**warning...this is the longest blog every. sorry. i wrote this for me, not really anyone else. feel free to read it, but no hard feelings if you can't make it through all my thoughts**
Trials and tribulations. I love turning to the book of James during hard times. I cling to the hope that trials will grow my faith. What I am about to write is something that God has been teaching me and I have been sorting out in my head. Since this is a blog and the world can see, the details will be spared so as not to gossip, but here is what I am sorting out in my head. If I have points that don't fit scripture, please call me out on it. I am still learning so much about this.
A few years back, I went through some really hard times. I even decided to write a paper for class about sin and suffering because of it, partly because I wanted to see what God's word said on the topic and partly because I had never previously studied the book of Job. Every time I read the book, I find myself so annoyed by his friends. I am tempted to skip over those chapters and get to Chapter 38 where God starts to talk. I think what annoys me the most is that his friends say that his trials were because of sin. The book of Job opens with a rather unusual conversation between Satan and God. It is revealed that Job is in a trial. Job continued to praise God and even asks, "Have I sinned?"(Ch 7). I have no idea what his tone is like during all of this but scripture is clear that Job did not sin in this and is not suffering a consequence of his sin but a trial, which ultimately grows his faith. In a society where suffering was viewed as a direct result of sin, I could see why this would be a hard concept to grasp. (See John 9:2 for a direct example, though there are tons of others).
Our society (or maybe its just me) is the opposite. I don't usually have a problem thinking trials will grow my faith. I don't have friends telling me my trials are because of various sins. My friends are quick to quote James to me. I do the same for others. My problem is the opposite. I am quick to believe that every time things get hard God is testing me. I get on my knees and ask for a peace, patience and growth. I have gone through a few difficult times where no matter how much I prayed neither peace nor patience came. I grew further from the Lord in my trial. How? Lack of faith in His plan? Not really.
Here is my error. Not everything bad that happens is because God is 'testing us'. Yes, God can use suffering to grow us. Somewhere along the line I got the idea in my head that confession of sin meant freedom from consequences of that sin. I find no support for that in His word.
Here are a few examples. The least personal right now is only understandable if you know me well. Basically, because of health issues, if I eat too much protein I tend to get depressed. Right now, I am struggling with deep mood swings...severe depression. Why? Because I ate too much protein last week. Why? Because I was enjoying myself on vacation. To claim innocence (like Job was truly able to claim) would be wrong. I have been through this many times and I know I am suffering a consequence of my sin. That has become easy for me to see. I know to confess and ask God to help me get back on track. I also know that when I turn to Him he helps me get through the time with minimal drama. (Didn't really ask Him soon enough this weekend...sorry if you saw any of my crazy mood swings). He does not remove the consequence though.
Another situation was much more difficult. I want to leave out details so its not gossip, but here are the basics. I had great friends and was working with youth at my church and was so blessed. Suddenly, things all started to go wrong. Friendships started to grow apart and my ministry at church disappeared slowly, then one day was taken away completely. Why? I assumed Satan must be 'attacking' me because of my faithfulness. Maybe, but after YEARS of a downward spiral, I finally realized something. I was so prideful. I had come to rely on friends, not God. I thought I was God's gift to youth ministry. The more I struggled, the more people told me I was innocent. When I was convicted of any sin, instead of accepting the consequences, I decided that I had already confessed the sin and so the current suffering must be unrelated, perhaps the sin of others. I grew further away from God. I was completely unable to form friendships. Now 4 years after college I look back and realize that though more mature, I am not nearly as intimate with God as I used to be. I grew apart from God because I would not realize my sin in the situation. Every time God started to convict me, I would listen to a friend’s wrong advice or cling to scripture like Job without realizing how different our situations were. Friends were just trying to comfort, but I have learned its dangerous to offer 'truth' and 'advice' when you haven't really prayed about what God wants you to say (Like Job's friends did, only that was the complete opposite situation). Once I finally got on my knees and realized the suffering was a result of some very specific selfish and prideful things I did and said, I was able to see things from His view. I could make a long list of things some friends and church members did very wrong as well. I am not responsible for convicting them though. It was only after I let the 'blaming' disappear and confessed my own sin that I was able to grow close to Him again. The consequences of sin 4 years ago still affect parts of my life today. I humbly continue to try to rely on Him to put things back together.
