something random that has been bugging me a lot...
For my mission trip this summer, I am listed as 'Erin from Fort Worth, TX'. I don't know why, but it really bugs me. I am and always have been from Kansas City. Initially, I wanted to write back and insist the leader change me to 'Erin from Kansas City, KS who happens to be flying from DFW airport'. That would obviously be ridiculous. I lived in KS for the first 18 years of my life but I have lived in TX for 8 years plus now. At what point does this become home? Am I really from Texas???!!!! AHHH! Perhaps its time to move :)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Back to the Future (or Present, that is...)
For those of you who don't know, I am going to spend 2 months living in Romania this summer. I am so excited, but I must admit my brain has already arrived in Targu Mures, Transylvania. Instead of focusing on the now, I am caught daydreaming about the possibilities all the time. It's not that I am worried about the summer, I am just longing to be there.
Some of my favorite verses that God keeps teaching me about are in James 4. Verse 13 begins...Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
I struggle with this so much. I constantly want to boast in what I think the Lord's plan must be. I have made that mistake a few times before, boasting about future plans. So many plans have been God's plans, but then I tweak them and add my own details as I daydream of how I think He can use me doing this or that. Is it evil? That seems harsh, but God has been pointing out a few sins in my life that have come as a result:
1. I don't trust Him enough to plan details. I hate that this is true. I feel I trust Him, but I also seem to love my ability to create daydreams. How sad is it that I would rather rely on my limited creativity for my life plans, than to rely on the unique designer mountains, sunsets, and all things beautiful and author of stories I could not even dream of writing...the plan of salvation as seen in prophecy and allegorically in the Old Testament, carried out in the New Testament and still seen today for just one small example :) My writing talent does not compare- I have a feeling He will write in much more amazing details.
2. Daydreaming about the future means I am not content with now. I am in no way unhappy. I just find that my imagination is much more exciting than His current work in my life. What am I missing out on? Perhaps I am bored with the now because I am not being obedient to the details and callings He wants to put in my life today.
I don't know that I can stop daydreaming altogether anytime soon...I think its part of being a girl. But I do know that I no longer want to miss out on the present. It's time to move my brain back to Fort Worth, TX until June rolls around and it's truly time to arrive in Romania mentally AND physically.
Some of my favorite verses that God keeps teaching me about are in James 4. Verse 13 begins...Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
I struggle with this so much. I constantly want to boast in what I think the Lord's plan must be. I have made that mistake a few times before, boasting about future plans. So many plans have been God's plans, but then I tweak them and add my own details as I daydream of how I think He can use me doing this or that. Is it evil? That seems harsh, but God has been pointing out a few sins in my life that have come as a result:
1. I don't trust Him enough to plan details. I hate that this is true. I feel I trust Him, but I also seem to love my ability to create daydreams. How sad is it that I would rather rely on my limited creativity for my life plans, than to rely on the unique designer mountains, sunsets, and all things beautiful and author of stories I could not even dream of writing...the plan of salvation as seen in prophecy and allegorically in the Old Testament, carried out in the New Testament and still seen today for just one small example :) My writing talent does not compare- I have a feeling He will write in much more amazing details.
2. Daydreaming about the future means I am not content with now. I am in no way unhappy. I just find that my imagination is much more exciting than His current work in my life. What am I missing out on? Perhaps I am bored with the now because I am not being obedient to the details and callings He wants to put in my life today.
I don't know that I can stop daydreaming altogether anytime soon...I think its part of being a girl. But I do know that I no longer want to miss out on the present. It's time to move my brain back to Fort Worth, TX until June rolls around and it's truly time to arrive in Romania mentally AND physically.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Growing up too fast
Last night, I was finally able to see the movie Enchanted. I secretly wanted to see it in theaters, but my 20-something peers had no desire to spend their hard earned dollars on Disney flicks. That is why I love working with youth. At the girls retreat last night, we piled into the youth room and watched Amy Adams sing her heart out on the projectors. Only Adams wasn't the only one singing. The girls could not sit still. By the time the song "How does He know that You love Him" came on, the girls were actually up dancing and skipping around the room. They had blankets and pillows waving everywhere as a line of girls followed the "leader" around in circles imitating the random people following Adam's character around in the movie. It made me smile.
