Peace

I've never wrote a blog without first knowing where I am going with my thoughts...but here goes...
Romania was a big wake up call for me. Being away from my "reality" for two months taught me a lot, but perhaps the biggest thing was how much my character had truly changed in the years after college leading up to the trip. And not changed in the good way. Changed in the snobby "I belong in the movie Mean Girls" way. Post college bitterness turned into "I deserve better". Add some people in my life who felt the same, and I had my own group to call or text me whenever I want to tell me anything I wanted to hear. I seemed to always be disappointed and worried about the future. I decided in Jan I needed to "fix" things. Over the last year, I have withdrawn from many people in my life (some good influences, some not so good). Before this summer, I found myself struggling with how I could ever stay in Texas and actually be used by Him with the mess I had here.
Then came Romania. I went from nights alone just me and God to living in a house constantly surrounded by people. I'd like to say the biggest thing I learned in Romania was something sweet about the orphans. They were amazing. But the thing I learned best was that I truly had a long way to go to get back to a character reflecting Christ. It's amazing how sharing close quarters with others allows your true character to spill out. I'm not proud of how shallow some relationships were. I am not proud of how little I did to encourage others. But I know God used it to remind me of who I was in Him in college and to teach me how to ignite that desire again.
Since I've been back, I haven't followed a different "formula" or "plan". Quiet times are about the same. My job is still demanding and really difficult. But somehow, now I have peace. The past few days, I was sick and had trouble sleeping. I began to feel a little stress. I realized that it was the first time I felt stress since before Romania. Instead of freaking out about the stress, I began to wonder, "Why no stress until now? " A lot has been going "wrong" by any one's measure. Although circumstances have not changed since this summer, my character and perspective have been transformed. I realized I am not feeling stress because I am finally learning to truly turn things over to God. In Romania,I lived without a phone and TV for two months. And when I came back from Romania, I had no computer for a month! It became normal. Now when problems arise, I don't call a friend; I pray first. The best part is that without distractions, I am able to hear God's voice again...
Work seems routine and hard. I pray. God says start a yearbook. Suddenly, I have something to love about work.
Youth stuff is confusing because I have no actual role in the youth group. I pray. Pour more into discipleship and spend time praying for students. Discipleship is going great and my students now talk to me about God in the middle of classes.
Relationships seem confusing. I pray. Friends and family bring up any topic I struggled with, within a day of praying.
My friend reminded me of some lyrics the other day..."Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer". I prayed before Romania, but not like this. I prayed in Romania and found guidance about "camp" stuff. But now I'm back in my "reality". Its amazing how prayer without TV, cell phones, or even others to distract has truly changed my character as only God can. If only I could get back those years of needless worry and pain! Obviously that's not an option, but its amazing how God is fixing my past "messes" as I take the present trials to Him in prayer.