Right now, I have some friendship problems because of sin I have not dealt with. I am repeating the same silly situation that happened to me a few months ago, and a year ago. I am convicted every so often, cry some tears and get on my knees and want all to be fixed. The results of some horrible things I did and said are still there. Instead of asking God to help me work through those struggles I created, I let myself believe others words...the biggest lie being that my struggle is now because of actions of others in my life. I know EXACTLY what situation caused these struggles I am having. I know the sin. No, the sin is not still going on, but I need to face the truth...God is allowing me to experience the consequences of my actions. When I deny that, I refuse to let God humble me and therefore fall into sin again.
Where did I ever get the idea that confession of sin means no consequences for actions? I have no idea. Maybe it’s just me that struggles with it. I would love to grow so that in any suffering, I automatically ask Him to search my heart and point out any sin in me (Ps 139:23-24). When I can humble respond like that, then I can allow him to use those types of trials to also grow my faith.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
You are a winner...
My school has a lovely song we sing to our students. By lovely, I mean really cheesy. The lyrics say "Winner, looking at a winner. And I like what I see...You are a winner... (point to students and repeat A LOT)." There is a lot more to the song, but you get the point. It is supposed to be sung every month at our 'pep rallies' aka Winner's Circle. The students hated singing it so much that we decided to cut it out of the monthly meetings. But tonight at graduation the students, friends and family were dancing and singing and having a blast with the song. The lyrics were still the same, but the meaning was different. For some, they celebrated the first person to ever finish high school in their family. For others it was a celebration of overcoming a drug addiction or gang involvement enough to successfully finish school. For others it was a step in the right direction to be able to support their young children.
Most graduations you have those one or two families who yell and scream and make fools of themselves. At our graduation, all the people in the room yell and scream and dance in the isles. The fools are the families who quietly clap.
I grew up in a neighborhood where teenagers were expected to finish school and go to college. It was a huge let down if someone didn't go to a 'real' college but instead a community college. Everyone was expected to go somewhere and very few people let their families down. I was expected to get a degree and get a middle class job. And I did. I lived up to my family and friends' expectations.
Most my students' families also had expectations. Many of the girls are expected to get pregnant before they're 16, and they do. Many of the boys (and some girls) are expected to get so heavily involved in drugs or gangs that they drop out of school, and they do. Some of those same students see no point to school because they expect to be killed before they reach 30. Many of my students expect no one to care if they stop coming to classes, and no one does. Sometimes their previous schools take a year to figure out they have dropped out and only then is truancy filed. Their parents (if they even have parents in their life still) could care less. My students live up to the expectations set on them.
My job is not perfect. It is so stressful. My students fail so many times. But tonight I was reminded why it is worth the dedication. A little over 60 students EXCEEDED expectations. They managed to finish school, some of them with no one encouraging them along the way. No students should be more proud then these students. Tonight I saw pride in the faces of students who never thought they could succeed. I saw their hope of a better life. Some will go on to 4-year colleges, some the community college, and some trade schools. Others will work hard at the jobs they can get to support their families.
Over 50% of my students failed English 1 or 2 this last term. It’s very discouraging. In a year, over half those failed students will have completely dropped out of school. But the others will rise to the expectations I placed on them in my class. I can't wait to see those students walk across that stage. Most will probably not remember me in a few years, but I am so blessed to be a small part of their success. They have overcome obstacles I could not even imagine facing. And that is why I can sing the cheesy song with tears in my eyes...they truly are winners.
Most graduations you have those one or two families who yell and scream and make fools of themselves. At our graduation, all the people in the room yell and scream and dance in the isles. The fools are the families who quietly clap.
I grew up in a neighborhood where teenagers were expected to finish school and go to college. It was a huge let down if someone didn't go to a 'real' college but instead a community college. Everyone was expected to go somewhere and very few people let their families down. I was expected to get a degree and get a middle class job. And I did. I lived up to my family and friends' expectations.
