students' families also had expectations. Many of the girls are expected to get pregnant before they're 16, and they do. Many of the boys (and some girls) are expected to get so heavily involved in drugs or gangs that they drop out of school, and they do. Some of those same students see no point to school because they expect to be killed before they reach 30. Many of my students expect no one to care if they stop coming to classes, and no one does. Sometimes their previous schools take a year to figure out they have dropped out and only then is truancy filed. Their parents (if they even have parents in their life still) could care less. My students live up to the expectations set on them.

My job is not perfect. It is so stressful. My students fail so many times. But tonight I was reminded why it is worth the dedication. A little over 60 students EXCEEDED expectations. They managed to finish school, some of them with no one encouraging them along the way. No students should be more proud then these students. Tonight I saw pride in the faces of students who never thought they could succeed. I saw their hope of a better life. Some will go on to 4-year colleges, some the community college, and some trade schools. Others will work hard at the jobs they can get to support their families.

Over 50% of my students failed English 1 or 2 this last term. It’s very discouraging. In a year, over half those failed students will have completely dropped out of school. But the others will rise to the expectations I placed on them in my class. I can't wait to see those students walk across that stage. Most will probably not remember me in a few years, but I am so blessed to be a small part of their success. They have overcome obstacles I could not even imagine facing. And that is why I can sing the cheesy song with tears in my eyes...they truly are winners.

Diligence

Today I received a call from a strange number. Because I was in the middle of training for work, I did not answer. Instead, I waited for the first break and anxiously dialed my voicemail. Who could it be? I always get so excited about strange numbers. Very odd of me because I am not sure who I would be expecting that could possibly be worthy of my excitement. This call was definitely not worthy. "Hi this is Kendall your trainer from the YMCA. I noticed you canceled our appointment last month and I have not seen you since. I was wondering if you want to reschedule". Yikes. Excuses went running through my head. I canceled the appointment in April because I had a DNOW that came up last minute. Very worthy cause. Then because I was at DNOW all weekend, I had to catch up on sleep that week, so I didn't work out. Finally I was caught up on sleep but behind on work; I had to stay late to grade papers. Besides, I was out of town during the weekend. Then I had to spend that week unpacking and doing laundry. The next weekend I got to sleep in because I earned it (How did I earn it? I woke up early on the Saturday I was out of town. Everyone knows if you wake up early one weekend you automatically earn the right to sleep in ridiculously late the next weekend.) And then I was sick for an entire week. So there you go Kendall. That is why you have not seen me.

Isn't it amazing how easy it is to fall out of a habit? I was doing so great with working out - every Tues, Thur and Sat. for two months. There was never any problem. I was just as busy as I am now. I had a legitimate reason for not going that first Saturday (It would have been odd to wake up at a DNOW and drive 45 minutes to my gym and back again before beginning the days lessons, am I right?) However, the excuses just came pouring in after that. All of them are valid concerns and struggles. It took so long to build the habit, and now it’s not even a thought in the back of my head.

Working out is healthy, but not essential for me right now. Unfortunately, this problem is not limited to the YMCA. It’s amazing how just one mistake can send me in a downward spiral. I was sick the last two weeks, unable-to-function sick. I could not hold my pen to journal. I remember crying out many prayers for healing, but not prayers for others. I am sure God will understand. Then I start to feel a little better, but I still feel a little ill, so perhaps no Bible reading tonight. Then I start to feel completely better, but its May and I haven't picked out what I want to read for this month yet. I will pick it out tomorrow, or the next night, or...oh my goodness its already May 10!

My youth Bible study Wed. night, my peer Bible study Wed. night, and the singles Bible study tonight ALL were about 2 Peter 1. After careful consideration, I decided perhaps God was trying to teach me something :) As I am working on memorizing verses 5-9, I am stuck on the word diligence. I wish I had the Greek, but I don't so for now dictinary.com will have to do. (If you know the Greek, please share). Diligence means a constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind. His grace is so amazing, and because of His grace, I should be seeking moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love. I am not even sure I grasp the meaning of all those characteristics, but I do know I am not diligently seeking anything. Peter goes on to say that he who lacks these qualities has forgotten his purification from sin. I would never want to admit that, but when I fail to seek Him, I am doing that very thing.

