From the pages of my journal...

Tonight I spent an evening in, to work on some cleaning and organize some stuff for Romania. In my search for my power adapter, I came across my journals, my 16 journals, a record of my life from 2000 until now. Curiosity drew me in and I began to flip through the pages of each one.
I remember many times in my life where I felt like I hit rock bottom and wondered how I ever got to that point. I came across a few of those entries which were interesting, however I found that if flipped back a few months, there was the answer. I always knew I was headed the wrong direction.
My most recent struggle seemed to come out of nowhere. I flipped back to a journal from years ago, the month that I began this situation that I currently struggle with. These are real words day by day for about a month and half when my problems started. It keeps going for a year of journaling. I am amazed at my lack of wisdom and how I let myself just walk into a problem. I realized tonight that I should probably pay attention to what I have been journaling... These are my words from the beginning of a serious time of spiritual struggle:
"What fun tonight. But what danger...."
"I am making poor social decisions..."
"This needs to end. 5 nights of no journaling..."
"This lifestyle is pointless...I am in no way growing spiritually..."
"My quiet times are slowly disappearing..."
"Friendship should be so much deeper than socializing..."
"What is the point of all this? None of this will last..."
"Responsible decision making would be nice, but..."
"My mind knows nothing about what it wants..."
"This isn't working. What is the point...this is NOT drawing me closer to You..."
"I scarcely remember who I was..."
"I am scared about who I am capable of becoming..."
"This confuses me...I feel like I am becoming someone I'm not..."
"I am setting myself up for extreme disappointment..."
"What am I becoming?..."
"Who am I and what am I doing?...."
"What is this drama?..."
"Obviously, I am straying from You, but..."
"Fix me...I don't know what I think of feel anymore..."
"I don't want this life..."
"I need to be changed..."
"More church. No growth. An endless pattern..."
"I don't want to be a part of this..."
"A wasted day..."
"I left. I don't want to go back...only back to You..."
"I barely remember who I was..."
"I cannot do this anymore..."
As I began to struggle, and the same struggle filled my journal for over a year. My first reaction seeing this was that I am an idiot. How sad that I clearly knew God's direction but followed after my own desires? I know I did not guard my heart from these problems. I know I made selfish decisions that obviously affected my journaling and relationship with God. I am back on track now, still needing to grow and heal, but hopefully I will not allow myself to be so blinded again.