Most my students' families also had expectations. Many of the girls are expected to get pregnant before they're 16, and they do. Many of the boys (and some girls) are expected to get so heavily involved in drugs or gangs that they drop out of school, and they do. Some of those same students see no point to school because they expect to be killed before they reach 30. Many of my students expect no one to care if they stop coming to classes, and no one does. Sometimes their previous schools take a year to figure out they have dropped out and only then is truancy filed. Their parents (if they even have parents in their life still) could care less. My students live up to the expectations set on them.
My job is not perfect. It is so stressful. My students fail so many times. But tonight I was reminded why it is worth the dedication. A little over 60 students EXCEEDED expectations. They managed to finish school, some of them with no one encouraging them along the way. No students should be more proud then these students. Tonight I saw pride in the faces of students who never thought they could succeed. I saw their hope of a better life. Some will go on to 4-year colleges, some the community college, and some trade schools. Others will work hard at the jobs they can get to support their families.
Over 50% of my students failed English 1 or 2 this last term. It’s very discouraging. In a year, over half those failed students will have completely dropped out of school. But the others will rise to the expectations I placed on them in my class. I can't wait to see those students walk across that stage. Most will probably not remember me in a few years, but I am so blessed to be a small part of their success. They have overcome obstacles I could not even imagine facing. And that is why I can sing the cheesy song with tears in my eyes...they truly are winners.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Diligence
Today I received a call from a strange number. Because I was in the middle of training for work, I did not answer. Instead, I waited for the first break and anxiously dialed my voicemail. Who could it be? I always get so excited about strange numbers. Very odd of me because I am not sure who I would be expecting that could possibly be worthy of my excitement. This call was definitely not worthy. "Hi this is Kendall your trainer from the YMCA. I noticed you canceled our appointment last month and I have not seen you since. I was wondering if you want to reschedule". Yikes. Excuses went running through my head. I canceled the appointment in April because I had a DNOW that came up last minute. Very worthy cause. Then because I was at DNOW all weekend, I had to catch up on sleep that week, so I didn't work out. Finally I was caught up on sleep but behind on work; I had to stay late to grade papers. Besides, I was out of town during the weekend. Then I had to spend that week unpacking and doing laundry. The next weekend I got to sleep in because I earned it (How did I earn it? I woke up early on the Saturday I was out of town. Everyone knows if you wake up early one weekend you automatically earn the right to sleep in ridiculously late the next weekend.) And then I was sick for an entire week. So there you go Kendall. That is why you have not seen me.
Isn't it amazing how easy it is to fall out of a habit? I was doing so great with working out - every Tues, Thur and Sat. for two months. There was never any problem. I was just as busy as I am now. I had a legitimate reason for not going that first Saturday (It would have been odd to wake up at a DNOW and drive 45 minutes to my gym and back again before beginning the days lessons, am I right?) However, the excuses just came pouring in after that. All of them are valid concerns and struggles. It took so long to build the habit, and now it’s not even a thought in the back of my head.
Working out is healthy, but not essential for me right now. Unfortunately, this problem is not limited to the YMCA. It’s amazing how just one mistake can send me in a downward spiral. I was sick the last two weeks, unable-to-function sick. I could not hold my pen to journal. I remember crying out many prayers for healing, but not prayers for others. I am sure God will understand. Then I start to feel a little better, but I still feel a little ill, so perhaps no Bible reading tonight. Then I start to feel completely better, but its May and I haven't picked out what I want to read for this month yet. I will pick it out tomorrow, or the next night, or...oh my goodness its already May 10!
My youth Bible study Wed. night, my peer Bible study Wed. night, and the singles Bible study tonight ALL were about 2 Peter 1. After careful consideration, I decided perhaps God was trying to teach me something :) As I am working on memorizing verses 5-9, I am stuck on the word diligence. I wish I had the Greek, but I don't so for now dictinary.com will have to do. (If you know the Greek, please share). Diligence means a constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind. His grace is so amazing, and because of His grace, I should be seeking moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love. I am not even sure I grasp the meaning of all those characteristics, but I do know I am not diligently seeking anything. Peter goes on to say that he who lacks these qualities has forgotten his purification from sin. I would never want to admit that, but when I fail to seek Him, I am doing that very thing.
Excuses may work for the YMCA (though Kendall might disagree). They obviously won't cut it for God. I am either diligently seeking Him or I am forgetting His grace.