I had a really long week at work. I was almost in tears with stress and frustration. (See the last post for just a tiny bit of the drama). I can't tell you what a blessing it was to leave my students and spend time with youth. The difference - the youth aren't afraid to still be kids. The girls skipping around singing were the exact same age as some of most my students - yet my students conversations tend to be about clubbing, drinking and drugs or worries about pregnancy, tickets, or problems with parents. As the youth sang and danced, I tried to imagine how my little gangsters would act if they were in the room.
It's actually really sad. Sometimes I wish I could pull my students aside from their conversations and tell them its okay to be young. What happened to good old fashioned fun? I remember some birthday parties in early high school that consisted of singing songs from Grease at the top of our lungs. This week, I walked by during a conversation of a group of girls were each was defending themselves, saying of course they were not still a virgin. Just the thought was insulting to them. I also listened to a student struggling with problems with CPS, and still another who is worried she will be serving jail time starting Monday. All of these girls were between 14-15.No, my peers were not perfect in high school, but our biggest worry was getting caught by parents. I don't ever remember anything more severe than that.
Friday afternoon, as I was walking around my classroom, something caught my eye. I was suprised to see a Hannah Montana keychain on my student's purse (let's call her Maria). I pointed to it and she smiled. "I'm a big fan" she blushed with embarrassment. I just smiled at Maria and told her that I think "Hannah" was very talented and love her songs. Maria gave me hope. My students may seem wild and stubborn sometimes, but they have been through so much and were forced to grow up too fast. Deep down, Maria and the other girls really still are kids. They long for those moments. And I long to see them in those moments.
(p.s. - As I wrote this BLOG I was watching my TIVO'd TXA 21 news from last night. Just as a finished, the part I was looking for aired. Some of our students were able to take a field trip to the station Friday. They were so excited when they got back. Friday night, their picture was shown on the news as the anchor talked about how great they were. Seeing their smiles in the picture on my TV just now was the best ending for this blog...it made me smile. What a great example of my high schoolers just being high schoolers)
I had a really long week at work. I was almost in tears with stress and frustration. (See the last post for just a tiny bit of the drama). I can't tell you what a blessing it was to leave my students and spend time with youth. The difference - the youth aren't afraid to still be kids. The girls skipping around singing were the exact same age as some of most my students - yet my students conversations tend to be about clubbing, drinking and drugs or worries about pregnancy, tickets, or problems with parents. As the youth sang and danced, I tried to imagine how my little gangsters would act if they were in the room.
It's actually really sad. Sometimes I wish I could pull my students aside from their conversations and tell them its okay to be young. What happened to good old fashioned fun? I remember some birthday parties in early high school that consisted of singing songs from Grease at the top of our lungs. This week, I walked by during a conversation of a group of girls were each was defending themselves, saying of course they were not still a virgin. Just the thought was insulting to them. I also listened to a student struggling with problems with CPS, and still another who is worried she will be serving jail time starting Monday. All of these girls were between 14-15.No, my peers were not perfect in high school, but our biggest worry was getting caught by parents. I don't ever remember anything more severe than that.
Friday afternoon, as I was walking around my classroom, something caught my eye. I was suprised to see a Hannah Montana keychain on my student's purse (let's call her Maria). I pointed to it and she smiled. "I'm a big fan" she blushed with embarrassment. I just smiled at Maria and told her that I think "Hannah" was very talented and love her songs. Maria gave me hope. My students may seem wild and stubborn sometimes, but they have been through so much and were forced to grow up too fast. Deep down, Maria and the other girls really still are kids. They long for those moments. And I long to see them in those moments.
(p.s. - As I wrote this BLOG I was watching my TIVO'd TXA 21 news from last night. Just as a finished, the part I was looking for aired. Some of our students were able to take a field trip to the station Friday. They were so excited when they got back. Friday night, their picture was shown on the news as the anchor talked about how great they were. Seeing their smiles in the picture on my TV just now was the best ending for this blog...it made me smile. What a great example of my high schoolers just being high schoolers)
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