Excuses may work for the YMCA (though Kendall might disagree). They obviously won't cut it for God. I am either diligently seeking Him or I am forgetting His grace.

Disappointment

My latest major disappointment? Spider-Man 3. No, this is not a movie review. Keep reading.
The Spider-Man movies have been some of my favorites. I grew up watching the cartoon with my brother Saturday mornings.
The first two movies lived up to my expectations. This last one had a bit too much. Too many villains too little time to develop their characters. I knew in my head how the story was supposed to go. I left the theater entertained, but a bit disappointed. What I had conjured up in my head was so much more amazing. (What's that? This is sounding like a movie review? I told you its not. No, it’s actually about God. Confused yet?)

I was lying in bed last night thinking. If I had not spent so much time thinking about the movie, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Now I am not a nerd; I did not spend hours on end thinking about Peter Parker, but I wasted time anticipating the movie. Everything I imagined it being in my head set the movie up to disappoint me.

As I was pondering this thought in those moments in between asleep and awake, God twisted my thoughts to Him.* How often do I sit and imagine my future? Sometimes its worry. Sometimes its just daydreaming: My future job; My future spouse; My future home. I even spend time imagining my next days, hours, and even the future that is only a few minutes ahead. What a waste of time! I have all these expectations in my mind. When I get a specific idea in my head of what I want tomorrow to look like, I theoretically set God up to disappoint me.

But He never has! Not once. I remember when my whole world was high school. I tried to picture what college would be like. College was so much more fun than I would have ever thought. I know have imagined up some pretty amazing jobs for my future. My favorite was working with youth in New York City. I told anyone and everyone I was going there. (Hmm, James 4:13-15 maybe would have helped there!) I work at a school for at-risk teenagers in River Oaks, TX. Have you even heard of River Oaks? Let's just say its no NYC. And I teach English. I distinctly remember telling my journalism advisors on more than one occasion that I would not make my second teaching field English. I refused. I NEVER wanted to teach English. Yep, God, You're funny sometimes. :)

I can spend hours daydreaming about my ideal job, man, house, or family. God is more amazing then my feeble mind. I would have never thought up my current job, but its perfect for right now. And the ideal man...ok still waiting for that one...but since God is better than my daydreams this one will be a good one :)

The point is this - Why even daydream? What a waste of time! I started thinking about the thing I have probably spent the most time in my life daydreaming about - my future spouse. I am a normal girl, so I don't think I spend more than the average girl thinking about it. Let's say that since I was 16 or so I spend about 5 minutes a day daydreaming about a guy. (Its probably more like 3 hours a day during those times I had crushes and no time at all in those few in between crush-free phases). Ten years later that is 12 days of my life wasted. I am pretty sure whatever type of guy I was daydreaming about at 16 isn't really applicable to what I want now. I know there are countless other things I spent at least 5 minutes a day daydreaming about. I could have spent that time doing something much more eternally significant. Even now, whatever type of guy I am daydreaming about, after much personal growth and maturity, still probably isn't exactly what God knows I need. The same can be said about my future job, home, and children.

So what then should I do instead? While reading Romans 5, God really pointed something out to me. Verse 5 says "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I am not a take-the-scripture-out-of-context kind of girl. It would be easy to say that this means if I hope that God will send me a man, He sure will. If I hope for NYC, I will get there. Not quite. Verse 2 explains that the hope is in the Glory of God. If I hope that I will glorify God with my life, He will send me the ways to do that. Right now, He has sent me a great job. If He wants me to glorify Him through a family, He will not disappoint me - He will send the man and later the children.

My response instead of daydreaming? Praise for what He has done, and prayer for what He will do. What if instead of daydreaming, I had spent 12 days in prayer over the last 10 years? Regret, ironically, would be a waste of time. Change is the only option.

*and yes I really did have ALL these thoughts when I was only partially awake :)