Isn't it amazing how easy it is to fall out of a habit? I was doing so great with working out - every Tues, Thur and Sat. for two months. There was never any problem. I was just as busy as I am now. I had a legitimate reason for not going that first Saturday (It would have been odd to wake up at a DNOW and drive 45 minutes to my gym and back again before beginning the days lessons, am I right?) However, the excuses just came pouring in after that. All of them are valid concerns and struggles. It took so long to build the habit, and now it’s not even a thought in the back of my head.
Working out is healthy, but not essential for me right now. Unfortunately, this problem is not limited to the YMCA. It’s amazing how just one mistake can send me in a downward spiral. I was sick the last two weeks, unable-to-function sick. I could not hold my pen to journal. I remember crying out many prayers for healing, but not prayers for others. I am sure God will understand. Then I start to feel a little better, but I still feel a little ill, so perhaps no Bible reading tonight. Then I start to feel completely better, but its May and I haven't picked out what I want to read for this month yet. I will pick it out tomorrow, or the next night, or...oh my goodness its already May 10!
My youth Bible study Wed. night, my peer Bible study Wed. night, and the singles Bible study tonight ALL were about 2 Peter 1. After careful consideration, I decided perhaps God was trying to teach me something :) As I am working on memorizing verses 5-9, I am stuck on the word diligence. I wish I had the Greek, but I don't so for now dictinary.com will have to do. (If you know the Greek, please share). Diligence means a constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind. His grace is so amazing, and because of His grace, I should be seeking moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love. I am not even sure I grasp the meaning of all those characteristics, but I do know I am not diligently seeking anything. Peter goes on to say that he who lacks these qualities has forgotten his purification from sin. I would never want to admit that, but when I fail to seek Him, I am doing that very thing.
Excuses may work for the YMCA (though Kendall might disagree). They obviously won't cut it for God. I am either diligently seeking Him or I am forgetting His grace.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Disappointment
My latest major disappointment? Spider-Man 3. No, this is not a movie review. Keep reading.
The Spider-Man movies have been some of my favorites. I grew up watching the cartoon with my brother Saturday mornings.
The first two movies lived up to my expectations. This last one had a bit too much. Too many villains too little time to develop their characters. I knew in my head how the story was supposed to go. I left the theater entertained, but a bit disappointed. What I had conjured up in my head was so much more amazing. (What's that? This is sounding like a movie review? I told you its not. No, it’s actually about God. Confused yet?)
I was lying in bed last night thinking. If I had not spent so much time thinking about the movie, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Now I am not a nerd; I did not spend hours on end thinking about Peter Parker, but I wasted time anticipating the movie. Everything I imagined it being in my head set the movie up to disappoint me.
As I was pondering this thought in those moments in between asleep and awake, God twisted my thoughts to Him.* How often do I sit and imagine my future? Sometimes its worry. Sometimes its just daydreaming: My future job; My future spouse; My future home. I even spend time imagining my next days, hours, and even the future that is only a few minutes ahead. What a waste of time! I have all these expectations in my mind. When I get a specific idea in my head of what I want tomorrow to look like, I theoretically set God up to disappoint me.
But He never has! Not once. I remember when my whole world was high school. I tried to picture what college would be like. College was so much more fun than I would have ever thought. I know have imagined up some pretty amazing jobs for my future. My favorite was working with youth in New York City. I told anyone and everyone I was going there. (Hmm, James 4:13-15 maybe would have helped there!) I work at a school for at-risk teenagers in River Oaks, TX. Have you even heard of River Oaks? Let's just say its no NYC. And I teach English. I distinctly remember telling my journalism advisors on more than one occasion that I would not make my second teaching field English. I refused. I NEVER wanted to teach English. Yep, God, You're funny sometimes. :)
I can spend hours daydreaming about my ideal job, man, house, or family. God is more amazing then my feeble mind. I would have never thought up my current job, but its perfect for right now. And the ideal man...ok still waiting for that one...but since God is better than my daydreams this one will be a good one :)
The point is this - Why even daydream? What a waste of time! I started thinking about the thing I have probably spent the most time in my life daydreaming about - my future spouse. I am a normal girl, so I don't think I spend more than the average girl thinking about it. Let's say that since I was 16 or so I spend about 5 minutes a day daydreaming about a guy. (Its probably more like 3 hours a day during those times I had crushes and no time at all in those few in between crush-free phases). Ten years later that is 12 days of my life wasted. I am pretty sure whatever type of guy I was daydreaming about at 16 isn't really applicable to what I want now. I know there are countless other things I spent at least 5 minutes a day daydreaming about. I could have spent that time doing something much more eternally significant. Even now, whatever type of guy I am daydreaming about, after much personal growth and maturity, still probably isn't exactly what God knows I need. The same can be said about my future job, home, and children.
So what then should I do instead? While reading Romans 5, God really pointed something out to me. Verse 5 says "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I am not a take-the-scripture-out-of-context kind of girl. It would be easy to say that this means if I hope that God will send me a man, He sure will. If I hope for NYC, I will get there. Not quite. Verse 2 explains that the hope is in the Glory of God. If I hope that I will glorify God with my life, He will send me the ways to do that. Right now, He has sent me a great job. If He wants me to glorify Him through a family, He will not disappoint me - He will send the man and later the children.
My response instead of daydreaming? Praise for what He has done, and prayer for what He will do. What if instead of daydreaming, I had spent 12 days in prayer over the last 10 years? Regret, ironically, would be a waste of time. Change is the only option.
*and yes I really did have ALL these thoughts when I was only partially awake :)
The Spider-Man movies have been some of my favorites. I grew up watching the cartoon with my brother Saturday mornings.
The first two movies lived up to my expectations. This last one had a bit too much. Too many villains too little time to develop their characters. I knew in my head how the story was supposed to go. I left the theater entertained, but a bit disappointed. What I had conjured up in my head was so much more amazing. (What's that? This is sounding like a movie review? I told you its not. No, it’s actually about God. Confused yet?)
I was lying in bed last night thinking. If I had not spent so much time thinking about the movie, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Now I am not a nerd; I did not spend hours on end thinking about Peter Parker, but I wasted time anticipating the movie. Everything I imagined it being in my head set the movie up to disappoint me.
As I was pondering this thought in those moments in between asleep and awake, God twisted my thoughts to Him.* How often do I sit and imagine my future? Sometimes its worry. Sometimes its just daydreaming: My future job; My future spouse; My future home. I even spend time imagining my next days, hours, and even the future that is only a few minutes ahead. What a waste of time! I have all these expectations in my mind. When I get a specific idea in my head of what I want tomorrow to look like, I theoretically set God up to disappoint me.
But He never has! Not once. I remember when my whole world was high school. I tried to picture what college would be like. College was so much more fun than I would have ever thought. I know have imagined up some pretty amazing jobs for my future. My favorite was working with youth in New York City. I told anyone and everyone I was going there. (Hmm, James 4:13-15 maybe would have helped there!) I work at a school for at-risk teenagers in River Oaks, TX. Have you even heard of River Oaks? Let's just say its no NYC. And I teach English. I distinctly remember telling my journalism advisors on more than one occasion that I would not make my second teaching field English. I refused. I NEVER wanted to teach English. Yep, God, You're funny sometimes. :)
I can spend hours daydreaming about my ideal job, man, house, or family. God is more amazing then my feeble mind. I would have never thought up my current job, but its perfect for right now. And the ideal man...ok still waiting for that one...but since God is better than my daydreams this one will be a good one :)
The point is this - Why even daydream? What a waste of time! I started thinking about the thing I have probably spent the most time in my life daydreaming about - my future spouse. I am a normal girl, so I don't think I spend more than the average girl thinking about it. Let's say that since I was 16 or so I spend about 5 minutes a day daydreaming about a guy. (Its probably more like 3 hours a day during those times I had crushes and no time at all in those few in between crush-free phases). Ten years later that is 12 days of my life wasted. I am pretty sure whatever type of guy I was daydreaming about at 16 isn't really applicable to what I want now. I know there are countless other things I spent at least 5 minutes a day daydreaming about. I could have spent that time doing something much more eternally significant. Even now, whatever type of guy I am daydreaming about, after much personal growth and maturity, still probably isn't exactly what God knows I need. The same can be said about my future job, home, and children.
So what then should I do instead? While reading Romans 5, God really pointed something out to me. Verse 5 says "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I am not a take-the-scripture-out-of-context kind of girl. It would be easy to say that this means if I hope that God will send me a man, He sure will. If I hope for NYC, I will get there. Not quite. Verse 2 explains that the hope is in the Glory of God. If I hope that I will glorify God with my life, He will send me the ways to do that. Right now, He has sent me a great job. If He wants me to glorify Him through a family, He will not disappoint me - He will send the man and later the children.
My response instead of daydreaming? Praise for what He has done, and prayer for what He will do. What if instead of daydreaming, I had spent 12 days in prayer over the last 10 years? Regret, ironically, would be a waste of time. Change is the only option.
*and yes I really did have ALL these thoughts when I was only partially awake :)
Monday, April 23, 2007
The Pseudo-Boyfriend and the girls who love him
On this side of 25 I have noticed a new phenomenon sweeping across the single Christian late twenty somethings. Married friends, you will not be able to relate, but read and praise the Lord that you were saved from the pseudo-life. Let me explain.
Pseudo-Boyfriend (soo-doh-boi-frend)* -n. a man who wants to be 'just friends' first with all the benefits of a girlfriend (either physical or emotional) without commitment. (*this can go the other way as well...the pseudo-girlfriend does exist boys! be careful!)
The idea is that its better to be friends first, and then see what happens (or in the Christian lingo, see where God leads it).
Great in theory. But the reality that most my friends live in is this: all the emotional time commitment of a girlfriend only until the 'real' girlfriend comes along. God is not leading, but the lonely selfish heart takes over.
Are you mad because you think I wrote this blog about you? I wrote this blog about ME and about 15 others I know.
No one is going to assume I am writing about you.
Girls everywhere are spending hours on the phone with these pseudo-men. They cling to the hope of something more. The guys want to start off with friendship. Or maybe they want to start that way? But what does that mean? Friendship does not mean answering the phone each time he calls no matter what. Friendship does not mean baking him cookies anytime he wants. Friendship does not mean cuddling with him during movies.
Now guys, this can be reversed. I confess I have been a pseudo-girlfriend to a few guys in the past. I let guys buy me dinner and drive me places because I just did not want to drive. I have spent hours talking to guys I was not interested in just so I would have someone to talk to. I have been on both sides. But the lesson has been learned. Below are the things every single needs to know. Feel free to add your own comments.
How NOT to have a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are interested in someone, do what you do to flirt for a while but if they do not ask you out in a few weeks then BACK OFF the deep conversations. They just want someone to listen and be there for them while they are single. If you back off and they miss you, then they will catch on and make a move if they were interested. Do NOT let them use you as a counselor or sounding board. Save your cell phone minutes for those who are worthy.
2. There is no need to bake cookies, buy food, or drive someone to the airport with just you and that other person. Make cookies for a group. Bring people a long on the airport ride. And for goodness sake boys, save your dollars for those real dates you will go on later in life.
3. If you are not sure (s)he is interested, find a way to ask. Do NOT play games. We are not in middle school. DTRs are wonderful (defining the relationship talks). Once the DTR happens, you will either be dating or not dating. If you decide to date, good for you. If (s)he says (s)he is not certain what they want in a relationship, then back off. You do not want to be second choice or the back-up person. You deserve so much better.
How NOT to BE a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are not interested in someone, there is NO need to spend long hours in deep emotional conversation, EVER. You can be friends without talking every night until the sunrises. Even if you think (s)he is not interested, it is not ok. Keep conversation to normal lengths (less than 1 hour of one-on-one) and normal frequency (not every day for hours...that’s crazy).
2. Do NOT let someone you are not interested in buy or bake you anything. Do NOT make it a habit to ride in the car with them one on one.
3. If you are not sure if you are interested, then you are NOT interested. Do NOT pretend to be just to see what happens.
Pseudo-Boyfriend (soo-doh-boi-frend)* -n. a man who wants to be 'just friends' first with all the benefits of a girlfriend (either physical or emotional) without commitment. (*this can go the other way as well...the pseudo-girlfriend does exist boys! be careful!)
The idea is that its better to be friends first, and then see what happens (or in the Christian lingo, see where God leads it).
Great in theory. But the reality that most my friends live in is this: all the emotional time commitment of a girlfriend only until the 'real' girlfriend comes along. God is not leading, but the lonely selfish heart takes over.
Are you mad because you think I wrote this blog about you? I wrote this blog about ME and about 15 others I know.
No one is going to assume I am writing about you.
Girls everywhere are spending hours on the phone with these pseudo-men. They cling to the hope of something more. The guys want to start off with friendship. Or maybe they want to start that way? But what does that mean? Friendship does not mean answering the phone each time he calls no matter what. Friendship does not mean baking him cookies anytime he wants. Friendship does not mean cuddling with him during movies.
Now guys, this can be reversed. I confess I have been a pseudo-girlfriend to a few guys in the past. I let guys buy me dinner and drive me places because I just did not want to drive. I have spent hours talking to guys I was not interested in just so I would have someone to talk to. I have been on both sides. But the lesson has been learned. Below are the things every single needs to know. Feel free to add your own comments.
How NOT to have a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are interested in someone, do what you do to flirt for a while but if they do not ask you out in a few weeks then BACK OFF the deep conversations. They just want someone to listen and be there for them while they are single. If you back off and they miss you, then they will catch on and make a move if they were interested. Do NOT let them use you as a counselor or sounding board. Save your cell phone minutes for those who are worthy.
2. There is no need to bake cookies, buy food, or drive someone to the airport with just you and that other person. Make cookies for a group. Bring people a long on the airport ride. And for goodness sake boys, save your dollars for those real dates you will go on later in life.
3. If you are not sure (s)he is interested, find a way to ask. Do NOT play games. We are not in middle school. DTRs are wonderful (defining the relationship talks). Once the DTR happens, you will either be dating or not dating. If you decide to date, good for you. If (s)he says (s)he is not certain what they want in a relationship, then back off. You do not want to be second choice or the back-up person. You deserve so much better.
How NOT to BE a pseudo-boyfriend or pseudo-girlfriend
1. If you are not interested in someone, there is NO need to spend long hours in deep emotional conversation, EVER. You can be friends without talking every night until the sunrises. Even if you think (s)he is not interested, it is not ok. Keep conversation to normal lengths (less than 1 hour of one-on-one) and normal frequency (not every day for hours...that’s crazy).
2. Do NOT let someone you are not interested in buy or bake you anything. Do NOT make it a habit to ride in the car with them one on one.
3. If you are not sure if you are interested, then you are NOT interested. Do NOT pretend to be just to see what happens.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
You snooze, you lose!
I have many roles at my work. One of my least favorites is that of the cheerleader. My coworker and I are in charge of leading our apathetic homeroom in a motivating cheer..."you snooze, you lose". Talk about hypocrisy. I lose.
Every day, I am a slave to my alarm clock. I am trapped in a cycle of 'snoozes'. I have NO control over how many times I push the dreaded snooze button. What's that you say? Try setting more than one alarm? I have three alarms: the cell phone, the one the nightstand, and the one in the bathroom that requires a long walk to reach. The cell phone...I forget I have it. I turn the alarm off without even noticing. In fact, the only time I notice the alarm is the rare occasion that I am off work on a weekday; the automatic M-F alarm is unwelcome on those 3-day weekends. The one on the nightstand...it rings for 20-30 minutes before I even hear it. Sometimes I don't even push snooze, but keep sleeping while it’s ringing. It doesn't bother me at all. The one in the bathroom that requires the long walk...I manage to make the walk about 3-4 times every morning (aka 27-36 minutes in snooze time). It is an extra loud alarm I bought in college. I hate to think how mornings are for the neighbor who unfortunately shares the wall with me. The alarms begin at 5:55am and I usually wake up between 6:45 and 7:10. I leave for work at 7:10 (or at least I should)
So I should stop whining and get my sleep-deprived self to bed earlier, right? Doesn't help. If I go to bed at 1am, I snooze for about an hour. If I go to bed at 9, I snooze for about an hour. If my alarm rings at noon after a 10-hour night of sleep, I snooze for an hour. If I wake up naturally but accidentally forget to turn my alarm off, I start snoozing and fall back asleep for about an hour. In between the alarms, during that dreaded 'snooze' time, I even dream about all the things I could be doing: read my bible, read the newspaper, iron my clothes, make myself look pretty. Dream as I do, the fact remains, no matter what I do, I always snooze. Every morning, I lose.
Every day, I am a slave to my alarm clock. I am trapped in a cycle of 'snoozes'. I have NO control over how many times I push the dreaded snooze button. What's that you say? Try setting more than one alarm? I have three alarms: the cell phone, the one the nightstand, and the one in the bathroom that requires a long walk to reach. The cell phone...I forget I have it. I turn the alarm off without even noticing. In fact, the only time I notice the alarm is the rare occasion that I am off work on a weekday; the automatic M-F alarm is unwelcome on those 3-day weekends. The one on the nightstand...it rings for 20-30 minutes before I even hear it. Sometimes I don't even push snooze, but keep sleeping while it’s ringing. It doesn't bother me at all. The one in the bathroom that requires the long walk...I manage to make the walk about 3-4 times every morning (aka 27-36 minutes in snooze time). It is an extra loud alarm I bought in college. I hate to think how mornings are for the neighbor who unfortunately shares the wall with me. The alarms begin at 5:55am and I usually wake up between 6:45 and 7:10. I leave for work at 7:10 (or at least I should)
So I should stop whining and get my sleep-deprived self to bed earlier, right? Doesn't help. If I go to bed at 1am, I snooze for about an hour. If I go to bed at 9, I snooze for about an hour. If my alarm rings at noon after a 10-hour night of sleep, I snooze for an hour. If I wake up naturally but accidentally forget to turn my alarm off, I start snoozing and fall back asleep for about an hour. In between the alarms, during that dreaded 'snooze' time, I even dream about all the things I could be doing: read my bible, read the newspaper, iron my clothes, make myself look pretty. Dream as I do, the fact remains, no matter what I do, I always snooze. Every morning, I lose.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Halloween
Happy Halloween...
I guess I should actually write on this thing. So far I have had a few 'views' but they really might just be the same person checking over and over again to see if I ever update. How disappointing for them.
Have you ever sat back and reflected on how different life was a few weeks ago? Months? A year?
As I apartment hunt, that is all I can think about.
Last year I had completely different friends, different church, different home. I was stressing over final exams and graduation. Now I am creating final exams. And next year? I will have a different home (I have to move out by Dec. 11) and who knows about the job. I don't want to get rid of any friends but I am sure I will have more by next year and probably focus time on different friends than I do now. The only constant is that I plan on staying at the same church.
I have become a completely different person through the trials and through the joys of the past year. I hardly recognize myself. Who knows what next year will hold. How exciting!
Ok so this sounds much more like a "New Year's" reflection than a "Halloween" one but oh well... to bring it back to Halloween, below is a picture from the party I went to. I was a white trash/redneck baby's mama, but everyone just called me Brittany all night. I am really digging the Nascar hat...it fits so well. Maybe I will dress like a redneck more often :)
I guess I should actually write on this thing. So far I have had a few 'views' but they really might just be the same person checking over and over again to see if I ever update. How disappointing for them.
Have you ever sat back and reflected on how different life was a few weeks ago? Months? A year?
As I apartment hunt, that is all I can think about.
Last year I had completely different friends, different church, different home. I was stressing over final exams and graduation. Now I am creating final exams. And next year? I will have a different home (I have to move out by Dec. 11) and who knows about the job. I don't want to get rid of any friends but I am sure I will have more by next year and probably focus time on different friends than I do now. The only constant is that I plan on staying at the same church.
I have become a completely different person through the trials and through the joys of the past year. I hardly recognize myself. Who knows what next year will hold. How exciting!
Ok so this sounds much more like a "New Year's" reflection than a "Halloween" one but oh well... to bring it back to Halloween, below is a picture from the party I went to. I was a white trash/redneck baby's mama, but everyone just called me Brittany all night. I am really digging the Nascar hat...it fits so well. Maybe I will dress like a redneck more often :)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
a blog? really?
Why? Because everyone else is? No. Because I want to be able to comment on others blogs? Mostly. Will I ever update this? We will see. For now, a pause as I try to figure out what exactly this is and what on earth I am getting myself into.
~e
~e
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